September 4, 2016
‘Bring back the people who stopped writing in 2009,’ they said. Those words rang in my ears like a revelation. I did sort of stop writing in 2009, what with the migraine-triggering amount of work and kids to deal with - and teaching. But that's really no excuse because writers should write, no matter what. And there's no such thing a writer's block, too, so I'm just gonna apologize. Heh. Hello, peeps.
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It's amusing how these words just fly from my fingers into the screen when I'm not even trying - but when I'm really into working, really focused, really freaking determined; nothing comes. Literally nothing. I don't know if any other writers struggle the way I do but it's been driving me crazy for quite a while now, and I really want to just complete my dissertation and go back to living like a human being. I've been a ghost for too long now, persistently haunting the academic pages I can't even comprehend, visually drinking in the strings of phrases and sentences I can't even try to imitate, drowning myself in the overwhelming walls of texts chronicled by insane amount of dedication and hardwork - I feel like I'm being stretched so thin already; by envy, exhaustion, perplexity and the temptation to give up because I need to be done with this madness. I desperately do.
One sentence into my paper takes a mental century to form and even after the agony it has to be revised and revised because you don't wanna sound cheap when replicating other people's work but at the same time you have to replicate because you simply have no talent to sound smart. It's a lot like trying to sing like Mariah Carey but ending up sounding like Ariana Grande, if you follow me. It's really pathetic from wherever you're standing so I'll forgive you for judging. I mean, even I think that's pathetic - and we're talking about me here. So yeah. I don't know how my paper will end up like but the only choice I actually have is to finish it before the 30th of November so basically, you can consider me dead now. By the time it's over (it has to be, I can't afford anything else but that) I could have aged 15 years ahead. But yeah.
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I wanna return to writing. I want to write like I used to. I just need to finish this 20K-word assignment without going mad.
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My kids are wondering about Kristoff - did he die? Or did Elowyn go back to find him? Will they end up together? Did he marry someone else? *sigh* Maybe I should write about him. I should write a sequel. I guess I wanna know what happened to him, too. He's one of my favourite people. He deserves a conclusion. A good one.
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And I need to complete Aletheia. Nat had been hanging to his last shred of sanity long enough.
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Also, feelings don't die easily, because we keep feeding them with memories.