July 22, 2013

Sebab dia percuma. -edited-

If a bitch steals your man, the best revenge is to let her keep him. Real men can't be stolen, Nani. Sebab Tuhan sayang engkaulah, Dia pisahkan kau berdua. Sebab Tuhan kesian kat engkaulah Dia ambil lelaki macam itu dan campak kat perempuan lain yang selayaknya. Bersyukur, Nani. Tuhan sayang engkau. -A very good friend of mine

* * *

'You wanna tell me why you did it?' I asked. It's funny how my voice wasn't at all shaky despite the madness of the situation. In front of me was this person I had been in love with my entire life. A man I have shared my deepest and darkest secrets with, whose deepest and darkest desires are known to me because of the unspoken pledge of honesty between us. It had been years. And that's centuries in a woman's life. The man I had respected for his wisdom and affection, loved for his generosity and charm, adored for his patience and strength - was now sitting in front of me - guilty, but wasn't apologetic. Not the slightest. Son of a goddamn bloody bitch.

'I think you already know why,' he began, rather gently but still, not apologetic. Clearly he didn't realize just what kind of a pig he was.

'Your version, please,' I replied. This time I had a little smile on my face, for courage. I didn't soften the tone of my voice as I normally would when we have our heart-to-heart talk. I didn't want to. I was disgusted.

He looked at me. Brave enough. Hm. I would crush that soon. Wait for it. Now, when his mouth opened, I wished I hadn't asked him to tell me anything. But I wasn't that kind of girl, who regrets taking the step forward. And I also wasn't the kind of girl who can just walk away from something she cares about so much and pretends as if it was nothing. I was somewhere in the middle. I cared. But I also wanted to stop. And he said, 'I want to be with someone normal, Hana.'

Well, I guess I really should, then.

At that moment, everything I had ever known and loved in my whole life broke into a thousand pieces, with a silence that was so destructive I thought I'd let a part of me die with everything that was broken in the exact second. If I could, I really would've. I swear.

'Everything,' I demanded, even when I knew that I wasn't going to be ready for it.

'She lets me take her out. Dates, you know movies, or just walks and talks, I mean - I get to see her often. That's something we would never do because you have all these,' he hesitated, and proceeded with the dumbest shit any guy could ever come up with, 'rules about going out with a guy.'

I blinked. Unbelievable. Had he really sunken to that lev-

'I just want a normal girlfriend,' he added, stressing on the word normal.

Ah. He had. Right.

That would have made me laugh any day if that came from some other guy and the woman he was talking to was someone else. Seriously? But the problem was that I knew I was right, he did too, and I was going to let him get away with cheating because both of them deserve each other. Well, don't they?

'They aren't my rules, Lutfi. They are God's rules,' I said - stressing on the word God. 'Don't we both pray 5 times a day?'

He looked away. That is to be expected, my friends.

'You don't want a normal girlfriend. You just want someone you don't have to pay for with nikah,' I said, finally. Well, that's what this is all about. Basically.

He didn't say anything. Ah, what could he have said, anyway?

'She let you touch her?' I poked.

'Yeah,' he answered, after a moment of hesitation.

'I see,' I replied. I mean, yeah, I really did see the whole picture now.

'It's not what you think,' he added hastily. 'We didn't have s-

I laughed. Genuine.

'It doesn't matter what I think, Lutfi. I don't own both heaven and hell,' I mused. 'Someone else does. It's Him you need to worry about.'

Yeah, call me an impossible girlfriend. Why not? I practically am, in more ways than one. I refused every time he asked me out. I had always refused to be seen with him without a friend or a family member. I do not believe in holding hands, kisses in the car, pointless walks, empty talks and wild concerts that he believes would bring two people closer - we are Muslims, yeah? Let's live like we really are. Let's love like God teaches us to. But he didn't think it would be cool.

I guess I kind of grazed his massive ego so he decided to hit me back. 'She often looks pretty. She dresses up well.' He stared at me. Plain, pastel me. As if that would hurt. I can't believe that I was ever in love with someone so dumb. This isn't high school, genius. Mature women don't get hurt just because their boyfriend cheated with a prettier girl.

'You're joking, right?' I asked. It was getting ridiculous.

'I found someone better, Hana.'

'You think you found someone better.'

He didn't say anything to that.

'I have always had the choice to be with someone so much better than you, Lutfi, but I chose to be with you. And now you're telling me, you're leaving me for someone better just because you think you have a choice? Tak sedar diri.'

He was as still as a corpse.

'Kau mana ada choice, Lutfi. Kau pilih dia sebab dia percuma. Bukan sebab dia lebih baik dari aku. Face it,' I said, kindly. 'Dan perempuan percuma saja yang kau mampu afford.'

He couldn't believe I had said that. I was always the sweet one. The kind one. The forgiving one. The one with the most carefully chosen words. Well I've chosen perfectly this time, haven't I? A round of applause, if you please.

'I'm tired, Hana,' he said, after a fake sigh. 'I don't wanna fight.'

'I'm bored, Lutfi. You're just another disappointment.'

A few seconds went by. And he decided to do the stupidest thing in the universe.

'I'm sorry for everything.'

'Don't be. I'm not.'

'Hana -

'You don't have to apologize for being you.'

He looked at me - wondering just what the hell was I thinking. LOL. Can you get any stupider?

