December 3, 2013
TIME MANAGEMENT - SO MANY THINGS TO DO, SO LITTLE TIME. No. So little skill of managing time's more like it.
SKANKY-ASS INTERNET CONNECTION.
* * *
I miss writing so much. The only writing I'm doing now is academic and it's pressuring me (because I don't have enough capacity for academic reading digestion). I just wanna get everything done and go back to free writing to heal the damage in my brain (caused by some sick-ass sickos). Ugh.
And I plan to go to the BBW 2013 on the 14th. Plan, OK, I plan.
I just miss shopping so much.
* * *
I've finished The Orphan Choir and The Gingerbread House - both on the same day (thankful Alhamdulillah my reading speed isn't yet fucked after all the marking I'd been doing all year). The Orphan Choir was a waste of my four hour-reading time, nothing scary - just a load of - you know what? I'm not gonna do this. It's in the past. So, stop. The Gingerbread House, however was pretty good. 3.5 stars from me to the author for keeping me in the seat until I reached the last page. I might buy more titles from her in the future.
* * *
I'm going back to my assignments. Later.
August 25, 2013
Doesn't take a freaking genius to realize that I've been rather non-existent lately. You guys can see for yourself - the dustiness of the blog and the tone that had been emitting through the posts for several months back. I don't even like how I sounded - confused and self-destructive. So I have officially returned to my true self - bookwormish and attention-seeking. Now I can hope to stay sane for a few more centuries.
Right, let's just talk about what I have been up to. In a few words - I've been enveloped in school. In more, I've been teaching, constructing exam questions, marking exam papers, grading, dealing with modern day teenagers who think they own the world just because their parents bought them smartphones, talking to modern day parents who don't really do parenting - just rearing, really, reading whatever junk reading materials I could get my hands on just to keep my sanity, re-watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy, reading my students' stories and writing comments and honest encouragements at the bottom, listening to Chrissy Costanza's covers, struggling to inspire the kids to read and write, re-discovering myself and the reasons I took up teaching, tweeting craps just to ease the cramps in my knuckles (I have been meaning to write - I just couldn't find the time to actually do it), stalking my favourite authors' timelines, obsessing over Lockwood & Co. and avidly reading the dictionaries (both Oxford and Cambridge) whenever I have time to spare.
You: Hold the entire clusterf*ck of the world's major f*ckeries up - reading the dictionary? You ran out of books that soon, Nani?
I know, right? God. It's OK if you think I'm losing it. Because I think so, too. I think I am. My vocabulary had stayed in its sad little size for years without much effort on my side to have it expanded and to actually have the realization shoved down my unwilling throat with an Oxford proficiency test was the kind of nightmare I hope nobody would ever have to endure. I wasn't even asleep when it happened - I just slipped into the ancient crack of English Vocab Mount Doom with my Smeagol of ignorance and the one Ring of self-worth. Now everything's gone.
Well, not really.
The fact that I am lacking in vocabulary skills is not new - the people closest to me know that well. Especially my mother. She knows how I often struggle with word choice and sometimes syntax, too - I have been struggling since my childhood, which is something many people find hard to believe 'judging from the way I write'. Now these people judge really, really badly and I won't apologize for saying so.
Let me shed a little light on that bizarrely common misconception - Nani Othman writes good English. I don't. And that's a fact. I do not write good English - I pen brutal honesty when it's expected of me and the rest of the time I just scrawl plain honesty. Not good English. Not yet. Just honesty - because that's one of the few good things about me that I'm actually proud to wear on my sleeve. And that's one of the few things I do well in life - being honest. So, no.
OK now that it's clarified, we can go back to my sob story of my tiny-ass word bank. My good friend suggests that I start poetry and that's a great idea. I have gotten myself a book to doodle and scribble my budding poetic thoughts in. The progress is infinitesimal, nothing significant but it's there. That's all that matters.
And I'd be ever so grateful if any of you who are still haunting my blog would offer me more suggestions - because I need all the help I can get. A language teacher with a limited vocab is unheard of and I do not plan to establish myself as one, so yeah, please.
Hit my comment box below, tweet me or just write your thoughts to me here: azhanee.othman [at] yahoo.com - I always write back, I swear. So, really, help me.
I'll stop here for now. I need to retire to my bed - tomorrow's coming in a few hours and I haven't ironed my cotton baju kurung. Will write more later, I promise.
