For everyone who missed the announcement:

I'm writing on Tumblr now. It's quieter there.

YLKAWRYTES

See you there, I guess.

...that boys shouldn't be boys if being boys hurts others.

A few days ago, someone I almost thought I should look up to disappointed me, so I stopped entertaining the idea that she might have deserved my respect like what LOL no. How's that for an intro? 

Hello. Yeah, you. Hi. I'm trying to return so bear with me as my train of thoughts tries to make sense of the crazy rail it is currently on. It's been a while since I last wrote a rage post so today feels like a good day to start working on a mild one - thus here I am. I hope everyone is doing fine, and if you're not just hop on anyway - life is too short to be depressed about insignificant things, so choose happiness and read a rage post that could have been nastier. One almost furious Teacher Nani is on the way, so buckle up. I honestly can't be bothered to write a better introduction, you're gonna have to forgive me for this. I'll do better next time. But it's not a promise.

So earlier that day I attended a small meeting with a group of people I thought rather highly of. Wow that sounds so offensive I actually laughed but yeah OK let's move on. The topic was Change - what change are we seeking to make in our little society and how to go about doing that. Personally I think it went fine, until one of us suggested that educating girls to respect themselves is not enough; that boys need to be schooled on respecting girls, too; that boys shouldn't be boys if being boys hurts others and that girls and boys need to know their boundaries (la taqrabu zina, anyone?). To which I agreed, wholeheartedly. Yeah. Until that. Because the response that came from the person I almost thought I should look up to was frighteningly stupid and dangerously detrimental to anyone's psychological health; 'Uh, about that, I'd like to point out that the reason boys engage in indecent behaviours is because the girls are inviting them to. Wouldn't have happened if girls don't allow them to.' Disgusted? Believe me you don't wanna know how it sounded in Bahasa Melayu - I almost broke someone's face after hearing that. That was loosely translated and even that makes my blood boil wow.

To which I responded - in loose translation, of course, 'That's not true. Girls do indecent things, too, yes. But that doesn't mean they are to be blamed for every single khalwat and zina case we deal with. The thing about Malay parents is they put so much pressure on their daughters and let their sons do whatever they want because 'boys will be boys'. We tell our girls to always walk in groups. We tell our girls to cover up. We tell our girls to do this and that - to avoid getting raped. But how many of us tell our boys to not rape? To not disrespect girls if they are not tudung-clad? To not kiss girls just because she said they should?'

To which some of us responded with nods of agreement (I hope). 

I don't know what her face looked like when I said that. I didn't bother to look. I was so pissed. How can she be a mother, a sister, a woman and think like that all at the same time? How can you so easily decide that girls are the reason why all these disgusting cases are piling up in the freaking office? How can you be quoting Quranic verses and hadiths in your daily conversations and think so lowly of others? How can you be saying that shit like you're so damn sure none of your daughters is going to end up getting pregnant without knowing who the father is? How. Can. You. Do. All. That? 

I still couldn't believe she actually came to that conclusion. 'Perempuan yang bukak jalan. Lelaki kalau orang dah offer, takkan nak menolak? Puncanya memang perempuan. Fitnah akhir zaman.' Hello madam, you are a woman, too, what are you talking about OMFG did you fall down and break something on your way to the meeting room because I can't do this anymore. Were you a bukak jalan kind of girl when you were younger? So was it because you spread your legs for men often back then you think ALL girls are the same? No? Then why are you so obsessed with this idea of women as the root of all sins; of men as saints who could do no wrong yet can succumb to temptations and still remain innocent, what the hell is that thinking I can't understand! What religion teaches that because I can't find a rule in any possible version of a sick and twisted Islam that suggests: a woman who willingly offers herself to a man is halal for him touch and kiss and make love to, and if she gets pregnant, it's entirely her fault. Because that's what you're implying. That it's not the boy's fault that he has no self-control. That it's not the boy's fault that he gets turned on by what the girl wears. That it's not the boy's fault that he agrees to have sex with her just because she said they should. That boys will be boys, and girls are always responsible for the way boys behave. 

Did you teach your son those things? Because wow we're all fucked if you did. Who knows how many minds he had poisoned with your ideas?

What happens to saying No? What happens to staying away from anything that will lead to zina? What happens to remembering God and supressing your lust? What happens to trying your best to be the best Muslim you can be? And what happens to striving for Jannah?

Here's an analogy. I'll give you a can of beer and I'll tell you to drink it. I'll even tell you in my own sick way why it's fine to do so and that it won't be sinful. Will you do it? (If you say yes, you can stop reading, there's nothing else for you here.) No? Why? Because it's haram. Because my offering it to you is a sin and my normalizing the haram is an even bigger one. Because accepting it would make you a sinner, too. Because knowing that it's wrong and still doing it is horrible and sinful. Because it's NOT entirely my fault if you make up your mind to sin. Because when it's your heart that wants it, your hand that accepts it, and your throat that relishes it - it's YOUR fault. You know that. You know that when you choose to sin, you are responsible for whatever outcome you're gonna have to face. That's why you wouldn't do it.

Then why is it different with the teenagers who engage in sex before it is halal for them? Don't the boys know that zina is haram? They do. Then why is it ONLY the girls' fault when both of them choose to sin? Both sides have the choice to say No but only one side gets the blame? WTF? Why did you nag at the girl to mandi wajib, tell her that she is filthy, but you didn't give the boy a single warning? That's what I don't get and that's why I think you need to stop acting like you're way up there - you don't know when your own son is going to ask you to pinang a pregnant girl because he has decided to be a father before even marrying her. One of these days, madam, you're really going to regret having spoken garbage about other people's kids. One of these days, Allah will show you that nobody is better than anybody, nobody has the right to condemn anybody to hell; and for their own sake, I hope your lesson wouldn't have to involve your kids.

I am so disappointed and furious. How can someone of such age, in such position think and say such dumb and destructive things? No doubt she has been spreading this toxic belief to the youths she engages herself with, and none of them had no courage to counter her like I did which is why she has been believing that shit for I don't know how many years now. How can you believe that girls are the sole reason this shit happens when you too, are woman? Or did you just exclude yourself and your daughters from that conclusion? WTH? Right. This backward thinking needs to stop. This is one of the things that's destroying us a nation - a generalization of a whole group based on a judgment that spurs from blind hate. I'm not saying everyone should love everything and everybody because I know that's not possible - we are humans. I'm just saying that we should love for the right reasons and hate ONLY when we're well-informed. Even then hating is still a choice and happy people will choose to not hate. And I'm saying we're not supposed to spread nonsense just because we have the power to influence because that's horrendous and if you're still able to look at yourself with pride after doing that, you need to get your brains checked. There is something seriously wrong there.

I'm also saying we must blame the rapist for rape but we shouldn't blame only one side for zina. I shouldn't have to explain this anymore God it's 2017. You said you wanna help girls, so you start by helping yourself think better about other people and think lesser about how great you believe you are. And there are always three sides to remaja terlanjur stories like this; the girl's, the boy's and then there's the truth. So tak payahlah nak memandai tambah cerita pasal perempuan bukak jalan pejadah semua when you're not even a part of the truth. Tak payah. It's already a difficult mess to clean without you adding crap to it. So really, tak payah tambah bala yang tak perlu. It's sick and I am revolted and I don't know how you could live with that kind of filth in your head - the same place you put knowledge and thinking. I really don't. And I really hope there are less of your kind now than before because the world is already dying. Too little humility around and too many self-professed ahli syurga making mess. So yes, lesser of your kind is better.

Phew.

I am saddened. My soul is tired. It's been 1400 years since Iqra' but the jahiliyyah notion of women being the reason for all sins still thrives because some women still believe that that's all there is to being a woman. Sigh. It's only August and I'm more than done with the year. 2018 should really come faster. Bring about some fresh air. It's getting harder to breathe now. And yes, I am back. 

