February 5, 2013

I choose happiness. What about you?

I'm so sorry for my long absence. I've been rather lost. I've been heartbroken. I've been bullied. I've been forced to accept some things I don't even deserve. I've been crying. I've been in pain. I've been having sleepless nights. I've been called names I have never thought I'd ever be associated with. I've been having terrible, terrible dreams even when I'm awake. I've almost hated - but thank you Allah, for saving me from it. I don't ever want to hate anybody, not for any reason, ever. I've been plotting revenge, but thank you Allah, again - for keeping me busy with the wonderful things life could offer that I just stopped caring and I'm now free to be happy. I've been told things I didn't have to hear. I've been told that I'm now a second choice by the very person I've made my number one since ten years ago. I've been judged (not that it means anything to me). I've been carved from the inside out by a blade I couldn't see. I've been bleeding from reopened scars. I've been comparing myself to someone so incredibly nowhere in comparison to me it's disgusting. I've been wondering just what the hell did I do wrong that I'm now second to that nobody. I've been trying hard to believe that time didn't stop. I've been having trouble trusting my decisions and if you're one of those who know me, you'll know that this must be my worst mess since I have never been indecisive. I almost died trying to move on. I almost killed myself walking away from something I have so cherished for so long. I've been losing appetite (f*ck heartbreaks to hell). I hurt when I smiled. I hurt when I pushed myself too hard. I hurt for freaking days it made me angry at myself and how stupid I have become because of a person who should have been run over by a goddamn truck while I'm driving it. And I never, ever want to go through that again. Ever.

Which is why forgiveness came easy to me. Thank you, Allah, for making it so easy. Two hours spent talking to Wani, a new friend I made, enlightened me to the things I had missed when my poor brain stopped functioning because my heart thought it knew better. Two hours - when for normal people it might take ten years. I was guided. I was loved. It was then when I felt how close Allah has always been to me and how blinded I have been, to ever thought that a particular someone could mean so much. Nobody, alright, nobody should ever mean so much to you that it made you lose yourself and do stupid things and feel stupid emotions.

I realized that I was actually very, very tired of the mess I didn't even start. I'm tired of trying to understand how these crazy basic b*tches work. I'm tired of asking myself questions I don't even want answered. And I am hardcore tired of competing against someone so in nobody's league - oh my God this wasn't even my kind of game in the first place! How I had let myself gotten tangled in such a humiliating situation I don't even want to know, but I sure promised myself that I would never, ever again thought that a heart could function better than a well-trained brain in decision-making. I promised. So I will keep it.

Life has been great since I talked to Wani about it. I've been sincere in my jokes. I've been smiling with all honesty. I've been laughing with my kids and those were no longer fake moments. I've been enjoying life. I've been closer to Allah, that's one thing for sure - because I've been so at peace I could no longer remember what it felt like when I first heard my heart broke. No memories. At all. I felt saved. My sorrows, all of them, were lifted away as if they were never really there - Alhamdulillah.

I'm happier now. A lot happier. Because I chose Him and that equals to choosing happiness, so yeah, I am very, very happy.

Now this goes out to everyone reading my blog: No matter what happens, no matter how bad things get, no matter how broken you are - remember that pain only cuts in as deep as you allow it to. Choose happiness, people. You don't have to go through any mess the way I did, it's really unnecessary. Decide and make your decision right. Choose happiness, no matter how hard it seems. And you will walk the road you pave proudly without ever being tempted to look back.
And with that note, I'll retire to my life. You guys take care. I'll try to be around more often.