Good night, people. Dream sweet.
August 3, 2013
Me: You stay here.
Afiq: Yes, 'cher?
Me: Are you a judgmental person?
Afiq: (smiles) Yes, I am.
Me: Are you judging me, now?
Afiq: 'cher, it's passed the judging time already. (He has been at school for half a year now.)
Me: So how did I do?
Afiq: (hesitates) You did - quite OK. (laughs nervously)
Me: What's that supposed to mean? I did quite OK? What does that mean?
Afiq: I find you interesting. No, intriguing.
Me: Intriguing. Hm.
Now really, I am just wondering, what could possibly be the words to describe the teachers who did very well? A million miles downright amazing? Drop-dead outstanding and coming back to life a thousand times? Incredible-hulkly awesome?
Ngeh, I am bored.
Going back to work.
July 29, 2013
Ada waktunya kita dilanda masalah dan sakit jiwa yang keterlaluan, kita tertanya-tanya - kenapa Tuhan buat macam ni pada kita? Kenapa Tuhan macam tak kesian pada kita - susah hati sampai tak makan, solat pun tak tenang, makan pun tak lalu (which is a good thing, though, if you are trying to lose weight), mandi pun tak berapa nak basah - kenapa?
Cuba kita fikir balik pasal dosa-dosa kita yang lepas, yang berjaya kita lakukan tanpa pengetahuan sesiapa kecuali Dia. LOL. Cuba ingat balik zaman kegemilangan kita memaki-hamun orang lain sesedap rasa tanpa mengetahui hujung pangkal cerita. Cuba ingat jugak waktu-waktu bahagia kita sengaja menyakitkan hati orang lain untuk menyenangkan hati kita. Cuba kenang masa-masa kita berasa oh hebatnya kita, tak perlu minta maaf pada sesiapa - kerana bongkaknya kita, sudah confirm ada tempat di syurga. Cuba fikir semula betapa dengan Dia kita pernah sombong, berdua-duaan dengan yang bukan hak seolah-olah Tuhan bagi kita special treatment pulak - enjoy dulu hari ini, esok taubat pun tak apa. Cuba selami apa yang orang lain rasa, bila kita pergunakan mereka untuk keseronokan kita. Cuba fahami apa orang lain rasa, bila kita berkeras dengan ego kita sampai menyusahkan semua. Cuba kita kritik diri sendiri - wahai diriku si hamba Allah, banyaknya dosa kita - takkan pernah rugi bukan?
Sebab bila kita sedar diri, tahu tempat kita di mata Dia, faham yang kita bukan sempurna - kita akan bawa diri macam yang sepatutnya. Macam yang selayaknya. Mengerti?
Aku tak perlu canang ke semua penjuru dunia tentang baik buruknya aku. Dia tahu semua. Aku juga tak perlu canang baik buruknya orang lain ke serata semesta, aku bukan Dia. Aku tak perlu judge siapa-siapa (tapi kadang-kadang kalau dah ridiculous sangat, aku buat jugak) sebab syurga neraka bukan aku punya. Dan aku jugak tidak ada minat terhadap apa-apa yang Dia decide untuk timpakan ke atas sesiapa atas dosa mereka yang mana-mana. Aku tidak ada masa.
Selama 27 tahun ini, Allah SWT jaga aku sangat-sangat. Tidak pernah Dia biar aku bersendirian even when all else fails. Sekali pun. Sebab itu aku selalu pesan pada semua, students, kawan, teman karib, saudara sedarah - if Allah SWT is everything you have, darling, you have everything. FAKTA. Kalau pendampingmu hanyalah Allah SWT, engkau sudah ada segala-galanya, sayang.
Heh, sekarang kan Ramadhan? Kalau dah teringat semua yang salah-salah dulu, kalau dah teringat pada siapa yang dosa-dosa itu semua, mintaklah maaf pada yang patut. Tak payah tunggu Syawal pun tak apa, ya abang-abang, adik-adik dan kakak-kakak. Mana tahu matahari esok pun kita tak sempat tengok, kan? Buatnya Allah suruh balik awal - hehe, kan susah? Maafkanlah semua dan mohonlah maaf daripada semua, mari kita jadi umat Muhammad SAW yang sebaik-baiknya. Mesti bahagia.