Fully.

Dokkaebi: The Closest Thing to Magic Anyone Could Possibly Experience

This is a personal rant, so spoilers abound. You've been warned.

At around 3 AM on the 22nd of January 2017, I completed Dokkaebi with one of the biggest emotional breakdowns (read: world-shattering cryfest) caused by any form of writing I had ever loved - be it a book, a play or a drama script. My whole face was covered in tears and I couldn’t even see the screen clearly anymore when Ji Eun Tak greeted Kim Shin in Quebec after being gone for at least 70 long years. I was sobbing - almost unable to breathe - into Memilgun (thank God I had the sense to cover him in a towel - he was expensive and my tears would have spoiled him) like a mad woman. I’m not exaggerating, I have no reason to. The final episode was definitely one of the most fantastically shot finales of a TV drama anyone could have ever written, and I can promise you this - I have taken everything into consideration before saying so; writing, direction, acting, cinematography, score and transitions. But then again, I would say the same thing about the previous fifteen episodes – at least for ten more years.

So yes, that marks the possible end of the roller coaster ride of extreme emotions I had never thought a drama could make me feel, and I am deeply saddened by it. No more sleepless weekends with the Dokkaebi Squad - discussing, fangirling and theorizing plot development. No more refreshing six different streaming sites every 10 seconds to watch the next episode. No more yelling, ‘Dah keluaq!!!’ in the Dokkaebi Squad group every time an episode is out. No more waiting for every week’s releases to download the OSTs. No more getting all emotional about unexpected plot twists. No more suffering 5 days like 5 months every single week. And no more misleading previews to wreck the group into smithereens of feels until the next episode airs. *sigh* This drama came into my life and brought with it so many things I am not willing to let go as it ends, even now and I really don’t know how to deal with this so I’ll just write my heart out. Basically, I trust that this whole production team must have given everything they had and traded a few really pure souls to the devil in exchange for one of the strongest line-ups of cast in the history of Korean dramas. I have to hand it to both Gong Yoo and Kim Go Eun, though. Their slow-burn chemistry is pure on-screen conflagration - so addictive, so engaging, so raw and real and thank God for their amazing abilities to deliver convincing emotions through their voices, eyes and facial expressions – your success as the Dokkaebi couple are a gift to humanity, hands down.
 

Let me tell you that I am a well-read person (most of my friends know this), I go for every genre I could in my reading and writing (but I do have favorites, though) so all these excessively destructive feels I am currently suffering are as legit as your very existence. You don’t have to agree with me, or even believe it but yes they are as real as you. This rant will be long and personal and very honest from my heart so if you hate the drama for any reason, I would really appreciate it if you leave now - there is nothing for you here. And if you have loved everything about Dokkaebi and are experiencing withdrawals - I am happy to invite you to stay and let’s do this together.

At a glance, if you have a bit of knowledge in literature, Dokkaebi is a TV drama that has rich poetic content and sky high standards of visual production; you don’t have to wait long to see these, they are in every frame of every episode for you to appreciate and gape at. I do that; gaping and covering my mouth and staring in awe and gaping again, LOL. Every episode is show-offish and spectacular on so many levels, every actor is perfect for their roles, the impressive score is always on point and every scene was gorgeously shot it felt like I was watching a series of 16 art films, instead of an on-going cable TV drama. The first few seconds of the first episode definitely stole every possible amount of emotional and intellectual investment I could ever offer to a literary work and hooked me to it until the last moment of episode 16. The plot is laced with light-hearted comedy and heart-wrenching drama, which are the stuff I live for so it was a heartbreakingly incredible journey, but it was worth it. And I never knew that it was possible to be so dedicated to a TV drama like that – I have only been this obsessed with books my entire life. So this was a new experience for me. It was refreshing. It felt great.

The cast and characters are a pool of polished talents, which was the major reason I went out of my mind every single week waiting for the next episodes to air. The chemistry – either slow burn or violent lightning bolts trapped in a glass bottle – were some of the best I’ve seen in any production. And the line deliveries, God, it’ll be difficult for future dramas to top the ones in Dokkaebi. Everyone went all out for this particular production – and no effort went to waste. No one fell short behind anyone in leaving a memorable performance, and no one will be forgotten. Because every moment spent watching each and every one of them, shined. However, it’s the Dokkaebi couple that made everything work for me. Both of them are in their own leagues, it was electrifying to watch them on screen together because;

Kim Shin is the dokkaebi who set hearts of women on (blue) fire.
Our lonely dokkaebi used to be a highly accomplished general of Goryeo, and he has spent 900 years existing and offering miracles to people who need them. He’s ancient and wise but he bullies his Joseung Saja housemate and Deok Hwa whenever he thinks he should, he is righteous and heroic but he summons gold bars to boast about them whenever he gets drunk – he has so many dimensions to his character that are refreshing to watch and I enjoy every single one of them. I’ve written a whole post about him, so I won’t be ranting much about him here. But I will say that he’s the first representation of a dokkaebi I have ever seen so I have no one to compare him to, thus he becomes the benchmark for future dokkaebis if there will be any. He is the kindest, majestic though shattered immortal soul I have ever encountered in my entire reading career - he reminds me of the person I hope to one day meet and befriend, and that’s just magical. I love that Gong Yoo embodies the lonely gentleman that is Kim Shin – his physical approaches towards Ji Eun Tak are always pure and loving, never aggressive, never possessive, never lustful – unlike some of his previous roles. Hehe. Just when I thought nothing from Gong Yoo will ever surprise me anymore after Busanhaeng, he delivered a perfectly flawed Kim Shin and took my breath away. *sigh* And I also love his smitten face in this drama, LOL. Would you look at that?

And Ji Eun Tak is the heartbeat of Kim Shin’s eternal life.
She is also the heartbeat of the whole story. I admit, one of the reasons I decided to watch Dokkaebi was writer Kim Eun Sook – I love how she wrote Descendants of the Sun, and the other reason was Gong Yoo; he was incredible in Busanhaeng. But I fell in love with Ji Eun Tak first before I fell for the story and the insane force that is Kim Shin, and I couldn’t even believe it. I love that her character is so wonderfully written – she is a breath of fresh air. When I saw a nine-year-old Eun Tak in episode 1 talking to the ghost of her mother, my heart swelled at how strong she was. There was no sobfest; and instead of comforting her with loving words of departure, her mother gave her instructions because she was smart enough to get over the loss, carry them out and mourn later. She was nine, people. Nine. When I was nine, the only thing I did on my own was my homework. My mother helped me with them occasionally, too. Pft. And ten years later, she surprised me again by being able to survive in such a toxic household – mentally and physically abusive aunt, downright stupid and evil cousins, I hate all of them and the rice bowl scene will forever be ingrained in my memories as one of the most insulting things anyone could ever do to another person. You would think she would be gloomy and depressed all the time, having to live with such vile creatures and not having a single friend at school; but she looks at life so positively that it’s hard to not adore her strength. She doesn’t let these side characters bring her down and continues to dream and hope for a better future, and she strives hard for it.

I’ve come across some hate on her character and even Kim Go Eun for no real reasons apart from the fact that Ji Eun Tak is too young compared to Kim Shin (WTH?). Look people, I really can’t comprehend this – if she is played by an 80-year-old halmoni, she would still be 800 years younger than our dokkaebi so what exactly is the issue here? Nothing. There is no issue and you people are just dirty-minded. The age gap is already addressed by Joseung Saja Kim Woo Bin in episode 6, which means the whole production team knows what they’re doing and it is irrelevant to the plot, so why exactly? LOL?

