NaniScribbles!

You need to get slapped.

2012-01-17T11:10:00.000+08:00

Kalau malang kau kena berkongsi hidup dengan jantan boros, jangan assume semua orang dalam dunia akan ditimpa neraka macam kau. Cara kau bagi pesan (yang menyakitkan hati tu) macamlah kau tahu nasib semua orang nantinya serupa macam kau. Kalau bodoh kau buat keputusan derhaka kat mak bapak kau; kawin kerana cinta tak ada restu parents tak apa, jangan assume semua perempuan pun sama bodoh macam kau. Some really lucky people are more than happy to be anak yang taat. Yang tu kau kena ingat.

* * *

Apa aku buat dengan rezeki aku, dengan siapa aku berkongsi rezeki aku, itu urusan aku dengan Allah SWT. Kerja Dia tu sebenarnya ya, mengira baik buruk aku, bukan kerja kau nak soal ini itu. Sangat annoying macam nak belasah saja bila kau cuba tunjuk pandai. Kau urus anak tunggal kau yang hati batu tu dulu sebelum kau banyak bunyi pasal anak orang. Kau rasa kau baik segala sebab kau tak minum arak, berjudi - tapi kau lupa yang syurga neraka tu bukan kau punya. Siapa masuk dulu ikut pintu mana pun bukan kau yang tentukan. Besar kepala pulak kau kan?

* * *

Aku rasa some people live really sad lives sampai jadi kemaruk bercakap pasal life orang lain. Sebab life sendiri dah macam apa benda entah sangat miserable dan meaningless maka masa sikit-sikit yang ada tu digunakan untuk cari masalah dengan orang lain. Jiwa kau sakit sangat dah tengok orang lain bahagia? Bukan salah mereka tau, kalau dalam hidup kau tak ada yang menggembirakan. Bukan salah mereka juga kalau mereka jadi disgusted setiap kali nampak kau.

* * *

Aku sangat sibuk sejak sekolah dibuka. Aku juga makin cepat annoyed dengan manusia-manusia sekeliling. Aku belum sempat jadi diri sendiri yang kamu semua kenal. Nanti aku transform. Nanti aku update pada semua. Terima kasih sebab tunggu aku.

Rueing.

2012-01-06T21:40:00.000+08:00

I think it was ten years ago when I first heard the saying, 'We never know what we got till it's gone.' I don't think that's the case though. I think we do know what we got. We just never thought we'd lose it.

Random Fiction 1 - Blue Inferno

2011-12-19T15:42:00.000+08:00

When I opened my eyes at that exact cursed moment, I realized that I was in the deepest mess I could ever gotten myself into, and you better believe that trouble and I have been the best of pals since time began, whenever that was. The best of pals. We're so attached to each other in a sense that none of you could ever understand, but if you keep on reading, maybe I could help you figure it out although I can't guarantee that you'd understand everything.

Trouble and I. It hadn't been a week since I last broke someone's neck and crippled at least a dozen others just to survive. And now here I was, tied to a chair in a stuffy, dim room and starving. My throat was dry, my lips were chapped. I was extremely thirsty. My surrounding was so foreign and I was tired. Really tired.

My name is Classic Santorelli - that's what I'll be referring to myself from now on. My real name is really none of your business because you might even become the next target just because you have that particular knowledge. A target of what, really? Or who, exactly? I'll get to that eventually, and I can promise you a surprise like no other. So Classic it is, it should be enough for now, and I couldn't remember how I ended here.

The last thing I could recall was slamming a sword against someone's body and shattering every bone that made up his ribcage, a horrifying scream that would haunt you normal people's sleeps for years; and blood. Lots of blood. Enough to paint your nightmares in an agonizing red for a century. If you'd be lucky enough to live that long. Although I wouldn't say that it would be much of a luck being able to live a long life.

There wasn't a warning of a terrible shock that might rupture every bit of my paper thin remaining sanity to nothing before the door to the room was opened from the outside. A figure, a man to be exact, took slow but arrogant steps towards me.

There was a sudden change in the atmosphere. An inconceivably unpleasant shift of ambience. It was suddenly humid, my breaths became desperate and unsteady and I sensed insane malevolence in the air, clear as the page you're now reading. I could hear my heart pounding in my chest and believe me it is never a good sign to be able to listen to your own heart overworking. And it is also never a good sign if all the threatening features of your surrounding began to feel familiar. Like you had once went through the same fear; if that's what it was, and miraculously survived and managed to block the experience from flooding your head because it would drive you out of your mind. Because the fear was beyond anything you had ever felt. It was beyond anything anyone as sane as you or I had ever encountered. Now this fear, my friend - was something I know even better than I know the back of my own hand. Because it was almost as old as I am.

'Classic,' the man began. His voice had an inhuman, dangerously hypnotic quality to it. Like he could have told you to puncture your own wrist a dozen times with a pen to bleed yourself to death and you'd do it without hesitating. He sounded ancient. Familiarly ancient. And that sent my fear up to the very limit my mind could take. A hair's breadth higher then I'd be certifiable beyond cure.

He was standing in front of me, facing my pathetic self. There was a slight hint of amusement in his voice. He was, how should I say this, pleased, to see me like this. But somehow I got the feeling that whatever state I was in didn't really matter. He was more amused of the fact that I was there, where he could see me. But that couldn't be possible. Or could it?

I struggled to look up. To face him. This person I believed to been have wiped out of the face of the earth by my own hands a long time ago.

What I saw, or who - to be exact, almost made me jump out of my skin. But a part of me already expected the thunderbolt so my sanity was spared. Still, it was hard to believe. Yet, I showed no sign of surprise. My face remained tired, slightly expressionless.

'Ah, you disappointed me. Shouldn't this be a pleasant surprise for you?' He reached out and brushed my bang aside, and touched the side of my face. 'It has really been a while, hasn't it, Classic?'

My eyes met his, and I held his gaze for a while. They were blue. A strange blue that made them look like sapphires reflecting the wild fires of a volcano. You're right. There was a slight, curious red in them. The last time I saw them, they didn't have such feature, and I'd been staring into them for centuries. There used to be so much affection there, that could bring anyone, not matter how evil, to love him. I had loved him, once upon a time. Fiercely. But things happened; inevitable things, fate got out of hands, and I was forced to end his life for the good of the world. I murdered him. At least that's what I thought really happened.

Now we were looking at each other. If I'm a normal human being like you, I would have gone hysterical. But I've seen so much in my long life it's really hard to be surprised anymore. At anything. But I have to say that his standing here, talking to me, could have driven me insane had I not reminded myself of the many ways this rendezvous could be made possible.

'Let's get down to business,' he said with a cold smile, as he took another chair in the room and sat facing me. 'Explanation can come later,' he added. There was a brief silence, then a chuckle. I didn't say anything, and gave him a sneering stare. 'I'd like to make an offer. You'll join me and together we'll reduce the world's population by half. We'll eliminate those with fatal diseases and those who aren't interested in knowledge - of any kind, people who don't like to learn. Then we'll remove the power-hungry bastards with money and their supporters, leaving behind people who are of goodwill, intelligence and perfect health.' Silence. 'This could be a perfect world, Classic. And our people can fill the other half.' A smile.

He hadn't changed. Not even a bit. He was still the deranged mass-murderer I was made to kill. Now even more diabolical than before.

I couldn't find anything to say. His idea was beyond all evil I had ever came across - I mean, who could be so malignant to want to murder that many people and live? Half of the world's population? And here I thought I've seen and heard everything the world has to offer.

He waited with a smile. And when I said nothing in response, he laughed. 'Come on, seriously, even you have to agree that this is by far the best suggestion you've ever heard! For humanity! We could re-live the life we had before. Even better -

'What good can come out of murder, Mephistof?'

He was silenced at my mention of his name. But it wasn't long before he proceeded, 'Seven thousand years ago can repeat itself, Classic. You and me, we can make it happen.'

I looked him and wondered how much more damaged could he be inside, to be this evil. To desire something so much that it wasn't a big deal if he had to destroy half of the world for it.

'Take my offer and I'll let you live. I'll let you love me again, even more fiercely than you ever did. You know I can do that.'

I couldn't believe my ears. He even thought that highly of himself now.

'Say yes, Classic.'

Silence. Then I said it, the words that turned my already grotesque situation into something worst. 'Go to hell.'

At this he laughed derisively, as if I had said the most ridiculous thing ever. Well, maybe I had. Because he stopped laughing all of a sudden.

He stood from his chair and approached me. Gently, he lifted my chin so that I'd be staring right at him. 'Why Classic,' he started. In his voice was an eerily strange tone of playfulness that made me shiver. He leaned closer to whisper in my ear, something that then annihilated the faintest light of hope I had for the world. 'I'd just got back from there.'

After ten years.

2011-12-14T23:00:00.000+08:00

I am now rereading Christopher Pike's the Last Vampire series (now called Thirst 1, 2, 3 and 4). I was 16 when I first encountered the mad magic of his professional yet youthful wordplay. I was the only one in school the kakak library would lend to more than four books at one time. I was crazy in love with Christopher Pike and I managed to finish almost every title by him in the school library. Then I left school for UiTM. Some years went by and I began to choose the people I read. I forgot about Mr Pike for a while. At one point I even thought that my teenage obsession towards his books existed because I was a teenager and I hadn't read that many authors yet. That was insolence no matter the angle you try to look at it. Reading his books literally reformed and refined my writing skills, although what most of you may have read in this blog are just average posts written in average English - believe me, I was so much worst. So yeah. Insolence indeed.

Ten years have gone. The Last Vampire now has 8 major chapters bound in four volumes. I now own all eight and have started rereading the series yesterday. My progress? 5 books in two days. Not that impressive, really - one book has at most only 200 pages. Now I'm starting book six - Creatures of Forever. The crazy thing about this whole matter is the fact that after ten years, Mr Pike still amazes me with his lovable characters, his stories and the unpredictabilities of the plots. He amazes me with everything he does. Every single thing. And if it's possible to marry a writing style, I'd marry his. Haha.

I don't know how he looks like. Wiki says he has very few interviews due to his highly private life. But I really hope to one day meet him. To personally tell him what wonderful things reading his books has done to me and how much being able to understand English means to me because I could enjoy his writings. His language is simple, but the depths of his stories go way beyond the dark of your thoughts and that's what I like best about his books. How he could make me feel deep emotions with non-complicated strings of words. Not many writers do that that well, I can say that for certain.

You'll find titles with vampires in them spilling off the shelves in bookstores. Take my advice, choose his. Read all eight of the Thirst. And try Twilight or Darren Shan after that. Because the Last Vampire began in 1994, long before the Cullens and Shan began and Sita is a 5000-year-old wonder with a beating heart. Or you can try something older from Anne Rice - the Vampire Chronicles which I read when I was 13. Because Interview with the Vampire was published in 1976 and Lestat does not sparkle in the sun like a gaytard emotional undead. Pft.

I'm trying to collect Mr Pike's books now, starting with the Thirsts. They're some of the things that made my teenage years a part of my life I'd always miss. I miss the innocence that I was when I first read him. I'd do a lot of crazy things to feel like that again. Because growing up reading is something I'd very much love to relive, over and over again.

If any of you or some people you know own his books and are thinking of selling them, I'd love to be the first to know. I'd be thankful and we'd be friends. That I promise.

Now, how have all of you been in my absence?

Aku ada alahan kat lagu Nicki Minaj. Kau nak buat apa?

2011-12-09T18:51:00.001+08:00

'Aku tak layan lagu Korea ngan Jepun ni, bukan aku paham pon. Kau dengar JPOP dengan KPOP ni, kau paham ke ape diorang nyanyi? Aku layan English je.'

Ya lah tu kan. English la sangat. Kalau tak tengok lirik, tak cari translation, kau pun tak faham Lady Gaga tengah maki bapak mertua siapa. Meluat aku dengan makhluk macam ni. Dah engkau tak minat, tak nak layan, kau pergi buang masa buat rugi kapasiti otak kau duk risau pasal level kefahaman aku kat dua-dua bahasa asing ni buat apa? Macam aneh gila kot. OK so memang Hangeul bukan third language aku, tapi siapa yang decide bahawa aku cuma boleh dengar lagu dalam bahasa yang aku faham saja? Aku dengar sebab aku suka the music and the sound of the language. Why does it matter to YOU whether or not I understand what they're singing? Why does it bother you that I'm listening to a language I can't comprehend? Why does it hurt you that I can enjoy things I can't understand?

