July 26, 2012

Long distance.

July 24, 2012

Truth. Kan?


July 23, 2012

I am not alone. I hope.

A lot of people are going to tell you that everything is going to be OK, right after something bad happens to you. I've been through that and I hate it. Which is why I never told anyone who came to me crying their eyes out that, 'It's gonna be OK.' I never will. Because nobody needs a lie when they have just been hit by a brutal truth.

So you tell them smartasses to go and have sex with themselves because nothing is going to be OK when your heart is broken and the person you are in love with is now in love with someone else. Nothing is ever OK when your nights are spent thinking about what could have gone wrong and how you could have make it right with your realizing that there's really nothing else that you could ever do anyway. Nothing could be OK when you have already believed in the happy ending and it turned out to be something that will never happen. Nothing will be OK when all the beautiful memories that make up your world just crumble to nothingness right under your feet and you start to fall, forever, never crashing and always agonizingly anticipating to. But the fall never comes, so your brain gets damaged more and more as you fall. Until nothing is left in what little you have of your insanity so you're left a rambling lunatic. And nothing, nothing is OK when you're in such a terrible pain that you can't even cry because if you do, you die. Nothing is OK if you're that hurt.

Now don't go telling people who are mentally and emotionally broken that everything is going to be OK. Because it's not true and they don't need that. What they want is just someone who would spend a little time listening to what selfish nonsense they have to say and they'll get back to their feet and move forward, no matter how broken they are. So you be that person. Just sit with them and listen. It's really not a problem if you don't understand a thing they say. Or that you don't have anything nice to respond to them with. They don't even want your comments. In that exact moment, when their world is broken beyond repair, they just want to know that they're not alone, that there are other hearts beating somewhere else. They are not asking to be a part of yours. They just need to feel a presence other than theirs, because they are so used to someone's that when that person is suddenly gone, their life comes to a halt. And that is not something everyone can understand. To suddenly lose the heart that had once upon a time beat with yours, to someone else's? No. Definitely not something just anyone can comprehend.

Someone broke my heart a few days ago. And I think time kind of stopped for me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't have anything smart to say to that person. Somehow I didn't feel like myself anymore. But as long as I am still alive, I believe I will walk out of this. Not unscathed, though. I'm all black and blue and bleeding and I just wanna walk out alive. Pray for me, if you have the time.

I will never be the same again. I will never be the person I used to like. But maybe that's for the best. Because a lot of us don't really like who we are, but we're all still happy, in one way or another so yeah, maybe it's for the best - these changes.

A friend asks if I'm angry at that person, for changing me so much and breaking me into a thousand unrecognizable pieces right after - I said no. I'm not angry. A person who angers you is given power to control you, and to inflict more damage onto you. So, no. I give nobody such power. And anger is something only uncool people feel. I don't deal with cheap emotions like that. I am cool. You know I am.

So this is me, writing just fragments of what sap I really feel because right now I am just not good at handling extreme emotions. Just pieces of here and there and what and when and how. And I know a lot of you might think you know what I'm talking about, but I can promise you this - you don't. You can guess if you like, though. We'll still be friends.

*takes a deep breath*

I'll be around more often now that the Chamber of Secrets is only half open. Hope to talk to you guys, soon.

Later, everyone.

And try not to break hearts.