Some other haters thought they were being critical by saying she is childish and clingy, but I’m really waiting for at least an evidence to prove this claim though. So far no hater has come forth with any so I’m just going to brush this off because it's just groundless hate. But if you’re referring to how playful and carefree she was around Kim Shin when they first went to Quebec, I’m going to have to call you crazy or just dangerously bitter and I suggest you get help -  that's one serious mental illness you got there. It’s disturbing how people find a way to hate on someone not deserving of hate. Some people just have so much time to waste. If you expect a friendless high school senior who had lived under constant abuse for ten years, been treated unfairly by her teacher and classmates, been told that she wasn’t supposed to be born when she was perfectly healthy at 9 right after her mum’s death to NOT be overwhelmed by excitement and brightly grinning around the first person who had shown her a bit of kindness (buckwheat flowers and a magical trip to Canada) - you have an unreasonable standard for how such a person should act. So playful and carefree, yes. Childish and clingy, no. This girl practically grew up on her own, dealt with all the shit the world had in store for her all by herself, never backed down despite being pressured by negativity from every possible aspect of her life and fiercely refused to give up on surviving despite knowing she was living on borrowed time. Like hello, she works hard at growing up and not getting corrupted by her surroundings and succeeds. How do you hate a character like that? How?

*sigh* Anyway, Eun Tak never fails to surprise me over and over again with her thoughtfulness, endearing quirks and impressive character development – helping the ghost girl to refill her fridge so that her mother deals with her departure easier, laminating the maple leaf as parting gift for the dokkaebi, sweet-talking the dokkaebi into telling her the lottery numbers to help the ghost ahjumma’s children, working out to pull out the sword in one go so as to not hurt out dokkaebi (even while knowing that he would have to leave) because that’s what he wanted and needed from her, picking up the pieces of his heart when Chairman Yoo passed away, defending her ghost unnie from being punished by Kim Shin because she already apologized, graduating college with a degree while battling clinical depression all on her own, becoming a radio PD who inspires her co-workers every day despite having to deal with unspeakable grief every night, suffering hard core abandonment issues for ten years and never really getting over it but still treating undeserving people with kindness, saving a whole group of kindergartners in a heartbeat because someone should and no one else could – I could write a whole paper on why Ji Eun Tak is one of the most inspiring women in literature and get an A+ for it, but I have another paper to finish so I will leave you with this: She is one of the most selfless, courageous, forgiving, loyal and unpredictable characters ever written, and I adore everything about her (and if you think otherwise, I will fight you because you’re wrong). She shines so dazzlingly and honestly all the time without even trying and that means a lot to me, who wishes to write better women in my own fictional works. For the magic that is Ji Eun Tak, I thank writer Kim Eun Sook. You’re inspirational, writer-nim, and Eun Tak is no less. I mean, look at that toothy grin LOL.

Alright. That should be it about the main leads. Let’s move on.

Now, one of the best things about Dokkaebi that I really appreciate is the fact that it does not spoon-feed the viewers the character and plot development, and major messages of the drama through straightforward line deliveries and scenes. It respects the viewers as people, who are thinkers, so they are instead done with genius transitions, stunning cinematography, precisely and symbolically placed props and elegant poetry in the multi-layered dialogues. You see all these in every episode but the one part that stunned me the most was when the two school girls were eating at Samshin Halmang’s fish cake stall.

The friend comments on the girl’s hairclip saying that she could just wear it when the father is around because it’s embarrassing. But the girl with the hairclip would not remove it, because she loves her dad and love isn’t something that exists just because the person is there with you. Following this scene was another in which our lonely Kim Shin walks by, wearing Ji Eun Tak’s red scarf around his neck – because his love for her does not fade just because she is not physically there with him. I choked back tears as I connected these two scenes because they were both disheartening and magnificent at the same time and I thanked God for the years I spent attending Literature classes in university. I would have missed half of these flashes of literature brilliance throughout the series if not for the classes. *sobs some more*

Right. In this production, literally no line is delivered for nothing, I promise. This is one of the most powerful conversations in the drama; 

              Kim Shin: There is no sadness that lasts for eternity. And there is no love that lasts for eternity.
              Eun Tak: I’m gonna vote that there is.
              Kim Shin: Which is it? Sadness or love?
              Eun Tak: Sad love.

and you have to wait until the end of episode 16 to witness the impact of this dialogue on the foreshadowed truth of their cruel yet beautiful destiny. What they had was pure, innocent love, and it was too sad to comprehend, let alone endure. It had and will always be true love, as it had and will always be too sad. But it lasts for eternity, and that’s the most important thing to them – and the rest of the fandom who actually gets it. Because God gave them such fate as a question, and their answer to Him was the best anyone under their circumstances could offer, that’s why they both win in the end. *wow, the feels*

Also, literally no prop is placed in a shot for nothing – buckwheat flowers that symbolize lovers, Joseung Saja’s brooch which hints who he was in his previous life, cotton flowers given to Ji Eun Tak by Samshin Halmang, Memilgun, laminated maple leaf, Eun Tak’s mother’s red scarf, Sunny-not-Sun Hee’s jade ring, star hairclip, candles, rose gold necklace with the word Destin as the locket, red scarf worn by Kim Shin; I could go on and on but let me just tell you that the writing of this drama is no joke. It calms me down a bit, knowing that our writer-nim took six years to complete the manuscript. If she had taken lesser, I will have no choice but to stop believing that she was ever human. So yes, the props. Just do a little research on what they mean and how they fit in each scene and you’ll realize how inventive the direction of this drama is. I’m really running out of adjectives here, people, so I really hope I’ve been making sense.

If you have read my rant up to this point, you would realize that I had been very attentive during the airing of every episode to the point that it’s almost psychotic and I am a rabid worshiper of the writing of this drama. I love it with my entire capacity of appreciating someone’s work and that is huge, even for me. I will defend everything and everyone fiercely so if you’re hating, you need to stay off my radar. And you would also realize that if you haven’t watched it, you really should and that if you already have but didn’t end up crazy, you’re cool. But in all honesty, the writing of this drama is on another level so if you’re the kind of viewer who needs to be told everything (like why didn’t Ji Eun Tak just summon Kim Shin instead of going to Quebec to find him? Or how did Kim Shin make it back? Or why did Ji Eun Tak so easily say ‘I love you’ in the first episode? Or how can this be her first life if Kim Shin first saw her in late Joseon? – I still can’t believe someone actually asked this in the comments section, but yes, I hope you get the idea), then this drama is not for you. You’ll get distracted by the loose ends you thought weren’t tied but were actually knotted in the decisions made by the characters, and that would definitely suck. So you stay happy, and watch another drama. I mean it. I’ve seen enough hate that was based on ignorance and lazy thinking so believe me you don’t wanna be a part of that. It’s really embarrassing to watch and it hurts the people who appreciate the production team’s hard work.

It’s not a difficult drama to revel in, it’s just very intricately and delicately written, the details could be overwhelming, which is why some lazy thinkers won’t and don’t get it thus ending up writing hate comments on both story and characters (although the only character they seem to hate for no obvious reason is Ji Eun Tak but yeah really whatever). I guess that’s the problem with non-thinking people, they go around writing shitty opinions about something they cannot even comprehend, instead of doing something about their disability (read: shallow-mindedness) and I swear to God I have yet to find a hate comment on Dokkaebi that’s not a personal attack on Kim Go Eun and Ji Eun Tak - because as hard as it is for them to accept, these haters have literally nothing on the show. No hate post has ever provided significant instances of the so-called flaws, non-existent chemistry and wonky execution they claim to have noticed in the episodes. They are just making empty claims with no substance or evidence and really, I don’t feel sorry for them at all. They don’t deserve it. I’m just glad I don’t belong to their group. Because honestly, I don’t think people who hate on fictional characters who are all around good and affectionate will ever be good friends to anyone. Seriously, if a person is helpful, brave, warm and compassionate and you still find it inside you to hate on him or her - what does that say about you and your mental state? Right. Exactly my point.