Hoho, pagi ini aku teruji, kertas exam form 4 lesap tak dapat dikesan. Paper nak mula pukul lapan, gaah!! Rupanya terselit di bawah hidung sendiri, LOL, nasib baik wira-wira Matematik cover dulu. Kalau tidak, mungkin sudah kacau-bilau segala. Lagi pertolongan on the spot dari Allah SWT - macam manalah nak tak sayang kat Dia? Tak pernah menghampakan, tak pernah akan. Dengan kudrat elves yang bekerjasama macam dalam filem, semua paper berjaya diklip dan tersusun ikut kelas. Magic? Hehe. As the seventh month dies, bukan?
Kawan-kawan, pembaca-pembaca, stalker-stalker (sama ada yang gila ataupun tidak), gembira itu milik semua yang tahu bersyukur. Dan tidak ada satu ketika pun dalam hayat kita di mana kita tidak perlu mengucapkan Alhamdulillah. Jangan berat mulut pemalas nak puji Tuhan, takut Dia malaskan terus engkau dengan stroke atau mati. Syukuri setiap apa saja - yang nikmat (kerana Dia cinta pada engkau), yang berat (juga kerana Dia cintakan engkau) - insyaAllah baik-baik semuanya.
Dan kalau engkau sudah serabut segala jiwa akal dengan masalah yang tak tahu nak putus-putus, anak isteri kelaparan, bapak mertua masuk wad gila, adik-beradik tak pass exam, bekas scandal mengandung 4 bulan, emak cari jantan lain - sampai tak ketahuan lagi apa yang perlu kau syukuri - heh, feel your pulse, dearie - dan ucapkanlah Alhamdulillah. At least, He is keeping you alive, untuk menemani engkau hadapi semuanya dengan gagah dan tabah.
All the best, everyone. Masa kita tak panjang mana. Semoga Dia peliharakan semua. Salam.
July 28, 2013
July 25, 2013
Sebenarnya kan, tak perlu nak paksa-paksa orang ikut telunjuk kita. Kadang-kadang, apa yang kita rasa baik untuk kita, tak semestinya baik pun. Dan pada banyak masa yang lain, apa yang kita rasa buruk untuk kita sebenarnya dah dicorakkan Tuhan. Mahu kita jadi hamba derhaka? Heh.
Kadang-kadang juga kan, kita rasa macam kita dah baik sangat. Pada kebanyakan masanya, kita mungkin perasan saja. Ada waktunya kita rasa kita hebat, maka semua orang mesti dengar cakap kita. Tapi bila fikir semula, tiada yang indah datang dari paksa-paksa.
Dan lebih teruk lagi, kadang-kadang kita rasa kita mampu miliki semua. Tapi kita lupa, untuk dapat segalanya, bergalang ganti nyawa pun belum senilaian. Puaka bukan?
Kau pernah rasa kau menang besar sampai nak ketawa berdekah-dekah? Macam menang trofi Festival Teater Malaysia? Jaga-jaga. Dalam hayat engkau dan aku serta semua, tiada yang everlasting.
Mungkin semasa engkau menggila sawan histeria menang pelakon pembantu lap air mata, aku juga sedang ketawa diangkat menjadi pengarah ternama. Atau mungkin juga menang engkau yang besar itu actually sebab aku main-main conteng scoresheet saja. Kau jangan lupa, aku naik pentas dulu sebelum engkau tengok dunia.
Jaga-jaga. Aku manusia yang berpegang pada janji. Kau memang belum kenal aku lagi. Dan aku pun tak berminat mahu sekolahkan engkau tentang siapa aku dengan cara yang engkau pasti tidak suka. Jadi engkau keep your distance dan aku tak perlu pecahkan muka siapa-siapa.
Fair enough aku rasa.
And for someone like you, aku dah generous sangat sebenarnya.
July 22, 2013
If a bitch steals your man, the best revenge is to let her keep him. Real men can't be stolen, Nani. Sebab Tuhan sayang engkaulah, Dia pisahkan kau berdua. Sebab Tuhan kesian kat engkaulah Dia ambil lelaki macam itu dan campak kat perempuan lain yang selayaknya. Bersyukur, Nani. Tuhan sayang engkau. -A very good friend of mine
* * *
'You wanna tell me why you did it?' I asked. It's funny how my voice wasn't at all shaky despite the madness of the situation. In front of me was this person I had been in love with my entire life. A man I have shared my deepest and darkest secrets with, whose deepest and darkest desires are known to me because of the unspoken pledge of honesty between us. It had been years. And that's centuries in a woman's life. The man I had respected for his wisdom and affection, loved for his generosity and charm, adored for his patience and strength - was now sitting in front of me - guilty, but wasn't apologetic. Not the slightest. Son of a goddamn bloody bitch.