Kau faham Bahasa Melayu kan? Tapi kau sumpah-seranah siap downgrade menghina lagu-lagu Melayu dengan artisnya sekali kan? Aku tak defend siapa-siapa, aku cuma hairan apa masalahnya dengan some people yang tak boleh accept bahawa ada sekumpulan manusia kat Malaysia ni yang suka dengar benda-benda yang mereka tak faham. Aku tak faham Hangeul, tapi aku dengar KPOP, why is that a problem? Aku tak faham Nihongo, tapi aku suka JPOP, why is that a problem? Aku sangat faham English, tapi aku allergic gila kat lagu-lagu Nicki Minaj, jadi kau nak bakar rumah aku kah pulak?

* * *

'Aku tak berkenan lah artis-artis JPOP dan KPOP ni semua. Pakai singkat nak mampos cam pelacur je. Yang laki nye pulak sibuk jual muka jambu, cam bapok je.'

Yang ini lagi aku hairan. Tak ada siapa suruh kau berkenan pun. Mereka pun tak berkenan kat kau. Sebab kau tak hensem langsung, haha. Yang pakai labuh tak macam pelacur tu Muslimah beriman, bro. Kau tengok SNSD yang kau sendiri tahu tak Islam, pastu kau expect mereka dressing sopan buat apa? Reasoning skill kau mana? Dan jual muka jambu lebih baik dari tak ada apa yang nak dijual. Jambu-jambu pun ada orang sayang, ada orang peduli, siap beli album lagi buat kayakan mereka. Kau? Belum tentu ada muka yang worth it untuk ditengok pun kalau bahasa kau guna macam tu punya gaya. Heh. Oh ya, kalau bab menjual muka mereka jambu tu jadi masalah, kau nak blame siapa sebenarnya? Nak salahkan mereka yang menayang muka atau Tuhan yang menciptakan muka mereka semacam itu? Hoho. Kadang-kadang mulut kau jadi cepat tak tentu pasal bila kau cemburu. Aku faham itu.

* * *

'Aduh, KPOP lagi. Naik benci dah aku. Amende yang best sangat dengan KPOP ni?'

Dah kau taktau apa yang best, macam mana kau boleh benci? Haha. Memanglah nak benci nak suka tu pilihan kau, tapi biarlah ada reason yang kau sendiri boleh faham. Ini orang nak anti, kau pun nak anti, tapi tak ketahuan pun puncanya. Kotlah mereka pernah mengorat kau lepas tu tak jadi kawen, belasah adik kau sebab tak mandi, guna iPad mak kau lepas tu tak pulangkan, aku fahamlah kau nak benci. Sekarang ni mereka dressing tak Islamik sebab mereka tak Islam dan menayang muka sebab orang-orang macam aku suka tengok (buat motivasi nak flawless-kan muka sendiri), jadi kenapa orang macam kau boleh jadi benci tak ada pasal? Haha. Tu lah, nak hating nak liking apa-apa pun dalam dunia ni, jangan ikut orang. Sudahnya kau keluarkan statement bijak pandai macam tu lah tiba-tiba. Menyampah for no reason. Malang betul jadi kau kan?

Kau tahu? Hating itu sebenarnya a confused form of liking. You tell everyone you hate them, but you keep yourself updated with their news just to keep telling people how much you hate them. LOL, the opposite of like or love is not hate, pal. It's neglect. So if you don't like them, don't bother about them. Bukannya ambil tahu dari hujung dunia sana sampai hujung dunia sini artis mana tidur dengan siapa. Itu dah obsessed dah tu. Lagi obsessed dari peminat mereka pulak kau kan? Hehe.

*senyum-senyum* Ini bukan post sakit punggung (butthurt). Ini post panas hati. By the way, this is SHINee. They have jambu faces. And they make big money; with or without them - because they have talents. Very unlike some very unlucky people. LOL. Later, everyone.

Bitch; Me.

2011-11-28T18:22:00.004+08:00

It was a quiet day in my favorite cafe, and I was sitting serenely by the window. The sky was a friendly gray with delicate puffs of whites here and there in its vastness. The air was cool. And everything else was perfect. Well, almost. There was a cup of jasmine tea on my table, a pink notebook next to it, and an open book on my lap. Across from me were the last two people I wished to see on earth. One of them was angry. The other was trying not to cry. This could be one of those days.

'You'll apologize to Syahda for that,' said Khalif. He was suppressing his anger plus I-don't-know-what as he looked at me. He was now standing, mad and all protective. Like she needed him to be. How sweet - Not! Honestly, I couldn't even put my finger on it; the thing that made him seem such an awesome person just two years ago. I must have been dumb back then. No, really. I must have been.

His fiancée; Syahda, his drop dead gorgeous, soft-spoken fiancée was now on the verge of tears because I had just called her stupid for telling me what a gentleman Khalif was. Man, I really needed to control myself. One of these days I was going to get myself sniped or something. For being too honest. And with that, a pain in practically everyone's ass. I mean, yeah he was the cursed moronic d*ckhead from I-don't-wanna-know-where, but I didn't have to tell the whole world that he was, right? Wrong. The world deserves to know what kind of people are walking it. So that these air and space-consuming, good-for-nothing, intolerably annoying - you know what, I'm not even going to finish that. And I guess I really needed some self-control. So here's how it went.

'No, I won't,' I replied, and returned his angry (yeah, right) stare with a successfully made up confused expression. 'I don't see why I should.' And that definitely did it. You should have seen how he hilariously fumed and how she dramatically sobbed. It would have made a perfect scene in a Nur Kasih episode. There was the supposed-to-be-angelic girl sobbing behind the supposed-to-be-heroic-guy as he demanded an apology from the incredibly smart, villainous bossy bitch from hell. Told you. It would have been perfect. Because the bossy bitch from hell was me. Bitch; Bibliophile In Total Control of Herself: Me.

He tried a forced calm look. No success. Seriously, why did he have to fake everything? It wasn't like I didn't know who he was. And she was still sobbing. Now pitifully wiping her tears as she was. Good one, girl. That would definitely boost his ego. God knows how guys like him are desperate to be the ones to heal wounds, to make a girl stop crying, to be the savior of hearts. God knows too, how much they intentionally hurt people and pretended to not realize that they did, and how low they'd bring themselves down for their ego. Sad? Wait until you really meet one. They're everywhere, I can promise you that.

He sat back down slowly. 'I'm not here to fight,' he began, after a few seconds of fake self-calming session. No, I wasn't being judgmental. That's just how he was. Fake.

'Then leave,' I said as I returned my focus to the book in my lap. That should send his temperature way over the boiling point already. The Girl Who Could Fly, by Victoria Forester, if you're wondering. This is one awesome book. One of the best on my shelf. And my shelf is not small.

'Khalif, it's OK,' she whispered. Loud enough to make me laugh. But I didn't. Self-control, Nina. Self-control.

He wouldn't budge. Not even with her soft, dainty fingers on his arm and the gentle pull on his sleeve. 'No, Syahda. She has no right -

'It's OK. I'm alright,' she insisted, and wiped another tear, and sobbed some more. Man, she really was good. Then she took that one glance not many would dare to take, at me, and said, 'It's from Khalif's parents. They'd love to see you there, on that day. Auntie Sally said you're a striking resemblance of your late mother. She misses her, a lot.' She placed a heavily-scented beige envelope on the desk, next to my notebook. Then the long-awaited intended remark came through. Smoothly. 'Khalif never talked about you, Nina. Now I know why.' She wiped another tear. Jeez.

I looked up from my book and replied, 'No, you don't. Don't get smart with me, Chada, or whatever your name is. He never talked about me because - why, he just had nothing to say.' I blinked twice and smiled.

She returned my smile with a sweeter one because she could. She was so pretty and I was so plain. I'm still plain. 'Maybe he had nothing good to say about you, Nina.' Ah, I didn't realize that we were going that way. Fine. Two or more could play your game, Chada.

'Could be. There's nothing good about me, I hope you'd noticed that by now. Just everything awesome,' I said, shrugging. 'And he has zero ability to digest awesomeness,' I added, slightly playfully. With another smile. This time it was an honest one. Of course he had no such ability. Why would he end up with a good girl and not an awesome one if he had it?

Khalif was looking at both of us in disbelief. Speechless? You bet. His fiancée wasn't such a goody-two-shoes now it seemed. You know, if there was a thing Khalif really hated about me, it's how people seem to just walk out of their social shell on their initial encounters with me. Syahda was doing exactly that. And you guys should really have seen the look on his face. Good as dead, heh.

She shook her head and frowned. Genuine. 'You're childish. And so full of yourself! And you had the guts to call other people names? This behavior of yours, this thinking so highly of yourself isn't taking you anywhere I hope you realize that by now. You even lost a friend because of it,' she said, emotions threatening to spill from her eyes in forms of more tears - God, what the heck was this anyway? I was just trying to read here!

'I didn't lose anyone, Chada. I walked away-lah. I left because he's stupid, and you don't know how much I hate stupid.' Face, expressionless - checked. Voice, innocent - checked. Score? Leading.

'I'll give you a piece of my mind -

'You don't even function correctly with all of the pieces together, Chada. You wanna give a piece to me?' I beamed brightly at her and quietly offered, 'That's suicide.'

'Nina!' Khalif almost shouted and sent his ego to the floor to be stepped on. By me. But he didn't. A few heads were turning towards us. Great. Don't I just love to be ogled at like that?

Now Syahda was fuming. She was so angry she couldn't even shriek a curse. I could see the drying tears on her cheeks evaporating - OK, I lied. But hey, she really was fuming and swallowing God-knows-what cusswords. Not a goody-two-shoes at all anymore, now wasn't she, Khalif?

'You know what, I'm not even going to respond to that,' she said, finally. Suddenly. 'I'm not going to go down to your level.'

'Oh, alright then.' You're boring. And I'd just leveled up, Chada.

'A good woman know her limits, Nina,' she added, with a very hard tone of finality. Ooh, I'm so offended!

'Well an awesome one knows that she has none,' I replied with a brighter smile. The look on her face made me laugh a bit. 'Sorry.' But at least it wasn't a made up one. I really laughed. Very politely, too.

Then they both left. Not very quietly I assure you. Not quietly at all. But they left and I was now alone again, with my book. I looked out the window and saw the sky glowing a more vibrant shade. It was blue now. With more puffs of fluffy whiteness. I smiled at the paramount emotional shift of atmosphere and at my lucky self. And hey, this might really be one of those days.

'I lied, Ig.'

2011-11-28T01:52:00.006+08:00

'I used to really hate people who say things they don't mean. Now I don't, not that much anymore. Because I kinda had to do it too, sometimes. And I don't even feel guilty about it,' said Nina. She looked at me and I knew that she was going to break my heart, but I waited for it anyway. 'I even did it to you.'

'Nina, it's OK,' I said. But God, dear God, it definitely is not.

'You wanna know which was it?' she asked with that honest smile of hers on her face. And the pieces of her broken heart glowed crestfallenly in her tears. That was when I began to hate myself. For the damage I had caused her. For the years of pain she had to endure.

'It's alright, Nina. You don't have to,' I replied. I just didn't wanna know. It was going to hurt me and that was not a problem. But it was going to hurt her more than anything else in the world and I would never forgive myself for the rest of my life. Because the last person on earth I would hurt for no reason would be her. And because that's exactly what I'd been doing to her for God knows how many years.

She was still smiling. 'I want, to, Ig. You deserve the truth.'

I desperately wanted to take her into my arms and save her from the world, be her hero for this once and for always but hey, you and I both know she'd definitely be safer away from me. A lot safer. I didn't want her to go on and hurt herself. I didn't want her to regret anything. But above all I just didn't wanna be the reason for her latest heartbreak. I'd been exactly that for so many times already it was starting to kill me, because she had been such an angel to me and that's the understatement of the century.

'Nina, stop,' I said. 'That's enough.' That surely was. I didn't wanna hear it. I didn't think I could take it. Yes, I am a coward. I hope you're happy reading that.