So I really hope that if you haven’t watched it, you would give it a shot. I can’t guarantee you would love it as much as I do, but from where I am, everything I have written about it up to this point is all true. So yes, think about it. I’ll wait. Heh.

OK, my rant is almost over so I’ll jump straight to the most powerful message in the drama that got through to me - selfless love always wins. In the beginning – both Eun Tak and Kim Shin desperately tried to keep each other alive because neither wanted either to die because they wanted to have each other for as long as possible; Kim Shin stopped a huge traffic collision because Eun Tak was on the bus, Eun Tak left the house and disappeared because she could never draw the sword knowing he would perish. This is selfishness, in a sense of wanting your life partner to always be with you at the expense of others (read: Joseung Saja working overtime and Kim Shin having to suffer his punishment longer). But as the drama draws to a close, they both came to realize that love isn’t about holding on to each other no matter what, it’s about returning to each other no matter how far you are separated, by time or distance.

Selflessly and surprising me yet again, Eun Tak decided that her time was up and she should leave the world of the living, but not before earning herself the title Cheonsa for taking the full impact of the crash and saving the lives of innocent children. She was 29, she was a Missing Soul – a Gita Nurakja, she has lived long enough on the time that she wasn’t supposed to have and she has always had it coming – so she left because it was for the best. I can’t even begin to tell you how difficult it got from the moment of the crash to Kim Shin falling to his knees, crying out the agony of his most painful loss in 900 years (it must have destroyed him into unrecognizable pieces; being a god and not being able to reach her on time) – my tears wouldn’t stop falling, and my heart broke for both of them. The last time I cried this much was when Dumbledore died and it was so devastating. It wasn’t easy. But it helped a lot to have the Dokkaebi Squad and with me through it all, though it was still so overwhelming.

Yet my heart swelled with pride when she decided to not drink the tea of oblivion, because in her short life, she had no regret whatsoever. Most of her 29 borrowed years were filled with suffering and heartaches, but she chooses to keep all of the memories because somewhere among them, there is Kim Shin. And selflessly too, Kim Shin agreed to wait. He could have just accepted God’s forgiveness then and there, cross over and be granted peace, but he let go of that opportunity because he wanted to wait for her in her future reincarnations. He didn’t know if they would be reincarnated in the same lifetime. He didn’t know if they would be able to find each other and we didn’t know how many lives he still has. But she still has another three. So wait for her he did. *sobs OMG WTH* I couldn’t help but smiled tearfully at Eun Tak’s genuine happiness when told that it was her first death. She knew that she was coming back, and she promised to come back running. And came back she did, although it took her many years later. It was perfect. So perfect. So selfless and sad but magically eternal. I couldn’t have asked for a better conclusion. I wouldn’t.

However, some fans have been complaining and suggesting alternate endings all over the internet. I couldn’t bring myself to agree to any of them. An ending where the dokkaebi chooses to become a human and grow old with his bride is an absolute betrayal to the title of the drama and the entire premise the story was built on. And an ending where Eun Tak somehow becomes another dokkaebi and lives forever with Kim Shin would be an insult to the viewers’ intelligence because it was stated loud and clear in episode 4 - if any of them complainers were actually paying attention – that she believes in a love that’s sad but everlasting. And that kind of love wins everything, every single time. Because it is selfless.

 

Sure, she will grow old and will have to leave him again in the future, and he will have to wait for her again and again until she uses up all her lifetimes. But I’d like to believe that the white butterfly would be merciful towards both of them at the end of her fourth reincarnation, and let them cross over together. Besides, the white butterfly likes Kim Shin for his good looks, and his punishment was long over – so if he asks to go to the afterlife with her, I bet it’ll be granted. I believe that our Dokkaebi couple will get their happily ever after in the end, without either of them having to leave the other, ever again. It’s bittersweet, but it’s the most perfect ending for their story. *uglysobs* So, so perfect, God.

*breathes deeply*

Alright. Congrats upon making it here, if you did. And thank you for taking the time to revisit the story that we all love so much, with me. It’s been a pleasure writing this out. The chaos in my thoughts is now calm so I think I can go back to writing my thesis. But that doesn’t mean I’m moving on. I’ve seen some bloggers writing posts about not being ready to move on from Dokkaebi and I thought to myself, ‘Why should we? Why can’t we just love it forever, re-watch the episodes like we re-read our favorite books and re-live the wonderful memories over and over again?’ Right? So I’ll take my time. I’m in no rush. It’s a beautiful love story. We should let it live.

And finally, I would like to thank the entire production team, especially writer-nim Kim Eun Sook and director-nim Lee Eung-bok for everything that made Dokkaebi the masterpiece that it is. Everything and everyone was right for the drama in their own magical way and it’s an honor to be watching all 16 masterpieces as the rest of the world was. Writer-nim, I don’t know if you will ever see this, but you’re amazing and I hope you hear people telling you that every single day because you deserve it. Thanks for sharing your beautiful story with all of us; Dokkaebi could easily be the closest thing to magic anyone can ever experience, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Dokkaebi 2016: My thoughts after watching 5 episodes.

Look I was mad and all last night because this 939-year-old dokkaebi thought he gets to make a decision regarding two peoples' lives just because he is older and he thinks he knows better. Well, hello there sir, yeah you - no, you can't do that. I believe that if you're gonna ask someone to do something horrible TO you and FOR you, that person deserves to know what she's getting herself into, she's an adult and she should have a say in this stupidly selfish plan of yours. It's not just about you anymore. So yes I was mad, and I couldn't sleep because WHO THE HELL GREENLIT THIS CRAZY DEPRESSING ROLLER COASTER RIDE OF EMOTIONS!!? 

Right. IN HIS DEFENSE - hold on let me take a deep breath, wow. OK in his defense however, I think he panicked. Our General Kim Shin of Goryeo panicked. Big time. Not your common "tomorrow is the first day of SPM and I have not studied anything" kind of panic, it's the "I've been wanting to die for centuries and now I can but the person who will grant me death keeps making me want to live (what!?) so I'm now greedy and if she dies before I do, I'll be alone for eternity (shit!) and I've had enough of eternity so WTF am I gonna do" kind of panic. He panicked because his 900 years of being a god did not prepare him for the chaos that is Ji Euntak. Our dokkaebi has been in control of his entire life for centuries - everything goes his way - he's a god (albeit of a lower rank), he has all the time in the world to read and re-read books and appreciate art, he carries around a badass sword on fierce blue fire, he saves lives, he punishes bad people, he is freaking rich; has an incredible house and can summon gold whenever he wishes, basically his whole life is made up of ALL my life goals. So yes, it has been almost a thousand years of being in complete control and suddenly there was Ji Euntak - one brave girl who pointed at the sword in his chest and his whole world is now upside down. Resolution? Out the window. Plus, he had just realized that he had spent the 900 years existing, not living. What he wants now, is to live. Because there was her. And that, people, is how our beloved dokkaebi lost his mind. For hundreds of years, he had been preparing himself for her arrival - I'm gonna meet a girl who's gonna be my bride and she's gonna draw the sword, I'll be dust and everything will be over. My painful eternity will end and I'll finally be at peace - but now, not only would the current puzzle pieces not fit anywhere anymore, his bride even brought along with her more insanely bizarre pieces. He, our general Kim Shin of Goryeo, was definitely not ready for any of those. Which is why his thoughts are all over the place and he didn't even realize it.

