July 23, 2012

I am not alone. I hope.

A lot of people are going to tell you that everything is going to be OK, right after something bad happens to you. I've been through that and I hate it. Which is why I never told anyone who came to me crying their eyes out that, 'It's gonna be OK.' I never will. Because nobody needs a lie when they have just been hit by a brutal truth.

So you tell them smartasses to go and have sex with themselves because nothing is going to be OK when your heart is broken and the person you are in love with is now in love with someone else. Nothing is ever OK when your nights are spent thinking about what could have gone wrong and how you could have make it right with your realizing that there's really nothing else that you could ever do anyway. Nothing could be OK when you have already believed in the happy ending and it turned out to be something that will never happen. Nothing will be OK when all the beautiful memories that make up your world just crumble to nothingness right under your feet and you start to fall, forever, never crashing and always agonizingly anticipating to. But the fall never comes, so your brain gets damaged more and more as you fall. Until nothing is left in what little you have of your insanity so you're left a rambling lunatic. And nothing, nothing is OK when you're in such a terrible pain that you can't even cry because if you do, you die. Nothing is OK if you're that hurt.

Now don't go telling people who are mentally and emotionally broken that everything is going to be OK. Because it's not true and they don't need that. What they want is just someone who would spend a little time listening to what selfish nonsense they have to say and they'll get back to their feet and move forward, no matter how broken they are. So you be that person. Just sit with them and listen. It's really not a problem if you don't understand a thing they say. Or that you don't have anything nice to respond to them with. They don't even want your comments. In that exact moment, when their world is broken beyond repair, they just want to know that they're not alone, that there are other hearts beating somewhere else. They are not asking to be a part of yours. They just need to feel a presence other than theirs, because they are so used to someone's that when that person is suddenly gone, their life comes to a halt. And that is not something everyone can understand. To suddenly lose the heart that had once upon a time beat with yours, to someone else's? No. Definitely not something just anyone can comprehend.

Someone broke my heart a few days ago. And I think time kind of stopped for me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't have anything smart to say to that person. Somehow I didn't feel like myself anymore. But as long as I am still alive, I believe I will walk out of this. Not unscathed, though. I'm all black and blue and bleeding and I just wanna walk out alive. Pray for me, if you have the time.

I will never be the same again. I will never be the person I used to like. But maybe that's for the best. Because a lot of us don't really like who we are, but we're all still happy, in one way or another so yeah, maybe it's for the best - these changes.

A friend asks if I'm angry at that person, for changing me so much and breaking me into a thousand unrecognizable pieces right after - I said no. I'm not angry. A person who angers you is given power to control you, and to inflict more damage onto you. So, no. I give nobody such power. And anger is something only uncool people feel. I don't deal with cheap emotions like that. I am cool. You know I am.

So this is me, writing just fragments of what sap I really feel because right now I am just not good at handling extreme emotions. Just pieces of here and there and what and when and how. And I know a lot of you might think you know what I'm talking about, but I can promise you this - you don't. You can guess if you like, though. We'll still be friends.

*takes a deep breath*

I'll be around more often now that the Chamber of Secrets is only half open. Hope to talk to you guys, soon.

Later, everyone.

And try not to break hearts.

9 scribbleback (s):

Nurdyana said...

Just keep moving.
You'll walk out of that pain.

..and of course you are not alone.

Anonymous said...

This nice anon wishes you a good day and thinks if someone breaks your heart, THE Lady Nani's heart, he is at loss and missing out on your awesomeness. Fret not my lady, you are never alone in feeling such things.

Ayaq said...

Yooooou are notttt aloooone *nyanyi lagu Michael Jackson*

Keep swimming, kak Nani!

Nani Othman said...

thanks. i am walking. =)

you are nice. and slightly suspicious, for i know only of two people in this whole wide world who would call me lady nani..and i dont think you are either of them. but thanks. hehe. i'll bounce back to life.

hehe. i will!

Jiyuu said...

Hmm...I tend to disagree on the whole 'Everything will be OK' part. Maybe we've just had different experiences, but I think that when a person is broken and hurting, they need to be told that even though the pain seems unbearable now, eventually it will go away and things will be OK again. As OK as OK will ever be. When a person is drowning in pessimism and despair, they need someone to throw a line of optimism.

Then again, maybe putting it as bluntly as 'Everything will be OK' is a bit tactless. Different strokes for different blokes, I guess.

But you know, I'm a firm believer of 'What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger'. Not that we should go looking for pain, though. But every experience has its lesson -- especially the painful ones.

I think I'm being too practical in my explanation, though. Having your heart broken sucks. It sucks terribly. And it will take time to heal. There will be times when you think that you will never regain the capacity to love or trust ever again. But having gone through that, I can tell you firsthand that it won't last forever. You will heal. And you will love again. Hold on to that knowledge and don't despair. Everything will be OK.

Cheers, Nani.

Nani Othman said...

thanks for the comment. =) very enlightening. but i'm a believer of 'what doesn't kill you, kills others'. so i always make sure that the person who causes me trouble (that doesn't kill me) will be in trouble right after i get back to my feet.

i'm speaking for a lot of people here. one friend of mine whose dad died when she was 17, snapped at a makcik when she was told 'sabar dik. semua ni ada hikmahnya.' it might be true, but that girl had just lost a dad - she is in no state to listen about what good things are gonna come out of her father's death. which is one of the reasons for this post.

of course, kita semua tahu yg bila kita diuji tu maksudnya Allah sayang kita dan dia nak bagi ganjaran bila kita lulus ujian - but knowing that and being in a situation where you are tested is not the same. it's just not the same. time is needed for these kind of people to recover. and a lot of them are not ready for optimism RIGHT after their misfortune. they just wanna mourn a bit. and then they'll be OK. at least that's what i've been observing.

but yeah. in the end, things will be OK. because if they're not ok, it's not yet the end. kan? hehe.

Jiyuu said...

Ah, yeah. I see your point there. Mourn first, optimism later.

Does that mean you're still in the post-heartache mourning stage? If so, I'm sorry if I prematurely offered optimism to you...

Hmm..I think I must review my opinion then. When you're sad and heartbroken, you're probably not in the mood to hear cliches like 'everything is gonna be OK' or 'semua ni ada hikmahnya'. So I guess concluding that giving grievers a glimpse of optimism to prevent them from drowning in pessimism depends on a few things

1. The time (Post-mourning)
2. The person (usually only close friends and close family have the right to offer cliches)
3. The mourner (maybe you shouldn't offer optimism at all. maybe they can find it on their own faster)

Now I am reminded why I enjoy the internet. Thanks for provoking Brain =)

Wastrabejjak said...

"..breaking me into a thousand unrecognizable pieces right after."

Thinking it positively..
OMG!! Hocruxes!! You can become immortal!!

Nani Othman said...

hey its ok. =) i'm over it. and i'm a lot happier than before the breaking of the heart. ngehehe. and yeah, i kind of find my old self rather quickly, too. i'm more optimistic. i feel free. i feel like i'm given a second chance at being meaningful (whatever the hell that means). i'm stronger. i'm meaner. and again, a lot happier. you're welcome..haha, although i dont think i have done much!

you have a very interesting name, =) and yes. thanks for pointing that out! i am now feeling so much more alive, thanks to you. i mean this: you're awesome. come again.

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