'I told you I didn't care about Dewi, Torrence, Nevaeh, Thuraya -

'I'll take you home. Come,' I said, halting her attempt to destroy I-don't-know-what. But maybe I was just frightened to the core of my soul of what it was going to be. The fear and the length of the list of girls. Hell, what was I thinking?

'I lied, Ig,' she forced herself to say, and began to really cry. Her voice came out half-whispered, but her tears were streams of fake smiles she had kept frozen within her all these years. Today they were melting. Profusely. And I was the reason. I should be the one wearing the broken pieces of my heart on my face. But I doubt that it would even be half as painful as what she was going through right now.

'Nina, please.' Really. I didn't know know what else to do. I know I had a lot to say about the people who had made her sad before. I'd said some really nasty stuff about them just to see her smile again and those came effortlessly to me because it was easy as hell to bash people who did things to the person you love. It had been easy because the people she was angry at were people I'd never even met; people I knew nothing of. But what if the person who makes her cry is you? How do you even begin to curse yourself without knowing if that would even fix anything?

'I lied.' She was crying. She was crying her heart out, hard. And I began to die inside.

I watched as her small being broke into unrecognizable fragments in front of me, hating myself more and more by each and every second for not having the strength to save her the way she had saved me a million times before, for not being able to bring the smile that had brought life to me when I was dying back to her, for not having the guts to be as honest as she was, for - every single thing I did and every single word I said that had driven her to this. For everything. God. Everything.

Because today I realized that this woman who was breaking in front me, had never shed even one tear in my presence for the past twelve years of our acquaintance while I had been loading onto her small shoulders every chance I got, my fears, my heartbreaks, and all my nonsense! Because she had appeared, no, she had been so strong like she could carry the world on one shoulder and all the ugly things in it on the other. And because I had been so stupid - to not realize that half of the world she was carrying was made of me as half of my world was made of her and we would have been the happiest two people madly in love if I had been just slightly smarter - she was disintegrating beyond repair and I still couldn't find a thing to say to stop it. I was that stupid, you guys. I really was.

'Nina.' It took a lot to let that out. I swear. You wouldn't know what it was like. Like a rock being thrust out from your throat wasn't even a match to it. The guilt. God.

She didn't stop. No. She wasn't going to stop. So, I had to do this.

'Nina,' I tried again. Here it goes. 'I lied, too.' Alright. Now, there was no turning back. I could only go forward from here. We, Nina and I, could only go forward from here. If there was a future for us. I'd pray for nothing else from now onwards, Nina. Nothing else. Just you.

But she was still crying.

'I said I didn't care about Hadi and you -

Sniff. 'What?' Sob. Sniff. Sob.

'I said I lied,' I repeated.

'What?' Uh-oh.

'Nina, I -

You wanna guess what happened after that?

Or anything else less impressive.

2011-11-24T10:52:00.016+08:00

Here's a thing about me; I don't beg for trust. Liars beg for trust. I don't. That's why you'd never heard (not even once) and you'll never hear me say, 'Trust me'. We've seen movies where people who crush hearts, who break promises, who destroy hopes, who terribly disappoint initially offered a very convincing 'Trust me' right before turning their backs on the unfortunate souls who had granted them the trust they requested. You and me, we've all seen that. So I don't. I'm not that. Not even close.

Now, if you think by telling me that you don't trust me, or that you can trust me today but not three days later is going to change anything or leave an impact or something, you're thinking it wrong. I don't give a damn. Because like so many others in the world who are like me, I am honest with what I feel about many things. I am honest with what I feel about you. I have always been. I'm not that strange to a point that's unbelievable. Maybe to you I am. But I don't care. Really. I could be the strangest creature on earth in your eyes and so what. As far as I'm concerned, if you don't or can't trust me, that simply means you're still denied; by yourself, the pleasure of knowing me for who I really am and that's OK. That's really OK. I just seriously think you should change the contact name you decided for my number in your phone. I'm not living up to that honor if the very thing that makes me that; your trust, comes and goes like the wind. Just call me Nani. Or anything else less impressive. It would hurt you less when you're not in the mood for trusting.

p/s: This is not an angry post. Also not a hurt post.

p/p/s: That's my lazy-ass handwriting you had just read in the picture.

Later, people.

Forgiving is divine,

2011-11-14T09:42:00.001+08:00

but in your case, it's gonna take a lifetime.

It's weekend, Ig.

2011-10-23T22:04:00.000+08:00

The familiar warmth of the sun's rays spilled into my bedroom through the window, bringing promises and hopes for another wonderful day. Cliched, I know. It was golden and majestic, and it stole the silence away as it lovingly caressed me my face, waking me up from my almost peaceful slumber. Like magic, all the delicate images from my dream rushed to the dark of my memories when I opened my eyes. That was Ig, wasn't it? White baju melayu this time. Nice.

Weekend. Did I fall asleep after my Subuh prayer earlier? God.

I took a lazy glance at my Harry Potter alarm clock and groaned as I pulled my royal blue fleece blanket over my head. 'I hope no one calls.' Please. I really, really needed the rest. Hectic was an understatement if I were to use the word to describe the last five days. Disastrous? Not exactly, since no one died. Frenetic? Maybe. But it really was a circus. And I desperately needed the layoff. I needed to hibernate or something. I just -

So I was off into another dream. Vast, horizonless field of tulips. Red, yellow and purple blossoms paved the earth. Heavenly dark and light greens in between the flowers. Dewdrops like diamonds, winking as the first light greeted them. Immeasurably blue sky with whites of clouds in the prettiest of puffs. I was the centre of it all, breathing the air that brought life to all of my senses.

This cologne. Him.

He was standing next to me and my heart began to race. I didn't turn to look. I tried the first time he came into my dream and I woke up. It was so heartbreaking because I so wanted to see him. But I've learnt my lesson. So I didn't even move a muscle this time. I didn't want him to disappear.

Oh God please make him talk this time.

Just make him call my name of something. Anything. I wanted something I could remember him by so that in the future, if I could keep replaying whatever memory I had of this person, I would dream of him again. Because he seemed so hauntingly familiar. His presence, I meant. How my brain went haywire just by knowing that he was nearby. And how I couldn't find anything to say because I was afraid that he would vanish. It was almost ghostly. Pleasantly, though. Ghostly pleasant. Yes.

'Assalamualaikum,' I greeted, after what seemed like a whole day of contemplating the first move. Man. I really did it. I greeted him. The man who had visited me in my dream for the second time.

'Waalaikumussalam, Nina,' came the reply.

I thought I stopped breathing. Maybe I really did because it suddenly felt like the whole world was on top of me. I couldn't find words to describe the atmosphere at the moment, but I knew it was something I wanted to feel again. And again. Soon.

He answered. God, he really did.

'Your name, Mr.?' I proceeded. My nervous system was overworking. Please. Tell me your name.

You ever tried anticipation at its most ridiculous degree? Take my word for it; don't ever. Your lifespan could be reduced by at least ten years. I thought mine was.

The wind was blowing in face, gently. I could hear the soft whispers in the leaves, the loving hum of the bees and I was basking in the summer air of my dream as I waited for his response; his name. It was the single mystery I was fixated with at that moment.

'You'll call me -

And just like that, the phone rang.

'God. Why?' Groaning, again, I forced my eyes open. Grudgingly. 'Oh God, it was this close. Why?'

The strings that made my Sad Run ringtone were too coaxing to ignore, so as much I unreasonably wanted to just reject the call, I forced myself to find the phone under the folds of my blanket to answer it. Because Sad Run was the ring tone I assigned for his calls. His calls, only.

'You're asking for death, I presume?' I croaked into the phone. If he was intimidated, it didn't show.

'Morning, Nina,' said Ig. Cheerfully. Great. That would definitely mean a whole day out of bed. For me. Heavens I just wanted to spend a whole day doing nothing, why did it have to be so hard?

'Morning. One reason why I should spare your life,' I replied. 'It's weekend, Ig.' He had better get that one. Or I'd be really, really pissed.

'You don't have to. I'll be there in an hour,' he said, intentionally missing the hint. He deliberately missed the hint. Seriously.

'Leave me alone, Ig,' I responded. I must have sounded terrible. But I didn't care. 'I need this.'

'Nina. There's a car boot sale near my office. Get up. Get dressed.' Final. That tone meant business. Ig meant business.

'What?' I sat up so quickly I almost sprained my spine if that was possible. Car boot sale? Here? Today!?

'Books, Nina.' Yeah I heard you the first time. Pft.

And I think you can already guess what happened after that.

I got up. And I got dressed.

Darn it, Ig. Darn it.

Better liar than you will ever be.

2011-10-11T23:08:00.004+08:00

'You know the crazy thing about you is the fact that you lie so much, you even lie to yourself without realizing it,' I blurted. No more behind-the-veil kind of approach. No smirk, just a small, amused smile. No kindness, definitely. 'And you keep calling me a liar just to make yourself look good in your own eyes. Which is pathetic.' Then I looked at him in the face. Hell I was braver than most of us.

He had the same expression; an amused smile mixed with a smirk that hinted another pathetic thought. My guess? He thought I was trying to stop myself from crying. The fact? I was going to make him cry.

'Say whatever you want, Nina,' he replied, and let out a fake sigh, hinting fake pity. 'I got tired of chasing after your promises.' He stared right into my eyes when he said that it amazed me. Whoa. So in his hemorrhaged mind, I was the villain. Fine.

'You're hopeless,' was all I could manage. I mean yeah, I talk a lot. But this guy's being delusional sent me off the cliff. No snappy comeback this time. Shit.

He looked happy about it. He was smiling. 'I asked for your home address several times. I really meant it when I said I wanted to bring the ring to you.' Then he shook his head. 'But you played hard to get with the wrong guy.'

'Oh, I did?' Geez. I did?

'Unlike Hadi, Nina my dear, I have options,' he replied. And waited for me to burst into tears. Yeah. That's how stupid he was. But don't worry, I didn't. Heh. 'I'll be asking for Maera's hand in marriage in October. So um, as much as I wish I don't have to say this, I can't help but do - you're too late. Sorry.'

Oh. No. He. Did. Not.

But he did. So I said, 'Too late for what, really? I said I'm sorry for not believing your shit. I said nothing about wanting the ring.' On my face was genuine confusion. I repeat, genuine.

He chuckled. But I wasn't funny. But he chuckled anyway. In his damaged-beyond-repair mind, I was in denial. He really, really believed that I had actually wanted him and he had found someone else so I should be heartbroken. I should be heartbroken? Dear God, You really need to help this guy.

'It's OK,' he said, with another fake sigh. 'I understand.'

Seriously. I thought I was insanely full of myself most of the times. But this, you guys, was beyond any level of arrogance I could ever comprehend. 'I didn't play hard to get, Adrian,' I said, looking at him. Wait for it.

'Uh-huh, yeah you didn't,' he replied, chuckling.

'I simply didn't want you.'

Right. I said it. And I believe time stopped for him.

The smile on his face tried to vanish - the sight was insanely disturbing I almost felt sorry for him. The attempt to keep it on his face turned it into an expression I had to stop myself from laughing at. Man.

'Really, Nina, whatever.' He struggled with that. He did. Score one for me.

So I looked at him, with genuine pity. 'The sad thing about you is that you actually believe you could get just anyone and dump just anyone. That's awful, you know?'

He turned away, faking boredom. Faking. Boredom. I swear to God, I didn't make this up.

'And the sadder thing about you now, is that you thought I was one of those girls,' I added, looking at the sunset he was so focused at for the time being. 'You believed I wanted you when you wanted someone else so I should be crying right now. You thought I'd be crying. You believe that you're leaving me.'

He didn't say a thing.

'But the saddest thing, really, Adrian, was the fact that you didn't; you just made the whole thing up in your head because your ego is bigger than all the universes combined, to actually accept that in your sad, deceitful and sick 26 years of life, one person just didn't fall for you,' I said with a slight tone of finality. 'I just didn't fall for you.'

He still didn't say a thing.

'You can keep believing the lie you told yourself. I won't even mind if you choose to tell your friends who asked about us that you left me for someone else. Seriously, I'd be surprised if you don't,' I told him. Because he was that kind of person. Because he was sick that way.

He turned to look at me. His face was indescribable.

I took a deep breath and said, 'You have my sincere pity. And that pity is the reason why I'm going to let you believe whatever you want. Just get out of my life.'

He was still staring. Somehow it felt like he was looking right through me.