His math was simple; marrying the bride + sword removal = happy death. That's all it has been to it for hundreds of years and he was ready. Or at least he thought he was. What messed it up was everything that he did not at all expect to come with the bride - happiness, crazy heartbeats, companionship, warmth, envy, longing, greed, selfishness, power balance (Ji Euntak, is a very dominant character because Kim Go Eun slays) - all these unforeseen factors and many more affect him in ways he never thought he should prepare himself for and they got him so confused and depressed that it pours heavily even when he is with her, when he knew for a fact that there should be flowers blooming everywhere in the region (I think half of Korea freaked out because of that incident, LOL). And as if that wasn't enough of a headache, reality stabbed him like another cursed blade in the heart when he realized that he has absolutely no idea where in the equation is he to place these new factors to get the result he had always wanted - his long-awaited death. His ancient mind was pandemonium, because there was no way all those wonderful things are going to add up and give him a peaceful departure. He was going to get hurt, she was going to get really hurt and his 900 years' worth of life experience is rendered useless as of now. And I don't think gods react well to being helpless. The ones in the Dokkaebi 2016 perimeter seem to be really powerful but selfish and so unrelatable. *shrugs*

So I guess somewhere in all that confusion and progressive mental impairment, he decided that he just wanted to get it over with and depart anyway. Maybe it's for the best, he must have thought. I have been around long enough, haven't I? Because it had been centuries already - why should I be greedy now? Why should I be happy? I don't even deserve all this, right? Because if happiness is one of the choices, why is she destined to be the one who will send me away? And if happiness is not even a choice, why was I given the chance to meet her and fall in love? Do I even want the answers for all these questions? And what do I do with them if they ever get answered?

So yes, I get him. I get that he is lost and WHY he is being selfish. I'm mad because this is one of super rare times that I could feel a drama character as vividly as a book character (Lee Bang-won from Six Flying Dragons was the latest, though - he was beyond spectacular), and that's saying something because it's not an easy thing to do (just look at any film adaptation of any book you have read and loved, you'll understand) - I didn't think it's even possible but yes the production team of Dokkaebi 2016 made it happen so congrats (grudgingly) and WTH is this series, really. And I'll complete the 16 episodes I've committed myself to and I hope to untangle all these crazy thoughts and feels when it ends. There really is no turning back. Not anymore.

Kim Eun Sook-sshi, you've really outdone yourself this time. I just hope this one has a happy ending. I really do. Because our dokkaebi deserves it, and his bride, too. So I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Ironically.

None of my chapters are properly done and you know what's f*cking twisted?

KIM SHIN DIED ONCE BECAUSE SOMEONE HE LOVED GOT HIM STABBED AND HE IS TO DIE FOR THE SECOND TIME BY HAVING ANOTHER PERSON HE LOVES REMOVE THE SWORD.

I know. WTH right? It's a whole cluster of f*ckeries and so much torture - LIKE WHO GREENLIT THIS SHIT but really God bless the entire production team for such a powerful series.

2016? Gong Yoo punya. No doubt about that.

So good day.

Disturbance

I don't know how to go about saying this but I feel like letting it out whatever the hell it is. I've been having this irrational fear of suffering a mental illness I am not aware of - something very destructive but very quiet at it - so I've been staying up late trying to connect non-existent dots that would make up some sort of explanation, which also happens to be non-existent. Pathetic. I actually know what the trigger is, though - everyone on Twitter and Tumblr seem to be having mental and emotional issues and they talk about it at length so very seriously everyday to the point that it made me wonder if I'm actually abnormal for not having said issues. No I don't joke about being different and trying to fit in - what crap did I just write?

Is reading the chaotic things they write toxic? This fear I'm having - could I be developing my own illness because of those? And if I am, does that mean depression is a choice, like so many people have told me? So if it is, doesn't that explain some people I have decided to leave in my past for lashing out at me every single time I unintentionally made them feel unneeded? Yet if it does, shouldn't I be more compassionate towards them? Because really, there are people in the world who get angry at others for being independent. I've suffered some and I really don't wanna have anything to do with such people anymore. But shouldn't I be more compassionate because if they're mentally healthy they wouldn't be hurting people in order to feel needed? They are ill and isn't it wrong to not care? But if it is, why can't I be bothered? Why don't I even in the slightest feel like I'd give the thought about them a chance? 

And what the hell am I doing it's almost 2 in the morning? I need to get up at 6 and here I am contemplating whether I should be addressing this disturbance in my already unstable mental force or not - it's a nuisance and I hope it goes away soon, I don't have time for this. So many things to do, so little motivation, so lost in thoughts that are just everywhere and every single messed up thing. I'll stop here, God, I shouldn't have started. I need sleep. Yeah. That's it. I'll talk to you guys later - if anyone is even reading this. OK yeah OK I'm leaving. God.

Entitlement

Berasa layak kepada ganjaran walaupun usaha tak sepadan atau tiada sezarah usaha pun - definisi entitlement bagi aku secara peribadi. You are free to disagree. But you'll be wrong, at least in my opinion. And it shouldn't bother you. Because it doesn't bother me.

Verbally aku tak menilai siapa-siapa dalam kalangan yang mana-mana tentang tajuk posting hari ini. Tapi mentally aku judge semua yang aku kenal dengan nama - tua dan muda. Bila ditegur kakak-kakak berhati mulia tentang jujur aku yang tak mengenal tempat - aku senyum kesian. Mereka patut bersyukur sebab tak perlu dengar aku menyihir-sumpah dalam hati. Kalau jujur aku yang berlapik budi dan consideration pun mereka sudah mengucap urut dada sambil mention persimpangan hypothetical di mana berbaris 44 orang malaikat, aku tak imaginative nak bayangkan reaksi mereka kalau terdengar benda-benda yang Tuhan belum izinkan aku sebut lagi buat masa ini.

Bila fikir semula, pada banyak masanya manusia memang dikenang for all the things they didn't have the courage to say. At least setakat aku hidup ni, itu yang aku observe kerap terjadi. Aku harap aku tak mati hipokrit macam sesetengah orang. Tapi aku jugak harap aku hidup disayangi walaupun aku malas berbudi-bahasa, terutama bila berurusan dengan manusia lain yang ada masanya celaka macam sepertalian dengan iblis terlaknat. Dunia. Kita tak boleh dapat semua benda. Mungkin sebab tu semua orang nak cari syurga. Kot.

Tentang entitlement - aku rasa mana-mana manusia pun tak seharusnya berasa entitled to rewards for things they don't even achieve. Sebab tu aku tak isi borang BISP, sebab tu jugak aku cuba jatuh sakit supaya aku tak perlu ikut orang-orang yang pergi mencari bahagia yang undeserved di pulau bebas cukai kesukaan Malaysians. That's just not how my parents raise me - menerima pemberian yang tak sepadan dengan usaha. 

Belum ada impian cikgu-cikgu atau anak didik yang tercapai dalam tahun ini. Belum ada anak orang yang melangkah jauh daripada yang terjangka. Belum juga diberi recognition kerana matang meninggalkan peers jauh di belakang. Belum ada yang hidup lama dipuji dan mati tak dikeji. At least dalam tahun ini, belum lagi. Jadi mengapa begitu mudah meminta balasan kepada budi yang hasilnya masih gerhana? That's an irrational sense of entitlement you got there, peeps. Berkerut dahi aku lepas tahu ada orang-orang pelik semacam itu. Tak malu pulak kan guna reward padahal kerja untuk reward tu belum pun selesai. Disgusted tak aku? You bet.

True, semua orang tak sempurna. But that doesn't mean kita kalis nuklear kutukan dan judgement orang lain. Pada aku, it's human enough that we are not perfect, jangan dihinakan lagi keadaan kita dengan hati yang jijik dan perasaan entitled. Aku baru saja call Che'gu Usop. Barangkali jantung beliau terhenti beberapa saat bila dengar suara aku yang dah serupa orc. Demam aku masih convincing nampaknya. Justeru, dalam hati aku LOL lagi. Sebab dia sendiri yang cakap, 'Kalau macam tu, tak payah la pergi.'