'Tell her I'm sorry. A cheater is the best gift I can sincerely offer to her, for your wedding. Both of you deserve each other.'

'Hana -

'I need to go now. I have a new life to live. You've wasted years of my life so I really hope you'll fuck up the rest of yours really bad you'd die early. Bye.'

That was rude, I know. That was beyond anything rude I had ever said to anybody, even the people I hate.

So I walked away.

I bet you're wondering about my broken heart. Heh. It'll mend itself eventually. It always does.

I bet you're also wondering if I cried. Yeah I did. I cried because God had chosen the best for me - a life without him. Because He was so close. Because His love was so obvious. Because He saved me.

And are you wondering if it was hard? It was. It really, really was. But I pulled through because I realized something - that at least two meaningless people would never make it into my future. Because I deserve so much more. So much more.

I didn't turn to take the final look at his sorry face because I already knew what I would see - the face of the person I should have high-fived with a truck.

But hey, that would be animal cruelty. 

* * *

'Lutfi, if you can cheat behind me with her, apa jaminan kau takkan buat benda yang sama pada dia? Can you guarantee that you'd be loyal to her?' I asked, already knowing the answer.

'Saya pun tak tahulah, Hana,' was his reply.

Well, looks like he's really, the BEST gift for her, then.

21 scribbleback (s):

Lisa Farhana said...

badassery at its best.

Nani Othman said...

lisa farhana,
haha. i hope so. XD

Farahanani Amhazali said...

Akak.. This happened to me last few months. But before I managed to say anything... He literally dead.

Somehow rasa tak puas hati. Somehow rasa sedih. Somehow rasa..that is his best fate.


Nani Othman said...

Ahaha. Allah knows best kan? Hope things turn out ok for you.

Nurul Ain said...

Be strong, kak!

I'm a fan of your writings! (hope that could make you feel better) hehehe


Nani Othman said...

nurul ain,
aww, thats so nice of you. =) yeah you do make me feel better.

Acaii Jawe said...

Beautifully written nani:)
Mudahnya, soal jodoh tiada yang tahu 'rahsianya' hatta yang telah berkahwin sekalipun. Baguslah putus sekarang dari tahu perangainya bila telah ada ikatan sah kelak. Satu lagi chapter hidup telah berlalu.

Insyaallah orang yang baik jodohnya sentiasa untuk orang yang baik-baik juga:) Janji Allah dlm Quran. Doa selalu. Minta sungguh2 agar soal ini bakal jadi nikmat paling bahagia nanti. Positif dan senyum selalu:)

Nani Othman said...

Thanks for the very warm comment. Almost made me cry!! Nani doa selalu. =) thanks again, esal, my very good friend. Hope to hear from you more often.

lilyto lilo said...

Hye sis,
Nice one! Actually, I can say that I have the same love experience as yours. Better, the girl was pregnant and they to be married. And much better, after a tear he found out that the child is not even him. I was laughing the hell out.
I am married now and blessed with a daughter. I could not thank Allah enough for sending my hubby during the darkest period of my life. And thank to that girl for sweeping that rubbish away from my life so that i can meet a man that is 1000x better than him.
I pray you will find your other half and I he will be much more better than him.
'I need to go now. I have a new life to live. You've wasted years of my life so I really hope you'll fuck up the rest of yours really bad you'd die early. Bye.' - best line ever. Salute!

Nani Othman said...

Oh wow. Thats just crazy. But its wonderful that you have a great life now, thanks to the girl. Amiin to your prayer, sis. God bless us all, insyaallah. Im looking forward to find my other half that God has chosen for me. He must be a gazillion times better than what i had to deal with. Hehe. See you around.

cafiena said...

MasyaAllah, your courage beyond any word I can ever imagine.

In fact,reading this make me realise how much God protect me when I were drifting away from Him.

Thank you, you are such an inspiration!

Nani Othman said...

You are too kind, miss. I was only being me. But thanks, im so glad i could be of help. =)

farah fazrin said...

We never knew each other and this is first time I read your entry. Truly, I believe you are strong person.
And yes..it's rude words to someone who had been part of our life before but it's worth.
Stay strong, put trust to Allah and insha-Allah you will be better.
Stay strong :)

Nani Othman said...

Hey there. Thanks for the encouraging words. People like you make the world feel like a better place. Thanks a lot, mate. See you around.

Farahanani Amhazali said...

I guess I'm doing just fine. I can't believe life is much better than before.

Yup. Allah knows better. That cliche words always fit every dark days I had...

Nani Othman said...

True2. =) if Allah is everything you have, then you have everything.

anak pak man said...

So many feels..

Lisa Farhana said it before and I'll say it again,

Bad. Ass. Sir. Ry.

Anonymous said...

Oh well, kita selalu lupa, perempuan baik untuk lelaki baik. So does vice versa.

This made me smile :)

Nani Othman said...

Anak pak man,
Long time no see, haha. Feels, huh? I try, sir, i try. =)

You made me smile. =)

Emma Amir said...

God amazes us in so many unthinkable ways.

One day, when you find the right person for you, you will be smiling ear to ear, knowing that you found a better man. A real man.

May God bless you.

Nani Othman said...

Emma amir,
I have never stopped believing in that. A real man sounds wonderful. Amiin.

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