'I think you already know why,' he began, rather gently but still, not apologetic. Clearly he didn't realize just what kind of a pig he was.
'Your version, please,' I replied. This time I had a little smile on my face, for courage. I didn't soften the tone of my voice as I normally would when we have our heart-to-heart talk. I didn't want to. I was disgusted.
He looked at me. Brave enough. Hm. I would crush that soon. Wait for it. Now, when his mouth opened, I wished I hadn't asked him to tell me anything. But I wasn't that kind of girl, who regrets taking the step forward. And I also wasn't the kind of girl who can just walk away from something she cares about so much and pretends as if it was nothing. I was somewhere in the middle. I cared. But I also wanted to stop. And he said, 'I want to be with someone normal, Hana.'
Well, I guess I really should, then.
At that moment, everything I had ever known and loved in my whole life broke into a thousand pieces, with a silence that was so destructive I thought I'd let a part of me die with everything that was broken in the exact second. If I could, I really would've. I swear.
'Everything,' I demanded, even when I knew that I wasn't going to be ready for it.
'She lets me take her out. Dates, you know movies, or just walks and talks, I mean - I get to see her often. That's something we would never do because you have all these,' he hesitated, and proceeded with the dumbest shit any guy could ever come up with, 'rules about going out with a guy.'
I blinked. Unbelievable. Had he really sunken to that lev-
'I just want a normal girlfriend,' he added, stressing on the word normal.
Ah. He had. Right.
That would have made me laugh any day if that came from some other guy and the woman he was talking to was someone else. Seriously? But the problem was that I knew I was right, he did too, and I was going to let him get away with cheating because both of them deserve each other. Well, don't they?
'They aren't my rules, Lutfi. They are God's rules,' I said - stressing on the word God. 'Don't we both pray 5 times a day?'
He looked away. That is to be expected, my friends.
'You don't want a normal girlfriend. You just want someone you don't have to pay for with nikah,' I said, finally. Well, that's what this is all about. Basically.
He didn't say anything. Ah, what could he have said, anyway?
'She let you touch her?' I poked.
'Yeah,' he answered, after a moment of hesitation.
'I see,' I replied. I mean, yeah, I really did see the whole picture now.
'It's not what you think,' he added hastily. 'We didn't have s-
I laughed. Genuine.
'It doesn't matter what I think, Lutfi. I don't own both heaven and hell,' I mused. 'Someone else does. It's Him you need to worry about.'
Yeah, call me an impossible girlfriend. Why not? I practically am, in more ways than one. I refused every time he asked me out. I had always refused to be seen with him without a friend or a family member. I do not believe in holding hands, kisses in the car, pointless walks, empty talks and wild concerts that he believes would bring two people closer - we are Muslims, yeah? Let's live like we really are. Let's love like God teaches us to. But he didn't think it would be cool.
I guess I kind of grazed his massive ego so he decided to hit me back. 'She often looks pretty. She dresses up well.' He stared at me. Plain, pastel me. As if that would hurt. I can't believe that I was ever in love with someone so dumb. This isn't high school, genius. Mature women don't get hurt just because their boyfriend cheated with a prettier girl.
'You're joking, right?' I asked. It was getting ridiculous.
'I found someone better, Hana.'
'You think you found someone better.'
He didn't say anything to that.
'I have always had the choice to be with someone so much better than you, Lutfi, but I chose to be with you. And now you're telling me, you're leaving me for someone better just because you think you have a choice? Tak sedar diri.'
He was as still as a corpse.
'Kau mana ada choice, Lutfi. Kau pilih dia sebab dia percuma. Bukan sebab dia lebih baik dari aku. Face it,' I said, kindly. 'Dan perempuan percuma saja yang kau mampu afford.'
He couldn't believe I had said that. I was always the sweet one. The kind one. The forgiving one. The one with the most carefully chosen words. Well I've chosen perfectly this time, haven't I? A round of applause, if you please.