*shrugs*

*makan ubat*

Salam.

September thoughts.

‘Bring back the people who stopped writing in 2009,’ they said. Those words rang in my ears like a revelation. I did sort of stop writing in 2009, what with the migraine-triggering amount of work and kids to deal with - and teaching. But that's really no excuse because writers should write, no matter what. And there's no such thing a writer's block, too, so I'm just gonna apologize. Heh. Hello, peeps.

* * *

It's amusing how these words just fly from my fingers into the screen when I'm not even trying - but when I'm really into working, really focused, really freaking determined; nothing comes. Literally nothing. I don't know if any other writers struggle the way I do but it's been driving me crazy for quite a while now, and I really want to just complete my dissertation and go back to living like a human being. I've been a ghost for too long now, persistently haunting the academic pages I can't even comprehend, visually drinking in the strings of phrases and sentences I can't even try to imitate, drowning myself in the overwhelming walls of texts chronicled by insane amount of dedication and hardwork - I feel like I'm being stretched so thin already; by envy, exhaustion, perplexity and the temptation to give up because I need to be done with this madness. I desperately do.

One sentence into my paper takes a mental century to form and even after the agony it has to be revised and revised because you don't wanna sound cheap when replicating other people's work but at the same time you have to replicate because you simply have no talent to sound smart. It's a lot like trying to sing like Mariah Carey but ending up sounding like Ariana Grande, if you follow me. It's really pathetic from wherever you're standing so I'll forgive you for judging. I mean, even I think that's pathetic - and we're talking about me here. So yeah. I don't know how my paper will end up like but the only choice I actually have is to finish it before the 30th of November so basically, you can consider me dead now. By the time it's over (it has to be, I can't afford anything else but that) I could have aged 15 years ahead. But yeah.

* * *

I wanna return to writing. I want to write like I used to. I just need to finish this 20K-word assignment without going mad.

* * *

My kids are wondering about Kristoff - did he die? Or did Elowyn go back to find him? Will they end up together? Did he marry someone else? *sigh* Maybe I should write about him. I should write a sequel. I guess I wanna know what happened to him, too. He's one of my favourite people. He deserves a conclusion. A good one.

* * *

And I need to complete Aletheia. Nat had been hanging to his last shred of sanity long enough.

* * *

Also, feelings don't die easily, because we keep feeding them with memories.

'...longer than I ever will.'

It was basically just one of those days when I actually talked about topics other than excellent grammar and impressive writing, with Sahrul, one of the kids at school. Sahrul, well (some day I might regret saying this but for now this will have to do) - he can be very annoying at times. And he can be very thoughtful at some other times as well so I'm not painting him any specific color for now. But there are some times when Sahrul can be a little bit smarter for his age, mature even - these are some really rare occasions so I appreciate them very much. It's just that he goes back to being annoying really, really fast. 

So it was one of those days. Lunch time. Slightly crowded college cafe. Sahrul was sitting across from me and I was eating. And he said, 'Teacher,' in the very familiar tone of someone calling you before they ask you a very difficult question. Teacher Nani, apparently, was too intoxicated by her nasik puteh with sup ayam to notice his intonation.

So she offered a short, 'Hm?' in response. Nonchalantly. She didn't even look up. That day's nasik puteh with sup ayam was extra tasty.

'Is there anything in life that you really, really want and still haven't gotten it?' he asked, without even stuttering. 

OK. Wow? Swallowing quickly, I looked up. He stared right into my eyes and smiled. 

'Or you already have everything you want?' he added, playfully.

That took me by a small surprise. It wasn't something kids ask their teachers. I mean, I never bothered about my teachers' lives when I was in school. What they had and what they wanted. I had Sailormoon and Harry Potter to keep me occupied. I still have Sailormoon and Harry Potter today (plus GoT and Pokemon GO), so yeah let's go back to Sahrul's question. I guess I never really thought about it, which explains why I was a little surprised? Heh. It wasn't even one of the crazy questions I often ask myself when I'm alone. Or maybe, I have always known the answer to that question before it even became a question that day.

'I think I do have everything that can possibly make me happy for a very long time,' I began. Nasik puteh and sup ayam tasted a little bland all of a sudden. How do I word my answer to his question without choking up a bit? 

Sahrul waited.

'I just want my parents to live longer than I ever will,' I finished.

Sahrul had no response to that. His eyebrows rose. I didn't know what he thought of my answer. I don't think he got where I was coming from. So sudden. So out of nowhere. So Teacher Nani thought she owed this one student of hers a proper explanation.

'Maak dengan ayah I dah pernah hidup tak ada I. They used to spend years of their lives not having to deal with the chaos that I am,' I said. 'I think they'll do fine if I leave first. It'd be like going back to not having me. They already know what it was like.'

Sahrul still didn't utter a response. Maybe he didn't have one. 

'I however, tak pernah tak ada maak ayah. I wouldn't know how to live if I don't have them,' I concluded, trying not to choke. Because how do you get used to living without the people who gave you life?

How do you get used to not having air? You can't. You don't. You die.

I think Sahrul understood me then and there. He smiled.

And my nasik puteh with sup ayam didn't really taste the same anymore. Because I had just realized how fucked up we all really are. All of us who still have parents. One day, reality is gonna hit us in the face and we'll be too lost to even realize it.

You see, mothers and fathers are incredible beings. Heaven sent. They can tell you everything there is to know about life and its intricate workings. They know so much. They will always know more than you do. They will always find answers to your insane enquiries no matter how ridiculous they are. They will always have time for you even when you don't deserve it. They will always have your back even when the whole world turns away from you. They will always have a reason to love you when no one else could. And they can teach you anything, ANYTHING you want to know 

- except how to live without them.

And that, is what I will leave you guys with for now. Just let that truth sink in.

I'm gonna go tell my parents I love them.

And I'll see you guys later.

Six Flying Dragons: A Personal Rant

WARNING: Long post. If you're allergic to lengthy personal ramblings, I must advise you to leave now. 

But if you're here because you think I still write worthy posts, please stay. And thanks a lot.

I've been having this particular track on loop for days already. 

Withdrawal is painful. But please listen. It's one of my favourites.

I completed my Six Flying Dragons marathon last week and now I'm having a highly disconcerting withdrawal syndrome, worse than the one I experienced after Descendants of the Sun was over. It's crazy. Is my emotional investment in this show worth it? Will let you know soon enough. Please keep reading if you would. It's been a while hasn't it? I hope I am missed. Heh. Now, on with the rant. See you at the end (if you actually make it there).

This 50-episode historical drama had single-handedly dominated an entire fortnight of my life. That's actually saying something because I don't get impressed very easily. Not with KDramas, nope. But somehow, Six Flying Dragons might have spoiled every other drama out there for me - not just KDramas, no - I really mean everything else. My benchmark of a good show has gone up so high I don't think I can watch any other series, especially not another sageuk without comparing it to the greatness that is Six Flying Dragons.

These might not be everyone's favourite themes - politics, history, martial arts - at least, based on what I've seen around me. But I'd really recommend this series to anybody who would enjoy serious thinking; chasing and outguessing the plot before the writers reveal the next twists in their work; people who would enjoy watching political strategists outsmarting each other; people who would enjoy strikingly memorable portrayals of historical figures; people who enjoy intense swordfights; and especially people who would appreciate a faction sageuk art at its most polished state.

