February 5, 2013

I choose happiness. What about you?

I'm so sorry for my long absence. I've been rather lost. I've been heartbroken. I've been bullied. I've been forced to accept some things I don't even deserve. I've been crying. I've been in pain. I've been having sleepless nights. I've been called names I have never thought I'd ever be associated with. I've been having terrible, terrible dreams even when I'm awake. I've almost hated - but thank you Allah, for saving me from it. I don't ever want to hate anybody, not for any reason, ever. I've been plotting revenge, but thank you Allah, again - for keeping me busy with the wonderful things life could offer that I just stopped caring and I'm now free to be happy. I've been told things I didn't have to hear. I've been told that I'm now a second choice by the very person I've made my number one since ten years ago. I've been judged (not that it means anything to me). I've been carved from the inside out by a blade I couldn't see. I've been bleeding from reopened scars. I've been comparing myself to someone so incredibly nowhere in comparison to me it's disgusting. I've been wondering just what the hell did I do wrong that I'm now second to that nobody. I've been trying hard to believe that time didn't stop. I've been having trouble trusting my decisions and if you're one of those who know me, you'll know that this must be my worst mess since I have never been indecisive. I almost died trying to move on. I almost killed myself walking away from something I have so cherished for so long. I've been losing appetite (f*ck heartbreaks to hell). I hurt when I smiled. I hurt when I pushed myself too hard. I hurt for freaking days it made me angry at myself and how stupid I have become because of a person who should have been run over by a goddamn truck while I'm driving it. And I never, ever want to go through that again. Ever.

Which is why forgiveness came easy to me. Thank you, Allah, for making it so easy. Two hours spent talking to Wani, a new friend I made, enlightened me to the things I had missed when my poor brain stopped functioning because my heart thought it knew better. Two hours - when for normal people it might take ten years. I was guided. I was loved. It was then when I felt how close Allah has always been to me and how blinded I have been, to ever thought that a particular someone could mean so much. Nobody, alright, nobody should ever mean so much to you that it made you lose yourself and do stupid things and feel stupid emotions.

I realized that I was actually very, very tired of the mess I didn't even start. I'm tired of trying to understand how these crazy basic b*tches work. I'm tired of asking myself questions I don't even want answered. And I am hardcore tired of competing against someone so in nobody's league - oh my God this wasn't even my kind of game in the first place! How I had let myself gotten tangled in such a humiliating situation I don't even want to know, but I sure promised myself that I would never, ever again thought that a heart could function better than a well-trained brain in decision-making. I promised. So I will keep it.

Life has been great since I talked to Wani about it. I've been sincere in my jokes. I've been smiling with all honesty. I've been laughing with my kids and those were no longer fake moments. I've been enjoying life. I've been closer to Allah, that's one thing for sure - because I've been so at peace I could no longer remember what it felt like when I first heard my heart broke. No memories. At all. I felt saved. My sorrows, all of them, were lifted away as if they were never really there - Alhamdulillah.

I'm happier now. A lot happier. Because I chose Him and that equals to choosing happiness, so yeah, I am very, very happy.

Now this goes out to everyone reading my blog: No matter what happens, no matter how bad things get, no matter how broken you are - remember that pain only cuts in as deep as you allow it to. Choose happiness, people. You don't have to go through any mess the way I did, it's really unnecessary. Decide and make your decision right. Choose happiness, no matter how hard it seems. And you will walk the road you pave proudly without ever being tempted to look back.
And with that note, I'll retire to my life. You guys take care. I'll try to be around more often.


18 scribbleback (s):

teah said...

I didn't know you in person but i've been a frequent visitor. I wish you all the happiness in the world and may all the best things happen to you, okay :)

♛ LORD ZARA 札拉 ♛ said...

Salam Kak Nani.

No matter what, be strong kak. I know u are a strong lady.

InsyaALLAH, may everything will be easy for u. May Allah bless u forever and always.



Milin_ said...

this is very uplifting :)

Nani Othman said...

that's very heartwarming - you being a frequent visitor. =) thanks a lot. and thanks so much for the prayer. makes me happy. amiin. come again, sister.

salam. yeah i am strong. i just forgot that i was. haha. even i have my stupid days now it seems. =) and amiin to your prayers. *hugs*

thanks. hope to see you around often. =)

Qiez Medusa AR said...

I was like...
" yeah,tell me about it "

and then came the second paragraph ;

I cried.

Nani Othman said...

Aw, im so sorry! I sure hope you are ok now. =(

.dida mumin♥ said...

you always amazed me with your words & writings now i am more amaze for the inner strength your do have...be the strongest, live life to the fullest!!!

ummu kulthum said...

kak nani!!

phoenix rise from the ashes (i hope u know what i mean)

please take care

Nani Othman said...

Omg thanks so much. I will remember that often. Thanks.

I know. I am after all a gryffindor. =) thanks, sister.

inna hayati said...

hi Nani,
u choose the right path.
May all the happiness comes to you with Allah's blessing.
Aja-aja fighting!! :)

Nani Othman said...

Thanks kak inna, i will keep fighting! XD

Anonymous said...


I am here a lot lately. But you are not.
I was wondering if there will be another chapter of Will You Say Yes because i'm dying to know the ending.

Btw, gujil, in fact, does have a meaning. It means 90 years old. I saw your tweet about it while checking your twitter.

Thank you and have a nice day

Nani Othman said...

omg your comment shames me. DX i'm so sorry for taking so long to update. aishh. i'm dying to know the ending too. right. i am working on the coming chapter, just very very slowly because i'm all caught up with work. but it will be up. it really will.

and thanks for the wish, too. =) and gujil gujil means annoying or messy, in korean (according to the fansub).

Anonymous said...

Um yeah, i mean in korean gujil means 90 years old while gujil gujil might mean what you said. There are many korean words that don't have exact correct definition in english.

You don't have to rush through the chapter though. I have enough time to check this page several times a day :D

-the above anon-

Nani Othman said...

omg that makes me feel even worse DX, several times a day!? oh god i really have to work my fingers!! and thanks again for the support. i almost cried!

Jazlyn said...

hey, just stumbled upon your blog and like your writing! shall follow from now on.

p/s: i came upon when when i was searching for rachel berry annoying ;)

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Nani Othman said...

thanks, mate. hope to see you around soon. =)

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