'I'm tired, Hana,' he said, after a fake sigh. 'I don't wanna fight.'
'I'm bored, Lutfi. You're just another disappointment.'
A few seconds went by. And he decided to do the stupidest thing in the universe.
'I'm sorry for everything.'
'Don't be. I'm not.'
'You don't have to apologize for being you.'
He looked at me - wondering just what the hell was I thinking. LOL. Can you get any stupider?
'Tell her I'm sorry. A cheater is the best gift I can sincerely offer to her, for your wedding. Both of you deserve each other.'
'I need to go now. I have a new life to live. You've wasted years of my life so I really hope you'll fuck up the rest of yours really bad you'd die early. Bye.'
That was rude, I know. That was beyond anything rude I had ever said to anybody, even the people I hate.
So I walked away.
I bet you're wondering about my broken heart. Heh. It'll mend itself eventually. It always does.
I bet you're also wondering if I cried. Yeah I did. I cried because God had chosen the best for me - a life without him. Because He was so close. Because His love was so obvious. Because He saved me.
And are you wondering if it was hard? It was. It really, really was. But I pulled through because I realized something - that at least two meaningless people would never make it into my future. Because I deserve so much more. So much more.
I didn't turn to take the final look at his sorry face because I already knew what I would see - the face of the person I should have high-fived with a truck.
But hey, that would be animal cruelty.
* * *
'Lutfi, if you can cheat behind me with her, apa jaminan kau takkan buat benda yang sama pada dia? Can you guarantee that you'd be loyal to her?' I asked, already knowing the answer.
'Saya pun tak tahulah, Hana,' was his reply.
Well, looks like he's really, the BEST gift for her, then.
July 9, 2013
June 12, 2013
June 5, 2013
May 16, 2013
HAPPY TEACHER'S DAY TO ME (and the rest of the awesome teachers in the world). Nobody is born a failure. Which means everybody is born to be successful. Don't stop believing, teacher-friends. We have come this far. We will keep going. And yeah, we will always keep going.
Thanks to all the teachers who have helped make me who I am today. I am not much, but I would never be lesser. I will always be better because one day I will be the best. You guys kick ass. So God bless.
Have great days ahead then.
May 13, 2013
Man. I deleted one whole page of draft and decided to write another. The above picture however, has nothing to do with anything. I just love the cuteness of it.
Anyway, yeah. I almost hit 'Publish' and then I thought better. The draft I sent down the drain practically consist of torrents of expletives dedicated to one specific person who was supposed to stay in the past. My past. Dude, the reason I kicked you out of my life was your dishonesty. And you were using exactly that to craftily make your way back into it. You need to get your own. Seriously.
When are you gonna learn? Deception does not work on people who are smarter than you. Dishonesty only gains you something when it's forced onto people dumber than you. And just because basic bitches howled their brains out when you married the sad woman of your choice does not mean EVERY other woman would do the same. Get over it. You've been married for a year, I guess? And if I was one of the basic bitches you dated, I would have hunted you down just to slam a kick in your deserving face - but hey, surprise! I didn't, so I need you to understand that I did not care - about you, about your sad little life and your sad little wife. So, really there was no need whatsofuckingever to get extra creative in your plot to let me know how happily married you are - I am not interested. If I was, I would have enthusiastically high-fived you in the face with a truck, long ago.
'Menyamar jadi isteri sendiri? Gila.' -My sister
'Kak, that's not his wife. That's him. You have to be strong.' -Jasmine
Get this - I will always be that one person who will never fall in love with you no matter what you do, and I will remain that one person who will never be hurt with the fact that you're not a part of my life. Understand that well, and your stupidity WILL decrease. But who I am to tell you what to do, yes? We both know how grudgingly dumb you are. Don't we?
* * *
"There's a reason why some people just don't make it into your future, Nani. And you need to keep them there, where they belong - in your past."
So, yeah. I'm not stopping you from coming here. I just hope you'd keep a distance. Because you disgust me.
March 13, 2013
* * *
Now, tak berapa lama sangat yang lalu, ada burung kecil beritahu aku - eh, kalau mahu bahagia yang tak putus-putus, kecilkan mahu-mahu engkau biar sepadan dengan earning kau yang bulan-bulan. Percayalah, lapangnya banyak. Cool betul nasihatnya. Aku dah ikut selama 4 tahun - sumpah lapang senang hidup aku. Maka terima kaseh bonda.