As someone who is not even a fan of KDramas, I will be very honest. I am more than just impressed. The entire series is, to put it simply - actually a classy production of epic proportions boasting an exceptionally excellent writing, stunning cinematography, stellar lineup of cast (I don't even wanna know how the director managed to pool the really big names in the industry here, someone must have sold his soul to the devil to gather all these people in one show), very impressive score, visually captivating battle choreography, settings, props and costumes (everything from the black string that holds together Lee Bang-won's suit to Lee Bang-ji's battered but deadly sword to Gil Tae-mi's wacky eyeshadows to the beautiful fields to the palace and Jo Min-soo's bloody banquet), and of course, the pure dedication of everyone in the whole production team. My vocabulary fails me terribly now but I hope the message that reaches you is nothing else but, 'Six Flying Dragons is a masterpiece and that's it. People who don't think so are wrong.' That's my message. It's personal and it's sincere. I hope you'd give it a try. And maybe you would tell me about it later.

The real reason I was compelled to give this series a chance despite the intimidating number of episodes, was the guarantee given my sister that I would not regret it. That was all. I wasn't a fan of Yoo Ah In (I am, now) or Shin Se Kyung or any of the six leads. I simply watched it because my sister said it would be worth it. So I did. And everything that makes the series the masterpiece that it is just stole my focus right from the first episode. I admit I'd rushed to complete my school work everyday just so I could go home in the later afternoon to continue watching because every single episode just leaves you craving for more, but of course we all have school to attend so I suffered those school hours for 2 weeks. Sigh.

I didn't know much about Goryeo or any of the dynasties for that matter, and I didn't know why it would take six very powerful dragons to flip an entire dynasty upside down to build New Joseon. I just know that there was a Sungkyunkwan then, and there is a Sungkyunkwan now and Song Joong-ki attended it some time ago, before his name blew up in the Korean entertainment industry. Basically that's it. I'm not even very well-versed in the history of my own country (I'm very bad at dates), so everything in Six Flying Dragons was new, curious and riveting. I remember Googling and reading countless articles - long and short - and blogposts on the timeline of late Goryeo and early Joseon, reading almost everything all the things people have written about Jung Do-jeon, Taejo Lee Seong-gye and Taejong Lee Bang-won in desperate curiousity. You would think that I was going to sit for a test on Korean history from the way I immerse myself in my reading. It was sheer madness. I'd paused the episodes so many times to read deeper into Joseon history so that I could comprehend the series better, so that I could understand who did what and why. Boy, I surprise even myself at the amount of knowledge and understanding I now have of the two dynasties. They're not much, but they're fairly commendable to say the least.

The six leads are among the best characters I have seen in TV dramas or films or even books, if not the best. My initial favourites were the three historical dragons, but as the story progresses, I found myself enjoying the three fictional dragons very much, too. Sambong Jung Do-jeon is my number one genius. I would be reading more into his life later and I'll definitely watch other productions in which his character is portrayed. Kim Myung Min's Sambong is my first exposure to the Architect of Joseon and his character effortlessly charms me. But then again I always find smart and kind people very, very attractive so, yes, Sambong rules. Wise, mature and driven, I was really rooting for him throughout the series - his brilliant counter-scheming skills, ideological design and compassion for the people were depicted successfully in this drama, I think I actually have a favourite Confucian scholar now. The very thought alone makes me raise my eyebrows. I had zero knowledge on Confucianism prior to Six Flying Dragons and I now have a favourite scholar. Damn. Talk about being obsessed. I love how Kim Myung Min just naturally exudes the essence of Sambong in his acting, so natural that he just becomes Sambong for me. I haven't seen other Sambongs but his embodiment of this political genius is just right. Inventive, respectable, dignified, brave and calculating, I will adore this character for a very long time, I believe.

Cheon Ho Jin as Lee Seong-gye (later King Taejo) did a superb job at being extremely but believably righteous. The General Lee he portrayed is honest, loyal and courageous and he owns up to the errors he committed in his own virtuous ways. I marvelled at the difficult decisions he did not like but had to make - like going against the king when he truly believes in loyalty, by returning 50 thousand sons to the 100 thousand parents because to go ahead with the war just would not make any sense; discrediting the contributions of his sons (especially Bang-won's, the one who has done so much because he believes in Sambong's idea of Joseon more than anyone else ever could) after toppling the last king of Goryeo; going into the turbulence of politics when his real talents lie in the military; and becoming the first King of Joseon because no one else in the land was right for the throne. His character is intriguing to watch - reliable, trustworthy, judicious and unyielding, it's heartrending that he is destroyed by the loss of Sambong - the companion he has so highly esteemed for his brilliance and allegiance - and the infighting of his family. He would have made an even more remarkable king of Joseon, given his noble heart and bravery. He could have ruled longer, and far better. But history has its way around things and people, so I bid a pained farewell to King Taejo after he was irreversibly broken by the murder of his crown prince at the hands of Lee Bang-won, who was also a son he had loved.

Now, Yoo Ah In as Lee Bang-won. *takes a very deep breath, slowly lets it out* Right. *long pause* Wow. *blinks* Where do I even begin with this one particular dragon? He's the type that leaves you speechless and lost in thought long after his story is over, and you don't see that kind of dedication in most dramas you watch. Never have I seen so young an actor manifesting such immense talent in portraying one sole role the way Yoo Ah In did for the character of Lee Bang-won. As Bang-won, he intensely radiates this intimidating yet very addictive and fascinating presence on screen. Every single scene he is in is so compelling, every single thing he does is astounding to watch, every single line he delivers is filled to the brim with all the right emotions - despite the fact that nothing Lee Bang-won felt was ever short of complex, tormented, bewildered but resolute and terrifying all at once most of the times - throughout the entire series, Yoo Ah In didn't slack off, not even once.

When he was lying in the snow with Boon-yi - this is one of his most powerful performances throughout the show IMO - he flashes at least four to five expressions in between seconds; childlike glee, almost psychotic desperation, poignant solitude, intrepid decisiveness and suffocating misery - how the hell do you even do that, Ah In-ah? You must have lived and breathed as Lee Bang-won to be able to illustrate his chaotic thoughts that melt into focused strategies and violent heartaches so clearly on your (beautiful) face! I had to repeat the scenes several times to actually believe that there is an actor who can do that. How? OMG. I thought he got me when his tears begin to spill (really people, Yoo Ah In does spectacular breakdown scenes I swear to God - you MUST check out his other works!), but then he tells her that play time is over; I think my heart broke for both him and Boon-yi at that very moment. It broke further when he asks Boon-yi to call his name. At this moment I could already guess what was going to happen, and I wasn't ready. But when he further explained that they must stop speaking informally to each other, I realized that Boon-yi's 'Bang-won-ah' just a few seconds ago would be her last, so my guess was right! - I cried so hard, God, I sobbed into my pillow and paused the episode then and there. There was an apocalypse in my thoughts and my sanity almost didn't make it. Seriously, how is this man not winning every single award out there for every damn category, I don't even know.

Bang-won now knows that he could no longer afford the luxury of having friends, or a romantic companion from that moment on. Ambition trumps camaraderie to nothing more than just memories. The path he decides to take is a very lonely one, dauntingly lonely if I may add. But nobody else would walk that path and someone had to. But it's his and his alone. So when he wipes his tears and forced a sorrowful smile, looking ever so magnificent but shattered at the same time (freaking how did you do it, wow), I know that I've completely lost the Lee Bang-won I have so adored for 31 long episodes. And I lamented that loss. It felt like someone in my favourite book had died. It really did. It's the same ache I felt when Sirius Black died, the same ache I suffered when Nathaniel didn't make it. *takes a deep breath, trying not to cry* It's gonna be a while before anyone else could ever play that character again and not being a pitiful joke in comparison to Yoo Ah In's performance. And not to mention that he looks incredibly royal from any angle it's actually heartbreaking.