'Funny isn't it, that you got to flirt with all the rich, gorgeous ones and leave them howling and the plain little me is just not interested no matter how hard you try? Must have hurt your pride really bad, no, since you sort of have the looks and some money.'

On his face was anger. I was pushing it almost too far. But hey, I didn't care.

'Wanna know why?'

Angrier.

'Because I'm a better liar than you will ever be.'

Fists, both, clenched.

'That night you asked for my home address, I laughed myself to sleep. It was awesome. But when you desperately tried to make me believe that I'm being dumped when we aren't even friends, that was a masterpiece. Really.' And I laughed. Not mockingly. I really laughed. Not because it was funny. But because I actually made him angry since I didn't think I could. 'You're a sad, sad existence, Adrian. Sad.'

'You'll shut up if you know what's good for you,' he said, finally. Man. He was shaking.

'And you'll stop talking trash unless you want me to end your life.'

'Thinking too highly of yourself as usual -

I reached for his necktie and jerked it forward. He almost stumbled onto me. My face was expressionless. 'Have you told Maera that you drugged a party girl and fathered a son three years ago, or do you want me to do the spilling for you?' I asked. Kindly. With the kindest smile he had ever seen on my face.

He stared at me. Disbelieving. His lifespan must have been shortened by at least ten years when he heard the question. The corpse-like look on his face? God. Priceless.

'I thought so.'

And I released him.

'Nina,' he began. There was pure fear in his voice it came out a croak.

I raised both my brows at him and said nothing. Then I turned to leave. The sun was almost gone and I was bored of the game. Of him.

'My future -

'Has nothing to do with me,' I said, ending it all, and walked away. Disgusted.

This time, I really left. I wasn't going to go back to that time when we used to talk and make each other laugh. Not for anything. Not even for the world.

...sebenarnya pedofail.

2011-09-26T22:21:00.001+08:00

Biarlah laki tu umur 25, perempuan tu umur 16 nak bercinta. Biarlah laki tu umur 40, perempuan tu umur 20 nak bercinta. Biarlah perempuan tu umur 50, laki tu umur 25 nak bercinta. Biarlah mereka nak kawen. Ada isu jurang umur sikit nak relate dengan pedofail. Semua nak pedofail. Sikit-sikit pedofail. Kau tau ke makna pedofail? Kau lupa Rasulullah SAW umur berapa masa kawen dengan Saiyidatina Aisyah? Kalau ikut definisi terlebih pandai kau, baginda pun kau dah masukkan dalam kategori pedofail. Disrespect tahap neraka lah macam tu, bukan? Sikit-sikit pedofail. Macam kau sorang pernah dengar, tahu eja dan tahu guna perkataan tu. Bro, aku pun reti. Sebab tu aku tak guna merata alam macam kau. Aku pun tak quote entah sumber mana-mana just to sound poyo smart bajet bijak dan konon banyak berfikir on FB. Sikit-sikit pedofail. Semua nak pedofail. Entah kau sendiri tu sebenarnya pedofail tapi tak sedar sebab tak tahu makna. Cakap nak lepas, perasan jujur telus berminda kritikal. Tulis nak laju, perasan smartass tak pasal. Eh, hello? Yang jujur telus berintegrasi tu yours truly. Yang smartass tu pun yours sincerely. Please lah.

Menyampah kot aku.

We could have been. For life.

2011-09-25T18:53:00.000+08:00

'I heard Khalif got engaged,' said Ig, looking up from his computer screen. His hazel-brown eyes were dreamy as usual. I could see curiousity on his face. There was amusement as well. And a hint of a smile. In his voice was a slight thankfulness, I hoped. I hoped.

I stared at him blankly, - surprised by the suddenness of the question - nodded and responded with a nonchalant 'Uh-huh', before proceeding to the 115th page of Picoult's House Rules. I kept decoding each line in admiration - the everyday vocab and the sophisticated syntax. If this was jealousy, it would have resulted in murder. Luckily it was just veneration so it didn't hurt. But it was kind of pleasantly disturbing (yeah I know it sounds insane) that I had never wanted to write the way anyone does so badly the way I wanted to write like her.

'I thought he likes you?' said Ig, after a few blissful seconds of silence. Why can't you, for at least one hour, stop talking to me when I'm reading? 'I mean, he told you he does, didn't he?' he added, triggering annoyance. What the heck was that, anyway? There's a whole world of matters to talk about, and he wanted to talk about Khalif. No, seriously. He wanted to talk about Khalif.

I looked up from the page and returned his bewitching stare. Dear God, you have to grant me this man's love no matter what, because no one else on earth will ever be able to love him the way I do, and You know it.

'What's your problem, Ig?' I asked. Bored. I mean come on, we didn't get to see each other that often anymore since I started working and when we were spending quality time like this - appreciating each other's presence - he had to talk about someone else. A guy at that.

'Did he make you cry?' he asked, suddenly. The expression on his face changed. Into a look I had been sorely missing.

I rolled my eyes and said, 'Where did that come from?' Jeez.

And his face hardened. 'Did he?'

'No.' Yes, he did.

He reached out to my book, pulled it away and placed it on his lap. 'I'll return this later. Talk to me.'

'No, he didn't.' Yes. He. Damn. Did.

'Nina.'

'I just don't wanna talk about it.' True. I didn't wanna remember the friendship that was broken beyond repair because Khalif was born stupid and he couldn't help it. Because every time I did, a part of me died. Because we could have been best friends for life. Best friends. For life.

Ig leaned into his chair, arms crossed. 'You're not getting your book back until you do.' Oh yes, you can definitely keep it, love. I'd let you keep even me for the rest of our blessed lives if you'd just ask. You just didn't know I would.

I let out a sigh and faked the cursed look of a painful longing. I could always buy another copy. But the fact that he was keeping it as a pass to peek into my life raised the value of it to heaven. Now I wanted it back.

'It's not working, Nina.' Damn. I could have sworn his tough front faltered a bit just now. He blinked and swallowed. Heh.

My calculative mind began to work the usual mischiefs; I was planning a tale that wasn't entirely a lie. Some parts of the whole truth would still be concealed, though. It wasn't going to be a lie, I promised myself. It shouldn't. Because this was Ig.

'He didn't really like me. He just thought he did,' I began, trying my hardest to look into his eyes. Convincingly, yes.

'OK,' he replied. My book was still unreturned. Right. So this was going to be a tough fight. Fine.

'He did say he liked me. But I think he didn't know what he was talking about. Maybe some time after his confession, the other girl happened and he panicked.' Nope. He was calm as hell. Because he was the world's biggest jerk. Still is.

'Why?'

'Because he realized that he didn't mean a single thing he said about his feelings for me in that few months, so he ignored me for a week, pretending to be confused,' I explained. I didn't tell him about how terrible it was for me, because Khalif and I had been friends practically since the day I was born.

'What do you mean he pretended?'

'What else could it be? He was in love for months and non-existent for no reason for seven days. I rang him but he didn't pick up. Something was definitely out of place, so I tried calling him using my brother's mobile.'

'He took the call?'

'I didn't say anything, though.'

'And?'

'He sent me a text saying we should talk. I guess his sad little brain managed to comprehend the trouble he was in.' I sighed. It was so hard to actually send this shit away to the back of my mind. It took me almost a year. Now it was all coming back to me. Heck.

'And you guys talked.'

'I did most of the talking. Told him how immature and selfish he was - how else would you describe him, Ig? For offering me 143 just after a few days of talking when we hadn't talked to each other in at least 16 years. He's one year older. Would have been so many times smarter if he was actually using his brains at the right times. But I guess he didn't.' I was beginning to hate the fact that I remembered so much of it. 'So he screwed up our 25-year-old friendship really bad.'

'What did he say?'

'He told me he was confused. Didn't know what he was talking about. I guess the word 'love' was pretty much nothing to him since he threw it around anytime he could - he pretty much just trash-talked.'

It was funny. That I wasn't crying.

'Were you in love with him?'

Honestly, Ig, that was so unnecessary.

'No.'

I never was. It was friendship for me. One of the best because it was almost ancient. Almost. That's why my world sort of cracked when Khalif decided to stop playing smartass and act his real self - the cursed moron from hell.

He was reading my face to see if I really was telling the truth. I returned the stare with everything that I was - honesty. Seconds passed and Ig sighed. And smiled. Not the usual smile that drives girls crazy. Not the one he usually cracks when he was reading something funny. It was the rarely seen, kind one. That stopped the raging storm within me in 2 seconds.

'I tried to keep us going. But there was no effort on his part. I gave up after two weeks of trying. So I stopped texting and calling him. Just to see if he really cared,' I said.

'Seriously.'

'Yeah. I walked away.' I kind of knew that he was going to be a disappointment when I first said 'Hi' two years ago. I guess I just wanted to give him a chance. Maybe I wanted to give myself a chance. I didn't really know, though. But I'm thankful that I walked away.

'Nina.'

'That was two years ago. I sent a short mail to him last Syawal. Honest apologies and all.' But there was only silence. 'I tried.'

That concerned look again. And I was saved. 'Will you ever go back?'

'I don't know.' I really don't. There was nothing for me to go back to, anyway.

A soothing silence.

He took the book from his lap slowly, and placed it in front of me. In response to that, I beamed and our eyes met. It was almost heaven. To me it was. He gave me that kind smile in return and didn't say a thing. He didn't really have to.

I looked out the window and saw the people in the street running for shelter. It was raining all of a sudden. Somehow I was at peace. Maybe the rain was washing away the hopelessness everyone was breathing from the air. Maybe it should wash away the hopelessness in me, too.

'Maybe you won't have to,' Ig said, finally. I turned to him and remembered how much my life had changed since he decided to hang around.

'Yeah,' I said. Yeah, maybe I won't have to.

And maybe I won't even want to.

Ever.

When it happens (II)

2011-09-16T12:33:00.000+08:00

SHE'S

BROKEN.

THIS

2011-09-07T18:20:00.001+08:00

makes me so happy! Urbay Decay's Eyeshadow Primer Potion - everyone,

meet Eden and Sin (Yeah. The very names.). My student, Nadiah helped save my life by buying me me these (will pay her tomorrow!), I bet she sort of kesian kat this poor teacher of hers yang

histeria sakit jiwa wanting these so much. Haha.

p/s: Now waiting for the 15-Year-Anniversary Palette to arrive!

Thank you Mohamad Lutfi bin Mohd Tahir.

Your kindness and muka tebal masuk SEPHORA buying

a limited edition eyeshadow palette will forever be remembered.

*hugs hugs hugs*

OMG I'm so excited! I'll upload the picture of it

bila dah sampai nanti tau. Hehe.

Readers: Wait, WHAT? But this is MAKE UP! Nani Othman doesn't do MAKE UP!

You know what, I do. And I am obsessed with eyeshadows.

What about you girls? Let's talk makeup, shall we?

When it happens.

2011-09-06T15:18:00.001+08:00

SHE WAS JUST

ANOTHER ONE.

'ling, you speak lah Malay. Ke shy nak use BM?

2011-09-02T16:55:00.000+08:00

This kind of people just pisses me off to no end. Engkau sendiri pun bercakap campur segala mak nenek, engkau nak suruh aku pulak cakap Melayu. Gila panas lah hati aku setiap kali jumpa orang macam ni. Siap tuduh aku tak patriotik lagi tu. Eh, pleaselah smartass, speaking English does not grant me a permanent citizenship of the States (macam aku hendaklah bukan, jadi American tiba-tiba) - so aku sumpah lah tak faham apa masalah engkau nak kata aku tak patriotik. Aku tak malu la nak guna Bahasa Melayu - dah English happened to be a more efficient language untuk perbincangan masa tu, aku gunalah. At least when I use English, I try to not sound stupid. Daripada engkau yang selit English words (siap pronounce salah lagi tu) kat merata alam dalam percakapan Melayu engkau tu kan? Annoying kot!

Aku have absolutely nothing against people yang salah sebut sana-sini, we aren't native speakers, we make mistakes. Aku cuma panas kat orang macam tu bila mereka suruh aku cakap Melayu sedangkan they're not doing it.

* * *

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfiri everyone!

I hope to be forgiven.

And thanks for being around.

Later then.

Stalemate, for the moment.

