September 26, 2016
I don't know how to go about saying this but I feel like letting it out whatever the hell it is. I've been having this irrational fear of suffering a mental illness I am not aware of - something very destructive but very quiet at it - so I've been staying up late trying to connect non-existent dots that would make up some sort of explanation, which also happens to be non-existent. Pathetic. I actually know what the trigger is, though - everyone on Twitter and Tumblr seem to be having mental and emotional issues and they talk about it at length so very seriously everyday to the point that it made me wonder if I'm actually abnormal for not having said issues. No I don't joke about being different and trying to fit in - what crap did I just write?
Is reading the chaotic things they write toxic? This fear I'm having - could I be developing my own illness because of those? And if I am, does that mean depression is a choice, like so many people have told me? So if it is, doesn't that explain some people I have decided to leave in my past for lashing out at me every single time I unintentionally made them feel unneeded? Yet if it does, shouldn't I be more compassionate towards them? Because really, they are people in the world who get angry at others for being independent. I've suffered some and I really don't wanna have anything to do with such people anymore. But shouldn't I be more compassionate because if they're mentally healthy they wouldn't be hurting people in order to feel needed? They are ill and isn't it wrong to not care? But if it is, why can't I be bothered? Why don't I even in the slightest feel like I'd give the thought about them a chance?
And what the hell am I doing it's almost 2 in the morning? I need to get up at 6 and here I am contemplating whether I should be addressing this disturbance in my already unstable mental force or not - it's a nuisance and I hope it goes away soon, I don't have time for this. So many things to do, so little motivation, so lost in thoughts that are just everywhere and every single messed up thing. I'll stop here, God, I shouldn't have started. I need sleep. Yeah. That's it. I'll talk to you guys later - if anyone is even reading this. OK yeah OK I'm leaving. God.
September 9, 2016
Berasa layak kepada ganjaran walaupun usaha tak sepadan atau tiada sezarah usaha pun - definisi entitlement bagi aku secara peribadi. You are free to disagree. But you'll be wrong, at least in my opinion. And it shouldn't bother you. Because it doesn't bother me.
Verbally aku tak menilai siapa-siapa dalam kalangan yang mana-mana tentang tajuk posting hari ini. Tapi mentally aku judge semua yang aku kenal dengan nama - tua dan muda. Bila ditegur kakak-kakak berhati mulia tentang jujur aku yang tak mengenal tempat - aku senyum kesian. Mereka patut bersyukur sebab tak perlu dengar aku menyihir-sumpah dalam hati. Kalau jujur aku yang berlapik budi dan consideration pun mereka sudah mengucap urut dada sambil mention persimpangan hypothetical di mana berbaris 44 orang malaikat, aku tak imaginative nak bayangkan reaksi mereka kalau terdengar benda-benda yang Tuhan belum izinkan aku sebut lagi buat masa ini.
Bila fikir semula, pada banyak masanya manusia memang dikenang for all the things they didn't have the courage to say. At least setakat aku hidup ni, itu yang aku observe kerap terjadi. Aku harap aku tak mati hipokrit macam sesetengah orang. Tapi aku jugak harap aku hidup disayangi walaupun aku malas berbudi-bahasa, terutama bila berurusan dengan manusia lain yang ada masanya celaka macam sepertalian dengan iblis terlaknat. Dunia. Kita tak boleh dapat semua benda. Mungkin sebab tu semua orang nak cari syurga. Kot.
Tentang entitlement - aku rasa mana-mana manusia pun tak seharusnya berasa entitled to rewards for things they don't even achieve. Sebab tu aku tak isi borang BISP, sebab tu jugak aku cuba jatuh sakit supaya aku tak perlu ikut orang-orang yang pergi mencari bahagia yang undeserved di pulau bebas cukai kesukaan Malaysians. That's just not how my parents raise me - menerima pemberian yang tak sepadan dengan usaha.
Belum ada impian cikgu-cikgu atau anak didik yang tercapai dalam tahun ini. Belum ada anak orang yang melangkah jauh daripada yang terjangka. Belum juga diberi recognition kerana matang meninggalkan peers jauh di belakang. Belum ada yang hidup lama dipuji dan mati tak dikeji. At least dalam tahun ini, belum lagi. Jadi mengapa begitu mudah meminta balasan kepada budi yang hasilnya masih gerhana? That's an irrational sense of entitlement you got there, peeps. Berkerut dahi aku lepas tahu ada orang-orang pelik semacam itu. Tak malu pulak kan guna reward padahal kerja untuk reward tu belum pun selesai. Disgusted tak aku? You bet.
True, semua orang tak sempurna. But that doesn't mean kita kalis nuklear kutukan dan judgement orang lain. Pada aku, it's human enough that we are not perfect, jangan dihinakan lagi keadaan kita dengan hati yang jijik dan perasaan entitled. Aku baru saja call Che'gu Usop. Barangkali jantung beliau terhenti beberapa saat bila dengar suara aku yang dah serupa orc. Demam aku masih convincing nampaknya. Justeru, dalam hati aku LOL lagi. Sebab dia sendiri yang cakap, 'Kalau macam tu, tak payah la pergi.'
September 4, 2016
‘Bring back the people who stopped writing in 2009,’ they said. Those words rang in my ears like a revelation. I did sort of stop writing in 2009, what with the migraine-triggering amount of work and kids to deal with - and teaching. But that's really no excuse because writers should write, no matter what. And there's no such thing a writer's block, too, so I'm just gonna apologize. Heh. Hello, peeps.
* * *
It's amusing how these words just fly from my fingers into the screen when I'm not even trying - but when I'm really into working, really focused, really freaking determined; nothing comes. Literally nothing. I don't know if any other writers struggle the way I do but it's been driving me crazy for quite a while now, and I really want to just complete my dissertation and go back to living like a human being. I've been a ghost for too long now, persistently haunting the academic pages I can't even comprehend, visually drinking in the strings of phrases and sentences I can't even try to imitate, drowning myself in the overwhelming walls of texts chronicled by insane amount of dedication and hardwork - I feel like I'm being stretched so thin already; by envy, exhaustion, perplexity and the temptation to give up because I need to be done with this madness. I desperately do.
One sentence into my paper takes a mental century to form and even after the agony it has to be revised and revised because you don't wanna sound cheap when replicating other people's work but at the same time you have to replicate because you simply have no talent to sound smart. It's a lot like trying to sing like Mariah Carey but ending up sounding like Ariana Grande, if you follow me. It's really pathetic from wherever you're standing so I'll forgive you for judging. I mean, even I think that's pathetic - and we're talking about me here. So yeah. I don't know how my paper will end up like but the only choice I actually have is to finish it before the 30th of November so basically, you can consider me dead now. By the time it's over (it has to be, I can't afford anything else but that) I could have aged 15 years ahead. But yeah.
* * *
I wanna return to writing. I want to write like I used to. I just need to finish this 20K-word assignment without going mad.
* * *
My kids are wondering about Kristoff - did he die? Or did Elowyn go back to find him? Will they end up together? Did he marry someone else? *sigh* Maybe I should write about him. I should write a sequel. I guess I wanna know what happened to him, too. He's one of my favourite people. He deserves a conclusion. A good one.
* * *
And I need to complete Aletheia. Nat had been hanging to his last shred of sanity long enough.
* * *
Also, feelings don't die easily, because we keep feeding them with memories.