2014 has been fairly nice.

Third month on the current year and I haven't actually written anything of value. Life has been really possessive of me lately, and there isn't much I would do about it even if there is anything I could do about it. But it has been a good kind of possessiveness. I have so many things to do, with not that much time - and that's great because it reminds me that I have a job. That I am blessed in that sense. There are people out there who have to scour for food an entire day only to go to bed hungry anyway. So yeah, it's great to have things to do all the time, it's great to have a job. It's great to get paid for doing something you love. Alhamdulillah for that.

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This is my first entry for the year. Nothing impressive. I'm just trying to get back to writing. It's been awful, you know - not writing. So here I am, trying to rehab myself into blogging. Rehab. That's just how bad it is. I'm a teacher. I don't get to properly assist and motivate my students in their writing if I don't write. I'd be talking crap (like some teachers I know) if the kids come and see me about their essays if I'm no writer myself - and I'm not even risking that, no. So yeah. I'm renurturing the habit. Not a bed of roses but I don't really have a choice. If I don't write, my kids are gonna suck. So basically.

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I've encountered some really very disgusting people in these few months. People who hate on school kids (crappy teachers), people who hate on other people's success (terrible people with no life), people who criticize everyone and everything and claim that nobody accepts them for who they are (friendless betches), people who hate happy people (bitter betches) and also people who turn down advices because they hate everything and everyone (pathetic idiots). And these people actually helped me see myself in a different light. I promise to You, Allah, that unless I must choose the other for the sake of people I care about (and I hope I'd never have to) - I will always choose good. Yeah. So solemn OK.

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CS Lewis said something about how a woman's heart should be so close to God that a man has to chase Him in order to find her and I think that's just brilliant. It's basically 'a good man will end up with a good woman' presented in a prettier string of words. So yay CS Lewis, but let's not be close to God JUST to get guys - prioritize, people. Prioritize. There are more important things.

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And it's really not nice, seeing your dark side. I can't unsee it, nor can I do anything about it.

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It's lunchbreak. I need to go back to my notes now. Statistical Analysis is a freaking demon.

Struggling with:

ASSIGNMENTS - CASE STUDY, ARTICLE REVIEW, PORTFOLIO, RESEARCH PROPOSAL, LESSON PLAN REFLECTION, ACADEMIC WRITING IN RESPONSE TO THE SAID LESSON - the hell am I doing with my life I can't even begin to comprehend this - why are there so many things to do!?

TIME MANAGEMENT - SO MANY THINGS TO DO, SO LITTLE TIME. No. So little skill of managing time's more like it.

SKANKY-ASS INTERNET CONNECTION.

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I miss writing so much. The only writing I'm doing now is academic and it's pressuring me (because I don't have enough capacity for academic reading digestion). I just wanna get everything done and go back to free writing to heal the damage in my brain (caused by some sick-ass sickos). Ugh.

And I plan to go to the BBW 2013 on the 14th. Plan, OK, I plan.

I just miss shopping so much.

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I've finished The Orphan Choir and The Gingerbread House - both on the same day (thankful Alhamdulillah my reading speed isn't yet fucked after all the marking I'd been doing all year). The Orphan Choir was a waste of my four hour-reading time, nothing scary - just a load of - you know what? I'm not gonna do this. It's in the past. So, stop. The Gingerbread House, however was pretty good. 3.5 stars from me to the author for keeping me in the seat until I reached the last page. I might buy more titles from her in the future.

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I'm going back to my assignments. Later.

Nani yang satu dalam tujuh billion.

Doesn't take a freaking genius to realize that I've been rather non-existent lately. You guys can see for yourself - the dustiness of the blog and the tone that had been emitting through the posts for several months back. I don't even like how I sounded - confused and self-destructive. So I have officially returned to my true self - bookwormish and attention-seeking. Now I can hope to stay sane for a few more centuries.

Right, let's just talk about what I have been up to. In a few words - I've been enveloped in school. In more, I've been teaching, constructing exam questions, marking exam papers, grading, dealing with modern day teenagers who think they own the world just because their parents bought them smartphones, talking to modern day parents who don't really do parenting - just rearing, really, reading whatever junk reading materials I could get my hands on just to keep my sanity, re-watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy, reading my students' stories and writing comments and honest encouragements at the bottom, listening to Chrissy Costanza's covers, struggling to inspire the kids to read and write, re-discovering myself and the reasons I took up teaching, tweeting craps just to ease the cramps in my knuckles (I have been meaning to write - I just couldn't find the time to actually do it), stalking my favourite authors' timelines, obsessing over Lockwood & Co. and avidly reading the dictionaries (both Oxford and Cambridge) whenever I have time to spare.

You: Hold the entire clusterf*ck of the world's major f*ckeries up - reading the dictionary? You ran out of books that soon, Nani?

I know, right? God. It's OK if you think I'm losing it. Because I think so, too. I think I am. My vocabulary had stayed in its sad little size for years without much effort on my side to have it expanded and to actually have the realization shoved down my unwilling throat with an Oxford proficiency test was the kind of nightmare I hope nobody would ever have to endure. I wasn't even asleep when it happened - I just slipped into the ancient crack of English Vocab Mount Doom with my Smeagol of ignorance and the one Ring of self-worth. Now everything's gone.

Well, not really.

The fact that I am lacking in vocabulary skills is not new - the people closest to me know that well. Especially my mother. She knows how I often struggle with word choice and sometimes syntax, too - I have been struggling since my childhood, which is something many people find hard to believe 'judging from the way I write'. Now these people judge really, really badly and I won't apologize for saying so.

Let me shed a little light on that bizarrely common misconception - Nani Othman writes good English. I don't. And that's a fact. I do not write good English - I pen brutal honesty when it's expected of me and the rest of the time I just scrawl plain honesty. Not good English. Not yet. Just honesty - because that's one of the few good things about me that I'm actually proud to wear on my sleeve. And that's one of the few things I do well in life - being honest. So, no.

OK now that it's clarified, we can go back to my sob story of my tiny-ass word bank. My good friend suggests that I start poetry and that's a great idea. I have gotten myself a book to doodle and scribble my budding poetic thoughts in. The progress is infinitesimal, nothing significant but it's there. That's all that matters.

And I'd be ever so grateful if any of you who are still haunting my blog would offer me more suggestions - because I need all the help I can get. A language teacher with a limited vocab is unheard of and I do not plan to establish myself as one, so yeah, please.

Hit my comment box below, tweet me or just write your thoughts to me here: azhanee.othman [at] yahoo.com - I always write back, I swear. So, really, help me.

I'll stop here for now. I need to retire to my bed - tomorrow's coming in a few hours and I haven't ironed my cotton baju kurung. Will write more later, I promise.

Good night, people. Dream sweet.