2011-08-11T22:24:00.001+08:00

Many of you are not going to get it, so I'll just keep the comments section closed for this one.

It's a work in progress. I think it's going to be big, since I'm working on it with Zarif and Azuan (though Azuan is practically still clueless about this) - my two trusted companions. I'm excited. Really am. And I'd never attempted anything like this before - it's based on a real life encounter with the most evil person anyone could have ever met. I mean, we'd done some really good ones before, and those had sent my psychological age several centuries up which could be good in some ways and terrible in some others. But this one is different. This isn't going to be something just anyone can relate to. This is going to be strangely familiar to some, completely frivolous to some more but just perfect for the right group of people. Heck I really don't know. This is as real as it's going to get. Part of me is still recovering from the storm. Other parts of me are plotting damage. Which is pretty much indicating a comeback stage. A huge-ass comeback stage.

The whole month I spent dealing with this inspirational (at last!) madness had definitely sent half of my maturity down the drain, half of my sanity down the same drain and almost all my intelligence down a specific drain - which was incredibly disastrous. I've had my share of trouble, pain and loss. I had discovered a side of me I had never known before. And I had learnt that the crazy part of me is still alive - the one that turns every rock into a diamond. I think I'm sane enough if I'm that crazy. Haha. I think I'm sane enough to be that crazy.

Told you no one's gonna get this. But I just wanted to write. My fingers were itching.

So yeah, it's sort of a stalemate for the moment.

Why only lesbians would love Seth Tan.

2011-08-08T21:33:00.008+08:00

Right. I have never seen Nora Elena. But I've heard from many about how good it is. A girl gets raped, marries the rapist and lives happily ever after. Couldn't think of a better plot myself - being the future JK Rowling. Seriously.

Anyway, I also heard that the rapist turned husband is one of the most romantic male characters ever to grace the TV screen, so most girls I know went nuts at the slightest mention of Seth Tan. Which is something I don't get since he's a rapist. And he didn't get caught for raping. And he lives a great life, becomes successful and gets to marry the girl he couldn't stop himself from violating some years ago. Pretty much a life any rapist would rape for. Pft.

Now some of my married girl acquaintances too, were so much in love with this guy Seth Tan. They were like, 'Kan best kalau hubby I macam tu?' Which is something I can never digest - you want a rapist for husband when you're married to a nuclear engineer? Talk about being ungrateful. And insane. I thought I was crazy to 24/7ly spazz about Bradley James. No. Seriously. I really did.

And I was also told that I would never understand what this madness is all about since I'm not yet married. Fine. Maybe I don't get it. But it's definitely not because I'm not married. I mean, he's a rapist. He intentionally destroyed a life and nothing could change that. Not that I like Nora Elena or anything, but yeah, it was intentional. So, fine, I don't get it. But I know enough to not wish for my future husband (whoever you are) to be a rapist.

OK. 'Now what's with the post title?' some of you might ask. We're getting there now.

LOOK AT THE PICTURE - CLOSELY!

Photo courtesy of Kak Imm.

Get me? Honestly this Ahmad Seth Tan whatever could be the most romantic knight in shining armor from the seventh heaven for all I care, but if he's actually a FEMALE then what's the point, really? Married females everywhere had been hoping for a female husband and Nora Elena spent years being traumatic because she was raped by a girl. Like, honestly, I really don't get where this drama came from. I really, really don't.

So I admit. I don't get it. As far as I'm concerned, I'm a woman, straight, and I'm destined to marry Bradley James. And I pity them married women who had been so ungrateful about being married to real men that they are wishing for a female sexual predator instead. Really.

Alright. I am bored. Thus the post.

What's new on TV lately, people?

And how's everyone?

I wish

2011-08-06T22:19:00.004+08:00

that you had paid attention to my favourite songs,

because the lyrics are the things I wanted to say to you, but am too scared to.

Yes.

Memang teramatlah lousy menjadi seorang pengecut.

* * *

Ada sesiapa pernah brave enough pergi buat confession cinta kaseh

to anyone? Come on.

Share.

Chapter: Random Dua

2011-08-02T22:23:00.003+08:00

Aku rasa darah terdidih sungguh bila ditanya sama ada aku berhubungan cinta kaseh rindu mak nenek dengan student aku sendiri. Macam aku tak ada kerja sangatlah, bukan? Lebih dari boleh sebenarnya aku nak ungkit semua benda yang aku buat, biar celik mata engkau, engkau dan engkau bahawa aku tak punya masa untuk menjahanamkan hidup student aku. Aku juga tak punya ingin atau kebodohan untuk bercakap tentang benda yang aku tak tahu - macam engkau.

'Maybe masa dia cakap tu, dia taktau hal sebenar kot, Nani,' kata seorang lagi, dalam diam mohon dibunuh aku rasa.

Aku rasa jiwa engkau mesti sakit amat sampai tak mampu nak digest - benda yang kau tak tahu, tak payah cakap. Tak pasal-pasal aku jadi menyampah bila nampak engkau. Tak pasal-pasal aku terus lupa macam mana nak hormat engkau.

Oh wait. Kenapa nak hormat engkau in the first place pun aku dah lupa.

*

Kadang-kadang, bila aku nak menyelamatkan diri sendiri, aku menipu. Kadang-kadang, aku guna juga orang lain untuk kepentingan aku. Kadang-kadang, aku let someone else take blames - sebab aku pun ada hari pengecut aku juga. Tapi selepas itu aku apologize, tak kira orang-orang yang terluka tu sedar atau tidak apa aku dah buat. Aku apologize ikhlas. Aku takut mati aku dosa tak terampun. Aku takut masa depan aku yang mungkin patut cerah jadi hitam bila ada hati yang tak terubat. Aku takut being unforgiven. Aku rasa macam kena sumpah bila aku being unforgiven.

*

Masa dia kata 'Trust me,' for the first time itulah aku sepatutnya berhenti simpan trust pada dia. Aku manusia jujur, semua orang tahu rasanya. Dan aku tak pernah ada temptation nak suruh siapa-siapa trust pada aku. Sebab orang yang memang jujur tak payah menagih trust. Benda itu datang sendiri bila dalam hati engkau tak ada tipu-tipu.

*

Aku beri dia bahu sejuk aku sebab aku dah tak punya apa lagi untuk diberi percuma. Sebab aku langsung dah tak ada ingin untuk berbudi. Sebab bila aku ikhlas, makcik-makcik sawan histeria kerencatan akal akan berasa bertanggungjawab tiba-tiba untuk menegur aku yang kononnya sedang on the way membawa cemar ke nama emak ayah.

Nasib baik aku tak pernah ikut anak-anak mereka pergi clubbing.

*

Henry David Thoreau kata, 'If a plant cannot live according to its nature, it dies; and so a man.'

Aku percaya manusia pada nature nya baik-baik belaka. Jujur-jujur belaka. Ikhlas-ikhlas belaka. Maka aku juga percaya manusia yang jahat dengan sengaja, tipu dengan sengaja - semuanya mati cepat. Ataupun nak mati tak lama lagi.

Jadi kamu-kamu yang berasa menjadi penipu itu cool, cepat-cepat take a deep breath, stop lying and start living.

*

Don't try to be someone you're not. Let people love you for you. You were born an original. Don't die a copy.

In every sense.

2011-07-26T01:21:00.000+08:00

Stuffed rows and rows of colorful book spines, of various heights and thickness, bleached by time, ran along the walls in the shelves, looking like they had been there since time began. Some were so curious-looking with the golden letterings of the title half faded, while some gave out the proud impression of being new additions to the family. Most of them were neatly covered with clear plastic film and there were some that looked as if they were given brand new jackets. It was a sight you would wish to see, anyone would wish to see. And the familiar, heavenly smell of yellowed, aged, printed pages filled the air.

The atmosphere then felt just right. Perfect. They would have impressed anyone, even you. The house was, in all its senses, down to the last brick, a home filled to each and every corner with books. Literally. It was my definition of Wonderland, orgasmic in every sense.

Several silent minutes must have passed as I was standing there motionless, still in awe and unbelieving. Bracing myself, I took some brave steps towards the shelf closest to me and I touched the crimson spine of a big book. Ten thousand volts shot up my brain as I ran my fingers down the almost faded silver letters. 'Alice,' I read quietly. God. This was as real as everything else under the sun. 'In Wonderland.'

I promised myself last night,

2011-07-20T22:53:00.004+08:00

that I would have fun today - since yesterday was mentally disastrous for me no one needs to read about it.

Now I'm at this Creative Writing Workshop which is held in Penang. I'm currently staying at Hydro Hotel which almost kicked ass but one of the tables in the dining hall was wobbly so it didn't. But it's badass enough. At least the food is. And the room.

OK. Field trip. Today. I brought a pen (borrowed from Hanizah from MRSM Terendak because I had stupidly forgotten mine) and sheets to write on but I guess pictures say more than I ever could with a hundred pens. So here they are!

The English teachers on their way up the bus. That's MRSM Balik Pulau's
bus, if anyone's wondering. I got to sit at the back. Because I like it.

These are the two speakers. The person on the left is Mr Jayakaran
Mukundan, next to him is Mr Alan Maley. These guys are great.

Here's the Teluk Bahang jetty. The smell of the sea - priceless.

This is the crazy cool time capsule at the Pusat
Interpretasi. We get to write notes to the people in 2071.
I wrote mine which sounded like this, 'This is Nani
Othman from year 2011. I hope you guys still have
lush forests and running rivers. I hope there's no
more war, too.'

This is the red bark tree. I don't know what the real
name for it is. The guide guy said it's just called that.
The red bark is used to make dye for batik
painting, which is awesome. And it can be
soaked with fishing nets to make them last
longer, which is also awesome.

I'd call this the Wishing Stairs. I had so badly wished
that they would end soon. I'm really bad at trekking.

Now this, according to the guide, is the most dangerous
tree in the forest. It's called Rengas Kerbau Jalang. The
sap can cause extreme itch and you'll need to be rushed
to the hospital immediately. But you can delay the
damage with mud - which reminds me of the poison
oak in the movie Coraline.

Fish. OMG. Fish.

THIS, PEOPLE, IS THE REASON I put up with the insane jungle trekking
trail. These little packages of miracles just stole my heart away. I even get to
pet one OMG it felt like heaven! They're so fragile yet so strong like -
the moment they leave their eggs they just started living on their own,
so unlike many other animals. They're my heroes.

This is the guide I'm talking about. Name's Aidrul and
he said I look 23. Which makes him one of the most
awesome persons on earth. 'I've been in here many times,
but this is the first time I saw so many butterflies along
the way. That black and blue one you found. saw it today
for the first time. You brought luck.'

And this, is the boat we took the ride back on. The boat I went diCaprio-I'm-
the-King-of-the-World on. THE RIDE WAS RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME!
The greyish green waves were great. Around the rocks they were
pleasantly greener. I didn't get seasick, which was wonderful.
Come to think of it, I never did, so I guess it really was
wonderful.

Man. I really did go diCaprio on it.

So did I have fun? I definitely did. I made a new friend, Aidrul. I learnt really neat stuff about the jungle. I got to know another side of me I rarely get connected with. I got to appreciate baby turtles OMG, they are just amazing beyond reason! And I got be really close with nature for several hours which was really, really magical. Really, I've had a great time. An incredibly great time. Thank you, God.

Phew. I need to get rested. My eyes are crazy heavy. I'll see you guys around.

Oh.

One day I might return here.

For the baby turtles, of course.

I was unstoppable.

2011-07-17T09:55:00.000+08:00

Back then when I was in high school, I could finish three to four Christopher Pike novels in a day. I was unstoppable. Right now, I actually have to steal some time to read just to maintain my sanity. I wish I could have more reading time. What I have now is not enough.

There's already a long queue of titles that I need to finish before the year ends so I could start a new list next year. That, people, has never happened before. I had always bought new books because I have nothing else to read.

I really need more time to hog the books. Or I'll crack.

What have you guys been reading lately? Share with me!

...being ordinary?

2011-07-15T18:43:00.002+08:00

'I biase biase je.'