Personally, if you ask me, Lee Bang-won owns the entire series. Really. Charting his gradual transformation - from the hero-worshiping idealistic boy who harbours a disturbingly dark side (getting people presents just so he could look at their faces before deciding if he could kill them or not, at 12?) to the man who grows up so fast he becomes the political rival to his own teacher whom he used to worship; the man who discovers what his heart really wants and follows it, consequences be damned; the man whose ambition is so immovable that he makes a place for himself in the grand scheme where he is firmly told to have none; the man who took the throne against all odds because he believes that the right person should always take the job - was a roller-coaster ride of raw emotions that in the end, you're left scarred and battered. But I'd definitely do it again because Yoo Ah In really is THAT good.

Now, most of the articles I read about Lee Bang-won describe him as someone ambitious, ruthless and unforgiving. He seems like someone you just can't agree with, let alone befriend, no matter how hard you try. But writers Park and Kim's take on this very decisive king of Joseon is engaging to watch. The production team didn't hold back one bit in showcasing his brutality as the formidable political genius that he was nor did they offer excuses for the things that he did and the decisions that he made, because most of them were justified - at least in his judgment; in his prominent way of looking at the world and its intricate workings. So good job, writers Park and Kim! At least to me, he wasn't heartless, evil or any of those things. He was a young boy who craved guidance from the hero who turned away from him; a young man who was denied the path to greatness when he was exceedingly capable and highly qualified (Lee Bang-won was popular, possessed profound literary and military abilities and was a Confucian scholar, like why should there be any problem?); a prince who fearlessly challenged the status quo and a king who finally commands absolute authority but suffers severe loneliness to his end. This version of Lee Bang-won must have been such a joy to write. His vivid charisma was portrayed so precisely by Yoo Ah In's frighteningly imposing execution - it will take some time before anyone could even think of competing with him in this industry. He will stay unrivaled for a long time, it seems. *sighs in admiration*

Right. One can't have everything in life. Bang-won deals with this painful notion more than anyone in the Six Flying Dragons universe. His losses are great as his gains are greater. But none of the losses were as impactful as losing the following people. His difficult quest for power costs him three companions whom he had truly loved - Yong-gyu whose unquestioning loyalty was one of the retainers of Bang-won's sanity - died defending his secret; Boon-yi whose poetic personality stole Bang-won's heart from the beginning - left his side to protect her people, and Moo-hyul who looks up to him and his capabilities to make people smile - walked away as the last bit of the Lee Bang-won he decided to follow to the gates of hell died out with the murder of Sambong. We see Bang-won becoming lonelier with their departures, but he was not weakened. In fact, he overcompensates the losses by hardening his heart even more. They were difficult people, he said. They didn't directly go against him, nor did they stay within his reach, close enough for him to hold on to - for someone who only deals in black and white, comprehending this was a real struggle, emotionally taxing even. A younger Bang-won would have done anything to make them stay, he would have made promises and even kept them just so they won't leave. But that Lee Bang-won was long gone, he wasn't coming back and so the best, and the only thing left to do was to let them go. So, let them go he did.

I would love to sincerely thank the writers for the valiant choice Bang-won made with regards to both Boon-yi and Moo-hyul - it is in that exact stance of letting them leave, setting them free to live their lives as they wish that we get to see his enormous (though hidden) capacity to love, amidst the overwhelming regality he now projects. And that, in its truest essence of the phrase - is exceptional writing. For someone who has lost significant favours along his journey to the throne due to his reckless though objective actions, this side of him is refreshing to watch, although it wasn't easy. The last few episodes were difficult to get through, by this time I've gotten too attached to everyone and everything that makes Six Flying Dragons what it is. Watching how Bang-won's dreams soared and wrecked and rebuilt - you can't help but get a little too emotional as the series draws to a close. Back then I used to wonder if I could say goodbye to the show when the time comes. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. 'But we'll cross the bridge when we come to it, OK?' said someone I know.

From the perspective of the show, though, I felt that Lee Bang-won's doom to his dark path was predetermined, because Sambong was stubbornly uncompromising in his philosophy and belief; because he insisted that royal family members should not be allowed to be involved in politics - that was the reason he ended up colliding with Bang-won every single time, which is frustratingly ironic since their political ideologies were almost identical. And this kept going on for quite some time even when everyone else around them were already acknowledging Lee Bang-won as the most ideal successor to Sambong's vision of Joseon (who else could it be, jinjja?), to the point that nothing else could come out of the rivalry except death on either side, or one of them withdrawing from the game. We know Bang-won would first take his own life before taking that option into consideration. Which leaves us with Sambong and his inflexibility - and ultimately, his glimpse into the fallibility of human nature became the catalyst that set Bang-won's insurgency in motion. There was no turning back. And so when he said, 'Bang-won-ah, I'm exhausted,' with a weary smile on his face, I sobbed once more (I've actually lost count of the times this show made me cry). Kim Myung Min-sshi, you're awesome.

It will forever be a wonder how different things would have been if Sambong had more trust in the inherent goodness that I believe must have resided within the young and righteous Lee Bang-won; and offered the guidance he was craving instead of telling him outright that he has no place in the political landscape of the new country just because he was hasty and immature. From where I am standing, that was unfair. Sambong seonsaeng-nim, you know that Lee Bang-won was that one wild card you couldn't factor into your calculations and he worshiped you! With all his heart he believed in your dreams when no one else would. More than anyone else, he truly wanted you to be his teacher - did you not see his face when you allowed him to call you seonsaeng-nim? Of course you didn't! *shaking my fist* Instead of dismissing his brash actions, you could have harnessed his raw talents and mold him into the heir you envisioned. *sigh* But of course we can all be pretty senseless at times, it's human to make terrible decisions and Sambong had his flaws, so. I would say that even though Jung Do-jeon is my number one genius, he was hopelessly incompetent at managing young talents (well most seonsaeng-nims would pull their hair out in clumps when dealing with students like Lee Bang-won). IMHO, things could have taken a different turn if he hadn't completely dismissed Bang-won, but we would never know. Because the only predictable thing about life, is its unpredictability.

Alright. So, that ends my long rant on my third sageuk (my first ones are Sungkyunkwan Scandal and Mirror of the Witch, and I haven't even finished either of them). Initially I wanted this to be a real review, where I talk about the score, Lee Bang-ji VS Gil Tae-mi, the camera works, the setting, Boon-yi's hairpin, Sambong's grave and everything else but it's not to be because of all the Lee Bang-won feels. And saying goodbye was so hard! I was hypothetically fidgeting when the final episode drew closer to the end - like what am I going to do after this? But cushioning the fall was that small scene in the finale, where King Taejong gave Moo-hyul to his wide-eyed, enthusiastic son - and telling Moo-hyul how this young boy is so different from him. 'He's a peculiar one. He is not like me. He is like the people I missed.' *sobs* What the hell are all these Sambong and Boon-yi feels doing here now, OMG? But yes, I think the parting hurts lesser because of the scene, that sparks the beginning of a beautiful king and warrior relationship that would span thirty long years. I'd also like to think that it hurts lesser because of the possible reunion in Deep-rooted Tree. *smiles* 

It's been a long, adventurous journey. I think my brain could be tired. So, for the time being, I'll go back to living. Will let you guys know if I'm starting Tree. Until then, take care everyone. Live well.

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Huu~

If you have actually read up to this point, I have nothing but humble thanks to offer. Who knows when the next post will be coming - the updates will stay irregular until I finish writing my thesis by the end of this year. So, if you're still dropping by and not giving up on me, I love you. You're my Boon-yi if you're a girl. You're my Moo-hyul if you're a guy. Peace out. Later.

Without faith.

No, I would not want to live in a world without dragons, 
as I would not want to live in a world without magic, 
for that is a world without mystery,
and that is a world without faith. 

— R. Salvatore