I get to be my craziest self when I'm with her without worrying of being judged. I get to talk immense nonsense without having to hide anything. I get to love her all I want without caring if she loves me the same way. I can stop making sense and she would never question my sanity. I get to say stuff I don't dare to say to others (yes, readers, there ARE people I can't just say things to, happy?). And probably the best thing about being with her is that I don't have to behave myself at all. Yeah. I don't have to fulfill anyone's expectations. I get to be selfishly me. Which is something I rarely get to be these days.
I practically trust her with everything, including some secrets I usually share only with my sister. Right. Earlier today, I did spill something right into her lap because I could no longer take the stress. So the third thing about Asmahani is that she doesn't have to say much about anything to make me see sense, even when I hadn't actually spilled every last drop of my problems. I could say she saw right through me. Right through everything I said and told me something no one ever had the nerve to -
That was all it took and everything just falls into place. Maybe I'd been way off the track by letting my heart make all the decisions that are - amazingly I must say - stupid beyond my massive abilities to comprehend stupidity. And that's like despite the fact that I'm a considerably smart person, almost as smart as my overachieving mother. So I guess telling people to use their brains before acting is so much easier than actually doing it. I wasn't using my brain. That much insanity is not forgiveable, I know. I almost got myself into trouble for letting my heart do most of the thinking.
The moment I read that was the moment I realized how much I'd been missing her all this time. I miss her wisdom. I miss feeling young and clueless around her. I miss having her say one simple thing and clear up one whole mess. I miss having her save my retarded ass everytime I jump off a hypothetical bridge. I miss having a best friend so close to me I could just walk straight into hell because I know she'd bring me back. Because she always did. And she always will.
She made me realize something else, too. You don't just stop loving a person. You either never did. Or you always will. And that's something you don't learn from just anyone.
For nearly a month, I was lost. I couldn't find a way out of the mess I didn't start. I didn't know who to turn to. I didn't know what to do. Then Hani happened all over again. And my wings are no longer broken. I'm soaring right now. Just the way I used to be.
For this, I have only God to thank. Alhamdulillah for the person named Asmahani Asmat. I love you to pieces, best friend. I hope we'll last forever.