September 26, 2016

Disturbance





I don't know how to go about saying this but I feel like letting it out whatever the hell it is. I've been having this irrational fear of suffering a mental illness I am not aware of - something very destructive but very quiet at it - so I've been staying up late trying to connect non-existent dots that would make up some sort of explanation, which also happens to be non-existent. Pathetic. I actually know what the trigger is, though - everyone on Twitter and Tumblr seem to be having mental and emotional issues and they talk about it at length so very seriously everyday to the point that it made me wonder if I'm actually abnormal for not having said issues. No I don't joke about being different and trying to fit in - what crap did I just write?

Is reading the chaotic things they write toxic? This fear I'm having - could I be developing my own illness because of those? And if I am, does that mean depression is a choice, like so many people have told me? So if it is, doesn't that explain some people I have decided to leave in my past for lashing out at me every single time I unintentionally made them feel unneeded? Yet if it does, shouldn't I be more compassionate towards them? Because really, they are people in the world who get angry at others for being independent. I've suffered some and I really don't wanna have anything to do with such people anymore. But shouldn't I be more compassionate because if they're mentally healthy they wouldn't be hurting people in order to feel needed? They are ill and isn't it wrong to not care? But if it is, why can't I be bothered? Why don't I even in the slightest feel like I'd give the thought about them a chance? 

And what the hell am I doing it's almost 2 in the morning? I need to get up at 6 and here I am contemplating whether I should be addressing this disturbance in my already unstable mental force or not - it's a nuisance and I hope it goes away soon, I don't have time for this. So many things to do, so little motivation, so lost in thoughts that are just everywhere and every single messed up thing. I'll stop here, God, I shouldn't have started. I need sleep. Yeah. That's it. I'll talk to you guys later - if anyone is even reading this. OK yeah OK I'm leaving. God.