Aku sikit pun tak percaya yang Tuhan pernah mencipta seorang manusia yang biasa. Aku rasa being ordinary tu equals to being bukan manusia. Please lah. Thankful lah sikit Tuhan beri pada engkau akal. That particular thing diberi percuma kepada engkau sudah lebih dari cukup jadi bukti bahawa tidak ada manusia yang ordinary. Pft.

p/s: Kawan aku percaya yang sepasang kasut cantik can be trusted untuk bawa kita ke tempat yang cantik. Aku rasa dia banyak berangan. At this time of life siapa nak pergi ke tempat cantik? Aku nak ke hati yang cantik. Hati yang cantik.

Take good care of your heart.

2011-07-10T21:13:00.003+08:00

The first thing about Asmahani Asmat - my best friend in the whole wide world - is that she gives crazy good advice. Any given time for any situation. Most of the times she sounds like she's a hundred years old. The second thing about her is that she's my best friend and I consider myself very lucky to have her around. We might not talk everyday, but if there's anything I can say about our bond - it's permanent and it's ordinarily unbreakable. We're the best of friends. Like the best friends of the world.

I get to be my craziest self when I'm with her without worrying of being judged. I get to talk immense nonsense without having to hide anything. I get to love her all I want without caring if she loves me the same way. I can stop making sense and she would never question my sanity. I get to say stuff I don't dare to say to others (yes, readers, there ARE people I can't just say things to, happy?). And probably the best thing about being with her is that I don't have to behave myself at all. Yeah. I don't have to fulfill anyone's expectations. I get to be selfishly me. Which is something I rarely get to be these days.

I practically trust her with everything, including some secrets I usually share only with my sister. Right. Earlier today, I did spill something right into her lap because I could no longer take the stress. So the third thing about Asmahani is that she doesn't have to say much about anything to make me see sense, even when I hadn't actually spilled every last drop of my problems. I could say she saw right through me. Right through everything I said and told me something no one ever had the nerve to -

Take good care of your heart.

That was all it took and everything just falls into place. Maybe I'd been way off the track by letting my heart make all the decisions that are - amazingly I must say - stupid beyond my massive abilities to comprehend stupidity. And that's like despite the fact that I'm a considerably smart person, almost as smart as my overachieving mother. So I guess telling people to use their brains before acting is so much easier than actually doing it. I wasn't using my brain. That much insanity is not forgiveable, I know. I almost got myself into trouble for letting my heart do most of the thinking.

Take good care of your heart.

The moment I read that was the moment I realized how much I'd been missing her all this time. I miss her wisdom. I miss feeling young and clueless around her. I miss having her say one simple thing and clear up one whole mess. I miss having her save my retarded ass everytime I jump off a hypothetical bridge. I miss having a best friend so close to me I could just walk straight into hell because I know she'd bring me back. Because she always did. And she always will.

She made me realize something else, too. You don't just stop loving a person. You either never did. Or you always will. And that's something you don't learn from just anyone.

For nearly a month, I was lost. I couldn't find a way out of the mess I didn't start. I didn't know who to turn to. I didn't know what to do. Then Hani happened all over again. And my wings are no longer broken. I'm soaring right now. Just the way I used to be.

For this, I have only God to thank. Alhamdulillah for the person named Asmahani Asmat. I love you to pieces, best friend. I hope we'll last forever.

Sejak 18 Jun lepas.

2011-07-03T22:39:00.001+08:00

Hari ini adalah hari Ahad yang paling tidak produktif dalam hidup Cik Nani. And I'm ashamed of it. So ashamed I need to share it on my blog so that more people know how terrible I can be at managing time and problems. Yeah. I sure am.

Anyway, I woke up pretty late memandangkan hari sebelumnya Nani teman 18 students ke Dewan Khoon Aik bermain RHB & STAR Mighty Minds State Challenge. Seharian meneman kanak-kanak sambil memastikan emosi dan keyakinan mereka di tahap terbaik amatlah memenatkan. Cuba kamu semua jadi guru pengiring bawak budak-budak berminda mighty pergi bermain Mighty Minds - confirm sebaik saja sampai ke rumah, katil kamu macam mana bersepah mesti nampak macam syurga. Haha. Perkara terbabit memang terjadi kepada Nani, I speak from experience, tuan-tuan dan puan-puan. Macam syurga.

So, apa seronoknya bermain Mighty Minds dengan kanak-kanak berusia 15 dan 17 tahun? Hehe. Cerita panjang macam telenovela dibuat pendek, dua daripada tiga team tingkatan 5 kami menang first dan second place. Cik Nani bangga sangat tak tahu macam mana nak cerita. Tapi tengok budak-budak terbabit bermuka bahagia, Nani rasa penat seharian menunggu dah tak apa.

Zarif kata: You memang sentiasa bawak luck! Gila la cikgu English pi pertandingan Sains - mana tak ong?

By the way, itu cerita hari sebelum. Kalau tulis essay empat muka pun tak ada siapa faham seronok apa bermain dengan budak sekolah tingkatan 3 dan 5 - mesti pakai kasut Cik Nani baru tahu tinggi langit di mana dengan rendah tanah hujung horizon nampak pelangi warna tujuh ribu.

Baik. Cerita hari ini. Nani bangun lewat. Mata tercelik saja telefon sudah berbunyi minta dijawab. Corrupted Saint kesayangan buat panggilan kasih rupanya. Haha. Dengan teknologi telefon berwayar sifar pun Nani boleh bergayut hampir dua jam apa disembang rahsia besar tak boleh kongsi pula. Gomennasai sungguh-sungguh.

Kemudian sambung tidur lagi macam makhluk keji zaman silam yang cuma terkejut bila lapar. Lunch pukul 5 petang - memang layak kena sembur dengan semua perangai serupa ini, bukan? Ruang komen belum ditutup, para pembaca sekalian. Cepat pergi conteng! Haha.

Dan lepas itu Cik Nani habiskan masa berfikir macam mana nak selesaikan masalah yang berupa seakan-akan bencana emosi terbesar dalam karier beliau setakat ini. Masa macam habis. Tapi penyelesaian macam tak jumpa. Hidup macam agak terf*cked up tak tahu apa nak buat. Kalau boleh minta Allah SWT putarkan masa ke sebulan lepas dengan memory hari ini masih intact, Nani nak tukar tempat kerja. Tapi macam mana fikir pun nampaknya memang tak boleh. Jadi cuma boleh brave benda ini anggap masalah kecil yang akan selesai sendiri.

Esok sekolah. Sejak 18 Jun lepas, setiap jam berada di sekolah adalah jam yang Nani dread. Sampai hari ini pun, Nani masih dreading the fact that I still have to go to school. I don't hate my job. I'm just not happy with the sudden change in my life.

A hundred years from now.

2011-06-19T14:19:00.004+08:00

I finished this book yesterday. Sumpah habis merembes air mata! I tau, memang sungguh kurang sopan sekali membaca buku sedih serupa ini sambil berguling di katil dengan air mata penuh di muka. Tapi the book is a wonderful read. It reminds me a lot of the kind of sister I am, and the kind of sister I wish to be and the kind of sister I hope I'd never have to be. I've asked myself many questions along the way, half of them are still unanswered even after I finish the book, but somehow that's OK. Because I don't need them now. Not yet.

The book touched my heart at all the right places. Feels great discovering that you can feel a lot of people at the same time. And for the I-don't-know-how-many-th time, I envy Picoult's ability to write extraordinary stories using the very ordinary, everyday vocabulary. OK, envy is an understatement. I want to be able to write like her. I want to have a copy of her storytelling gift imprinted in my DNA. I want to leave the kind of impression she leaves on me, on my readers. I want that much. And maybe so much more, too.

I was never her fan until about 2 or 3 years ago, when I bought The Tenth Circle (my very first Jodi Picoult book). And then it becomes an obsession - wanting to write like her. Because I realized that after one or two chapter, her writing made me feel so small. Because she seems to know so much. Because it seems like all the characters in her book had personally told her what to write about them. Because they are so real. And I don't have 'real' in my stories. I need 'real'. Badly.

Reading her stories make me dream. Or to be exact, it makes my list of dreams longer. It also reminded me of what I used to want when I was younger; of my selfish wishes when my brain wasn't functioning the way it does now, when my heart could want so many things at a time. She made me look back into my childhood, which is something I rarely do. Because of the regret and heartbreaks that were graffitied on the walls of my past. But when I did so yesterday, it didn't feel so bad anymore. I'm still able to dream. I bet I'm still able to make more of them come true in the near future. But then again, how near in the future are we talking about? How near is near?

So My Sister's Keeper made me ask myself a lot of things. One of them was something as simple as 'What did I used to want to be?' I remembered how I used to want to be a doctor. I wanted to be a mermaid. I wanted to be a witch. I had wished to be a comic artist. I wanted to own a bakery. I wanted to be a florist. I once wanted to be a surgeon too, at one point in my life. And as far as I can remember (oh, I remember a lot), I had never once thought of, 'What if I'd never make it to university?' or 'What if I'd never get to finish high school?'

All my dreams were things so far ahead they were beautiful just thinking about them. So when I read about Kate Fitzgerald who had almost nothing to look forward to because she could die anytime, I felt terrible. Because a part of me felt incredibly sorry for her, for people like her, for families of people like her...and the horrible part of me was thankful that leukemia didn't happen to me, or anyone in my family. I don't know if that was simply being human. I just know that I don't like the way I felt.

Now I'm a teacher. I teach students how to write correct English the way I know it. I teach them how to speak correct English the way I know it. And I have new dreams, too. For me. For them. For many others. I want to see them become the people they're meant to be. I want to be a part of that circle in their lives; a part that would mean something when they reach the future. I want to be able to smile when they do.

I also want to have a personal library. I want to build a house for my cats. I want to own a bookstore the size of Kinokuniya and I wanna name it Shaariah's. I want to have a family. I want to have kids. I want to be famous. I want to sign my own books my fans bought. And this list can go on for another hundred miles if I want it to.

I don't know if any of them would come true. I think some of them might. Some of them might not. Some might even be replaced with new ones. But there's one that will always stay in the list, and it'll keep coming true every single day for the rest of my life. No matter what.

A hundred years from now, I'd still wanna be Nur Farhinaa's and Muhammad Nazif Aimaan's sister.

That much I know.

Am I still being read?

2011-06-06T14:34:00.001+08:00

OK, first of all, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for being gone for quite a while (Alright, alright! I have been gone for several centuries, I know, and I apologize!). I'm sorry for not writing even a single bit of a sentence worthy of anyone's reading time. I'm sorry for not returning the visits. I'm sorry for not dropping comments on your blogs. I'm sorry for being gone. I wouldn't bet that you guys (if I still have any reader) were waiting for my making a comeback or anything – my head isn't that big, you know? But I still feel guilty for not writing because I sort of feel like some people might still wanna read my written self-centeredness and insane ego. So here I am, back from the blogosphere reign of Anubis. I'm as alive as you are.

Right, I've been living life like crazy – shopping for my very first Camelot retelling production, making the props and costumes for the play, collecting money, using the money, going to school at 7 in the morning and going back at night for two consecutive months, coaching a drama team for the Camelot retelling (I don't wanna talk about the competition, though), teaching (of course~), breaking the hearts of some people, cracking the heads of some other people, marking exam papers – you know what, this is even craz – who wants to read this anyway?

So yeah, I've been working myself excessively before this was published so you could say that I finally have some time to be spent with myself at home now that it's school break. Hehe. With my books. Which is something I have almost gone stupid missing doing. And lately, I sort of feel like a different person. I guess the two months spent with the kids changed some parts of me. Some significant parts or me. And I like it. I really do.

So school break started. I managed to finish The Throne of Fire by Rick Riordan. Found out that I like Carter a little lesser now, and I like Sadie a lot more, and I think Anubis is hot. Haha. Bast didn't get to shine so much this time, but it's still OK. Walt is quite cool, so I thought that if Sadie didn't get to be with her 5000-year-old crush, she could be with Walt. I sure hope he doesn't have to die. And page 91 drove me insane because Carter thought he saw a flying horse in the sky of Manhattan, which could have probably been Black Jack in the Percy Jackson series, or any of his chicken pony friends – so the book was automatically an awesome read.

Before The Throne of Fire, I was reading I Am Number Four, which was promising at the beginning and turned out terrible as I went on. If you think Bella Swan sucks, you haven't read about Sarah Hart. And John Smith couldn't have been more uninteresting as a major character. He's downright annoying and selfish and not so smart. A total waste of narrating pages if you ask me.