* * *
Wei, jom semua pergi BBW di Penang masa cuti sekolah? Aku mahu return to Wonderland. Yay.
p/s: Tu kucing tuxedo kat depan Great Hall. Simple needs, simple wants, awesome personality. Kat waterfront sekali dia tibai minum petang. Heh.
February 5, 2013
I'm so sorry for my long absence. I've been rather lost. I've been heartbroken. I've been bullied. I've been forced to accept some things I don't even deserve. I've been crying. I've been in pain. I've been having sleepless nights. I've been called names I have never thought I'd ever be associated with. I've been having terrible, terrible dreams even when I'm awake. I've almost hated - but thank you Allah, for saving me from it. I don't ever want to hate anybody, not for any reason, ever. I've been plotting revenge, but thank you Allah, again - for keeping me busy with the wonderful things life could offer that I just stopped caring and I'm now free to be happy. I've been told things I didn't have to hear. I've been told that I'm now a second choice by the very person I've made my number one since ten years ago. I've been judged (not that it means anything to me). I've been carved from the inside out by a blade I couldn't see. I've been bleeding from reopened scars. I've been comparing myself to someone so incredibly nowhere in comparison to me it's disgusting. I've been wondering just what the hell did I do wrong that I'm now second to that nobody. I've been trying hard to believe that time didn't stop. I've been having trouble trusting my decisions and if you're one of those who know me, you'll know that this must be my worst mess since I have never been indecisive. I almost died trying to move on. I almost killed myself walking away from something I have so cherished for so long. I've been losing appetite (f*ck heartbreaks to hell). I hurt when I smiled. I hurt when I pushed myself too hard. I hurt for freaking days it made me angry at myself and how stupid I have become because of a person who should have been run over by a goddamn truck while I'm driving it. And I never, ever want to go through that again. Ever.
Which is why forgiveness came easy to me. Thank you, Allah, for making it so easy. Two hours spent talking to Wani, a new friend I made, enlightened me to the things I had missed when my poor brain stopped functioning because my heart thought it knew better. Two hours - when for normal people it might take ten years. I was guided. I was loved. It was then when I felt how close Allah has always been to me and how blinded I have been, to ever thought that a particular someone could mean so much. Nobody, alright, nobody should ever mean so much to you that it made you lose yourself and do stupid things and feel stupid emotions.
I realized that I was actually very, very tired of the mess I didn't even start. I'm tired of trying to understand how these crazy basic b*tches work. I'm tired of asking myself questions I don't even want answered. And I am hardcore tired of competing against someone so in nobody's league - oh my God this wasn't even my kind of game in the first place! How I had let myself gotten tangled in such a humiliating situation I don't even want to know, but I sure promised myself that I would never, ever again thought that a heart could function better than a well-trained brain in decision-making. I promised. So I will keep it.
Life has been great since I talked to Wani about it. I've been sincere in my jokes. I've been smiling with all honesty. I've been laughing with my kids and those were no longer fake moments. I've been enjoying life. I've been closer to Allah, that's one thing for sure - because I've been so at peace I could no longer remember what it felt like when I first heard my heart broke. No memories. At all. I felt saved. My sorrows, all of them, were lifted away as if they were never really there - Alhamdulillah.
I'm happier now. A lot happier. Because I chose Him and that equals to choosing happiness, so yeah, I am very, very happy.
Now this goes out to everyone reading my blog: No matter what happens, no matter how bad things get, no matter how broken you are - remember that pain only cuts in as deep as you allow it to. Choose happiness, people. You don't have to go through any mess the way I did, it's really unnecessary. Decide and make your decision right. Choose happiness, no matter how hard it seems. And you will walk the road you pave proudly without ever being tempted to look back.
And with that note, I'll retire to my life. You guys take care. I'll try to be around more often.
January 6, 2013
January 3, 2013
There are some things I really do not like in our world, but that's just downright ridiculous. None of us is born with built-in perfect grammar so really, nobody is better than anybody at languages on the day we were brought to earth. It's what we decide to become that makes the difference, that makes any of us better than whoever of us. So honestly quit it.
We are all made of better things, brother. It's time we live that fact. All of us.