I like strong guys in books. You don't have to able to fly or shoot laser beams from your eyes or lift an entire continent into the sun to be considered strong – just at least please do have a reason for loving someone; other than because she's an ex-cheerleader who happens to like photography and doesn't have superpowers. And those are the lamest of reasons to fall in love with anyone - he sort of reminds me of that walking disco ball who fell for Bella because he couldn't read her mind (which is a major Duh! since she couldn't have had one). Like, please have a mind that works, for once. Or try to have a personality that makes sense.

After that I managed to finish Maximum Ride: Angel. It was such a painful read I don't even wanna talk about it. But if you'd care for a reflection, you can read it here. Though I have to warn you that it is extremely biased and personal and selfish. And I know that's nothing new for those who know me.

So two months, around three books, I really need to kick myself. That's like what, epic laziness? I figured that I need to do something about it, and I'm doing it. I'm reading. Currently I'm speed-reading the second book of Tunnels, Deeper by Roderick Gordon and Brian Williams. It's a good one. The details, the dialogues, the narration and the character development – I'm satisfied with almost everything about it. So I guess this is going to be a good one.

*takes a deeps breath*

Two months of nothing and a comeback of biased reviews, I hope that would mean something to my readers. I had been through some really hard days; days I don't even wanna remember. I'd gotten involved in messes that might have reduced around ten years of my entire lifespan before I got out of them. I'd pissed some really important people off. I've made some enemies accidentally. I'd necessarily stabbed some people (not in the back, of course). And I have had my heart broken to pieces so small it'll take I don't know what to have it mended (and no, it's NOT a guy).

I won't be gone for so long again, I hope. I'll try hard. For those who waited, thanks a lot. That means so much to me. For the recent followers who got surprised at how random this blog is updated, I'm sorry. I'll try to be around more often.

Now, how is everyone?

Anything new?

I wrote. Click it!

2011-05-21T12:27:00.002+08:00

HERE.

I'm on my way back. You. Wait.

2011-05-07T15:11:00.001+08:00

Seriously.

I sort of, well, forgot that I have a blog. And even if I had remembered it, I wouldn't have been able to write anything.

My heart was broken on the 19th of April. I'm still recovering. But then again, maybe I don't really wanna recover, which explains why I'm still bitter even after so many days. Yeah I don't wanna recover.

I want a payback.

So freaking badly.

And Zarif said, 'Then I'm with you.'

OK. So it's payback.

World, you won't be spending much time waiting.

That, I promise.

I can't believe

2011-04-06T21:02:00.003+08:00

that it's freaking possible to lose a considerable amount of respect towards several people in ONE day.

'I think I know how you feel. You used to look up to him.'

'I really looked up to him.'

* * *

Friend: You ignite fear in some half-sane people, Nani. Some completely sane people, too. Including an old hag. I think you should enjoy being able to do that.

Me: What makes you think I don't?

Aku tak sebut nama siapa-siapa.

2011-03-29T08:07:00.003+08:00

Aku rasa kan, bangsa pendidik yang suka buat program akademik untuk para pelajar sampai budak-budak tak cukup masa rehat, buat homework, bersembang (eh bersembang adalah perlu dalam hidup manusia yang tak punya TV, tahu?), membaca bahan bacaan ringan, tidur dan main chess serta Scrabble ni semua adalah bangsa pendidik yang ego - tak boleh menerima kenyataan bahawa ada sebangsa pelajar yang mampu dapat keputusan cemerlang tanpa suapan yang berlebih-lebihan dari guru-guru.

Aku rasalah.

Dan aku tak sebut nama siapa-siapa.

Kamu banyak makan gula di hati?

Hoh. Confirm kena diabetes di jiwa lepas ni.

23032011

2011-03-25T23:31:00.001+08:00

'Teacher, thank you so much for everything you've done for my son.'

* * *

I love my job like no one understands how.

'I mean I hate you.'

2011-03-23T00:05:00.005+08:00

'I didn't think you'd be heartbroken about it.'

On his face was that wonderful look of guilt.

'I don't think you can even think.'

On mine, was the ugliest nonchalance I could manage.

'I should just apologize.'

That was him. Taking the easy way out.

'No, you shouldn't.'

That was me, brokenhearted.

'Then what should I do to fix things? To fix us?'

He was almost bored.

'I don't want us fixed. We should never have happened.'

'You don't mean that.'

'I mean I hate you.'

But I don't believe in constructive criticism.

2011-03-15T22:20:00.006+08:00

People told me I'm a terrible critic. Frightening and absolutely mean. That I make many things look bad. Books, for instance. See here and here. And TV dramas. See here and here.

Thing is, people, I don't do critiques. I'm not even qualified to do any because I can be downright biased about many things just because I need to piss someone off. I'm selfish. Just like everyone else. And most of the things people refer to as my criticisms were not even close to one. I just happen to express my dislike towards things a little slightly too obtrusively, not sometimes. So it is often that I become the antagonist in so many people's eyes.

But honestly I tell myself insanely destructive things about my own works most of the times. That's why the written journey of Ig and Nina hasn't had any progress since a century ago and for that I profusely apologize! I haven't had any motivation to keep writing about these two people I really love, so as you can see for yourself, the blog is stuffed with virtual cobwebs you could virtually suffocate yourselves there anytime. It's the best place for the grossest way to virtually die. And I apologize to everyone who has been waiting for my chapter 6, truly from the deepest abyss of my heart and I promise to work faster so please don't give up on me!! And yeah, you know I should just go on with this post.

The thing about being opinionated, loud, offensive, and different, my dear readers, is that people tend to see you as someone lofty and imperious. Ask anyone. Ask yourselves.

I ask myself these several times when I read disturbingly negative, but grudgingly agreeable reviews on books I tremendously like; 'What is this feeling? Am I angry because there are many points that I grudgingly agree with, or am I hating the person who wrote this for realizing things I wish I had, earlier?' Most of the times I'd say 'Yes', also grudgingly, to the third the question. Then I'll start forming the image of an officious smart alec behind the reviewer's nickname in my head just for the heck of it, though most of the times, the image looks like me. Which doesn't fix anything, really.

Now, it's not a good feeling when you discover that dark side of yourself. That you can actually hate someone you don't know, for all the wrong reasons. OK fine, 'hate' is a strong word. I'll use 'despise' then. I still find that side of me scary. But at least I don't picture someone else when I'm at it.

I guess I'm sometimes annoyed at people for seeing more sense. But I'd like to believe that I am actually annoyed because I felt immature and stupid. Like you were having a wonderful dream and your mum just boomed through your bedroom door jerking you back to the fact that you were late for school. Or like you were taking a stroll in the park and you saw a hot guy running towards you and as he ran past you, instead of saying Hi! he gave you a slap on the face. Not pretty things to picture? I know. I'm weird like that. I bet some of you are weird like that, too.

So yeah, I'm no critic. And I'm very good at receiving constructive comments or views. On anything. As long as I detect no malice in between the lines. But I don't believe in constructive criticism.

My take on it? It doesn't exist.

Now what about you guys?

What kinds of misconceptions have people ever had about you?

Share with me.

Nani Othman, do you tweet? (LINK UPDATED)

2011-03-06T16:35:00.001+08:00

Yes, I do. Sometimes.

Here.

Regret.

2011-03-03T19:58:00.001+08:00

Annoying Stranger: Ekceli, I don't good in talking English well.

Nani: I can see that.

* * *

Yeah I know. I could have been nicer.

But you did notice the word that comes before the word 'Stranger', right?

So yeah.

Apa salah babi?

2011-02-26T21:29:00.004+08:00

The first thing about my father is his being the luckiest man in the world because his eldest daughter is yours truly. And the second thing about my father is the fact that he used to smoke. Yeah I did write terrible things about smoking and smokers. And I was thinking about my father half the writing time.

I hate smokers. I do. I say insanely hideous things right to their faces. 'Pakcik, why the fuck are you killing yourself? Do you hate God for creating you from earth because you wish to be made from fire? Is that why you're smoking?' Yeah I wish I could say that. But most of the times I just politely say, 'Pakcik, jangan merokok dah tau. Sakit pun dapat, duit pun habis, dosa pun banyak. Kesian famili pakcik. Nanti pakcik mati, siapa nak jaga anak-anak pakcik, kan? Kalau mati serentak satu famili, alhamdulillah, boleh jumpa balik dalam kubur. Tapi, kalau mati dulu, kena libas sorang-sorang. Tak ada teman nak melolong sama-sama.'

So yeah, hate me. These murderers are desperately begging to be spoken to like that, or worse.

Are you one? Don't tell me. I don't wanna hate you.

I can only express my humble gratitude to Allah SWT for saving my father's life. He's up and walking, thank you God. And he hasn't been smoking since he left the ward. For that too, Alhamdulillah sangat-sangat. And you guys, who had been so nice in your comments and wishes and prayers, God bless you.

So let's talk stupidity and double-standard, today. Alright?

I don't get smokers. No I don't. I don't get why they wanna kill themselves. I don't get why they're spending money on something that vanishes into thin air after crapping in their lungs. I don't get why they wanna kill their whole family and everyone else, slowly. The sadism. The insanity. No I don't get them. And I don't get the hypocrisy. THE DOUBLE-STANDARD, people. It just baffles me.

Which hypocrisy exactly am I talking about here?

This one.

Man A : This is London, dude. Don't waste time looking for HALAL logos. We have all the reasons in the world to eat bacon and pork!

Man B : Seriously, mate. You're sick. Babi tu haram, bawak mengucaplah, kawan. Jangan macam ni.

And Man B says that in utter sympathy for his sesat friend - Man A - as he breathes out several puffs of Dunhill.

I mean seriously, people. Babi is haram. Rokok pun haram. And both men are Muslims. But suddenly one can smoke and the other is OK with it, while the other wants to eat pork but the smoker suddenly speaks of haram?

Apa salah babi? Why the double-standard? Dua-dua benda pun haram kan? Jadi kenapa satu dibolehkan (tanpa sebab), satu lagi tak boleh? Babi ada buat dosa apa dengan engkau? Rokok ada bagi apa pada engkau?

Answer me if you want to.

But this is what I believe.

Alang-alang engkau dah suka sangat makan asap haram dan menjahanamkan hidup sendiri, baik engkau makan pork terus. Siap dimasak, boleh makan dengan roti buat sandwich, dan confirm mengenyangkan. Plus, tak ada nikotin masuk buat neraka dalam paru-paru dan jantung engkau. Gigi engkau pun tak bertukar warna serupa dicat dengan najis. Badan engkau pun tak berbau macam manusia malang yang rumahnya terbakar tetapi lupa nak telefon bomba. Dan muka engkau pun tak nampak macam makhluk ngeri yang hampir mati sebentar lagi.

Both are haram. But why choose to damage your body when you can do meat and be merry?

Smokers tak pandai guna otak. They're not good at making choices. At making decisions. And they still won't stop smoking even after realizing that.

A friend said this to me:
Nani, I rasa you terlalu extreme dalam berbahasa, dalam memberi pendapat. Manusia ada sebab sendiri untuk bertindak sebagaimana yang mereka rasa patut. Kalau semua benda mesti diukur dengan agama, kita takkan ada individualiti. Setiap manusia berbeza. Dan bukan semua benda perlu dilihat dari sudut agama. Sometimes, we have to look at it dari pandangan humanity dan acceptance. Kita semua manusia. Tak sempurna.

Dan aku rasa engkau gila, friend. Sorry. Aku memang rasa engkau gila.

Sebab setiap saat hidup kita ada timbangan dosa pahala. Tak ada waktu yang sesuai untuk kita melihat sesuatu perbuatan dengan berlandaskan perkara lain selain Islam. Kata engkau Islam is THE way of life, kan? So why do you go the other way when it comes to smoking? Tolong explain, boleh? Kalau engkau mampulah.

Take your time. I'll wait.

* * *

So hey there, people and wonderful readers!

How are you guys doing?

Pukul 2 pagi tadi

2011-02-18T13:40:00.002+08:00

Maak telefon.

'Hello, Maak,' Aku jawab.

'Nani, tadi Ustaz Manzur telefon. Dia pi kem dengan Ayah bawak budak-budak.'

'Ustaz kata apa?'

'Ayah masuk hospital. Serangan jantung.'

* * *

Masa tu Aku ingat Aku akan rasa macam apa yang Aku selalu baca dalam buku. Masa macam terhenti, jantung tak berdegup tiba-tiba, air mata tumpah tanpa sedar, dunia busy body gila nak berkecai dan whatever jadah shit corny nak mampus punya pengalaman. Rupanya tak. Kantoi kot penulis-penulis buku ni semua tak pernah ada ayah yang masuk ward sebab serangan jantung. Tipu gila apa yang mereka tulis.

Sebab apa yang Aku rasa itu satu benda baru. Perasaan yang engkau, engkau, engkau mahupun ENGKAU tak mampu namakan. Engkau boleh bayangkan ada gunung atas dada engkau? Engkau cuba darabkan beban itu dengan seberapa banyak nombor yang engkau tahu. Sampai hancur kalkulator imaginasi engkau lagi bagus. Itu pun baru sezarah dari apa yang Aku rasa masa itu. Sezarah.

Dahsyat, bukan?

Kamu semua, Aku minta tolong doakan Ayah. Itu saja.

Nanti bila Aku dah mula waras, Aku update. Until then, you guys take care.

Salam.

I pinky promise

2011-02-15T19:29:00.000+08:00

to update my blog after Minggu Aktiviti! I know, I know, I know how TERRIBLE my blog looks, with nothing but old posts and just that. So yeah, after Minggu Aktiviti, OK? And I promise to reply to every comment from everyone! I'm just insanely busy these days, so, you guys be good, alright? Later!

Someone actually made it public that I inspire him. OMG.

2011-02-08T17:25:00.005+08:00

Now why don't you guys check his Youtube channel out?

I meant the above note for people who do not know of this cool friend of mine yet.

Before you die of shame, go.

Haha.

I'll see you guys around later.

And ah, yeah. That's me; smiling at his answer.

What?

I'm normal!

Britney, outgrown.

2011-02-07T21:17:00.006+08:00

People do sometimes ask if I had ever listened to any song sung in English, since most songs I have downloaded are either Japanese or Korean. The reason? I'm Asian. So I pretty much listen to Asian music. I really have nothing against American singers, unlike what many people think (I just think Justin Bieber sucks). But I might have lost the connection to their music. That's all.

I used to listen to lots of English, back then when I was in school, when even Britney Spears' songs had some substance in them (now it's just sex and sex, so I got bored). I listened to tons of Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync, too. And a bit of Westlife. Just a bit. I can't stand musical marshmallows melting in my ears (that's what I think their songs sound like – sweet but too gooey for my liking). I could sing a song or two – or more, without tripping over the lyrics. Sometimes I even sang with my classmates. Those were pretty times.

I guess I grew out of American Pop music. I've outgrown Britney and her used to be snappy dance steps (I was not very much interested in her singing, most of the times she was just nasal, and I'm no fan of nasal) and 'N Sync's beats. Now I listen to W-inds (been a fan of these guys since I was 17), BoA and SHINee though I don't really get what they say even at the best of times. But their music speaks to me. And every song is a language of its own, no? It reaches different people differently; beautifully. So yeah. I don't listen to much English these days. But I believe I still listen to good music.

As far as I can honestly remember my school years, most of my girl friends wanted to be just like Britney. Back then in their eyes, she had everything. She had money, she had fame, a pretty face, a sellable nasal voice and a wonderfully sculpted tummy most of them wished they too had, so they could wear tight, low-cut jeans to freaking Kangar. But we can't stop how people wanna grow up, can we? So now Britney still shows her wonderful tummy (and lots more, you know she does) my guy friends used to drool over; she just doesn't sing innocence anymore. She grew up.

Today when I look at how much I had grown up since those days, I couldn't exactly believe where I am. I used to think my teachers were really cool people, like really cool people. Now that I'm doing what some of them are still doing, their coolness literally rocked my world. Like, literally. They had done SO CRAZY MUCH it's not even funny. I don't know if any of my kids see me the way I used to see my teachers, but I'm not gonna be surprised if they don't. This is, my friends, a crazy hard job to do. And to be likeable while doing it might even be harder.

I grew up, too. I realize that. I used to care about what people might think of me, as if they mattered. I used to wonder if there will ever be one day when I can please everyone. I once even thought money can't buy happiness. And I can't remember ever giving much thought about what I wanted to do after I leave school. TESL just happened because I love English. And teaching happened because I have always loved school. For a path that easy, I have only God to thank.

So here I am. Now. Thank you, Allah;

Britney Spears outgrown, and learning how to make my kids better English speakers and writers. And I'm struggling insanely hard. But this is what I love to do. So struggling or worse, I'll make it through smiling. One day, it will all pay off. I know it will.

Right.

What have you guys outgrown as you grow up?

Do share.

To ALL readers.

2011-02-06T17:40:00.001+08:00

I just need to ask this:

How many of you actually come back to NaniScribbles! after you dropped a comment to read my reply?

Because I reply to EVERY comment. I hope no one feels like, 'Eleh, dia ni tak baca pun komen aku. Nak balas lagilah.'

I repeat, I reply to EVERY comment!

Now answer me.

If you always come back to read my replies, say,

'I!' or 'Saya!' or 'Aku!' in the comment box!

Majlis kawin Teacher Nani. Kot.

2011-02-03T14:18:00.004+08:00

Nani, bila nak majlis?

Majlis apa?

Kawin.

Engkau ingat semua orang kawin hari yang samakah? Just because engkau kawin semasa umur engkau sebaya aku seabad lalu, maka aku pun kena kawin sekarang? Lagi satu aku tak faham kenapa orang-orang macam ni mesti tanya soalan yang sama berkali-kali. Aku kawin bila pun ada kaitan dengan engkaukah? Aku bukan nak ajak engkau datang kenduri aku pun sebab engkau tu annoying. Dan aku pun bukan nak suruh engkau tolong design hantaran, tengok your sense of creativity pun aku nak muntah dah. Aku jugak tak ingat pernah cakap nak pinjam duit engkau buat kawin, jadi aku memang tak faham apa pasal engkau sibuk sangat. Dan biasanya benda yang aku tak faham buat aku meluat. Aku harap engkau jangan drag benda ni sampai aku jadi benci.

* * *

Orang lain jodoh cepat sebab mereka tak memilih.

Eh, psiko. Kawin ni bukan main ikut orang. Aku taktaulah engkau kawin dulu sebab desperate tengok orang kawin dapat peluk laki ke apa, tapi aku bukan macam engkau. Pft. Memang teman hidup kena pilih pun. Kalau engkau rasa cara hidup aku tak betul, itu bukan masalah aku. Aku pun rasa cara hidup engkau tak betul. Tapi tak ada pulak aku spend masa tanya pasal bila anak engkau yang tak berapa nak ada moral tu nak insaf biar sepadan dengan pandangan orang terhadap engkau. Ya lah, engkau mengajar anak orang adab pekerti segala kan? Anak engkau?

* * *

Nani, sepasang manusia yang berkahwin tak semestinya setanding semua segi. Masing-masing ada kekurangan. Kena saling tolerate.

HELLO, ustaz aku ajar istilah sekufu masa aku form 5. Guna otak sebelum bercakaplah lain kali. And oh, please. Tolerate? Bukan engkau dah kawin lama ke? Jadi selama ni engkau tolerate kekurangan laki engkau? LOL. I have news for you, friend. Marriage isn't about tolerating. It's about accepting. It's about loving all of his imperfections because no matter how bad others might see him, he completes you. Kesian laki engkau. Dapat isteri yang tolerate kekurangan dia, sedangkan engkau sepatutnya menerima. Engkau sedar tak yang engkau sendiri pun tak pass lagi bercinta? Nasihat engkau yang loser habis tu tak relevan dengan topik. Loya aku dengar.

* * *

Aku rasa orang yang suka tanya hal kawin orang lain ni kurang sensitiviti, annoying, malas buat kerja hakiki (lesson plan, bahan mengajar etc.), tak bahagia dengan marriage sendiri (sebab tu mereka sibuk nak tahu pasal orang lain, kot-kot aku pun miserable macam mereka juga), rasa diri sendiri bagus tapi mempunyai lifestyle yang membosankan. That's why you never hear these people talk about their lives. They practically have nothing good to share.

* * *

Aku suka gambar untuk entry kali ini.

Kamu suka?

It will end,

2011-01-31T21:05:00.002+08:00

when the year ends - my To Do list.

I had my first MEGA meeting today (that's the name of the school magazine) and it brought me relief that I have a good team to work with. Most of them already know what to do and how to do things, I really don't think I'm gonna have to do much. It's just that, maybe the MEGA Hub needs a makeover. It's extremely dirty and the sight of it could have driven the late Mother Teresa out of her mind. Honestly these kids. I need to work on their sense of interior designing. None of them appeared to have any. But they're really, I mean really, really easy to work with. And they're fun. Kids are always fun. That's why I think you're crazy if you think I'm pretending to enjoy my job.

Anyway, the Buku Program Minggu Silaturahim was done today, and sent to Pakcik Man. He does the mass photocopying job of the college's materials. He's crazy efficient and dedicated, so the 400 copies should be done by tomorrow and I'll crack my knuckles and Kak Su's stapling them together. It's OK Nani, you only have ten insanely migraine-inducing but will be positively memorable months to go. It'll be over in no time.

Seriously, God? You HAVE to help me.

Hm, what else? Oh yeah I now have my own Digsby widget! Right below the blog title. Hehe. I guess this is one way for me to reach out to the silent readers. I think I do have some. I do, right? So yeah, if you don't wanna give out your details and remain anonymous but at the same time you have something to say to me, just yell into my Digsby widget when you see me ONLINE. No worries, because the conversations will always be private. No one's gonna see what you said. *winks* Alright? Silent readers or not, just yell into the widget whenever you want to when you see me ONLINE.

I'll be replying to all comments when I can make time to do more than post an entry like this. I promise. Until then, everyone's gonna have to wait.

Because my life couldn't be more perfect with so many things to do in so little time it's not funny.

You guys take care.

The Perfect Fit. Not.

2011-01-18T19:39:00.003+08:00

"I wish I could go back in time. I would remember to keep both glass slippers on when the clock was screaming twelve. I wish it had not fit when he made me try it on, so I wouldn't have to marry him because my heart had always belonged to you."

Aku tak pandai berbahasa puaka.

2011-01-16T00:51:00.003+08:00

Pada suatu hari, somewhere in the land of the Internet, specifically daerah Facebook, seorang makhluk Allah terperanjat monyet cute kerana ditegur-sapa oleh seorang makhluk Allah yang lain dengan cara sebegini -

Quote: n***!!!aq mncik do cmni,ad mbr lmer tgu lmer glew x aprv2 gk aq,sdh weh ko cmni ngn aq.ko xigt aq ke.ke aq slh org ni.sal gmb ko laki.aq de tye mbr2 lmer sal ko p xde mnde sume lst cntct.ko pkba???

*urut-urut dahi sikit, tarik nafas*

Aku kan, bukannya zalim sangat most of the times. Tapi, kalau engkau kenal aku, engkau tahu statement tersebut dusta semata-mata. OK fine, aku consider diri sendiri boleh tahan mahirlah bab-bab jaga hati orang ni, kadang-kadang. Tapi kalau ada satu perkara lain selepas crappy grammar yang aku memang cannot stand, inilah bendanya - ejaan SMS Puaka Sakit Jiwa Terlepas Dari Wad Gila Dalam Neraka semacam contoh yang aku bagi di atas.

Kau tak cukup jari nak menaip? Atau kau beli PC secara hutang maka keyboard kau dapat sekerat dan ada dua tiga biji key saja? Atau kau memang kudung tangan maka kau menaip dengan dagu? Atau engkau kaya macam nak mati pagi esok jadi engkau guna Facebook berbayar satu huruf tertaip sepuluh ringgit mak bapak engkau kena tanggung - sebab tu engkau bercakap bahasa puaka serupa itu dengan aku?

Aku tak kisah pun sebenarnya spelling singkat macam baju pelakon-pelakon perempuan Melayu naik pentas ambil anugerah, aku still boleh faham kot. Aku pun guna short form untuk reply komen di blog. Tapi kalau ejaan engkau dah macam bikini F*sha S*ndha yang cuba menunjukkan envy, aku rasa aku memang patut buat protes. Sebagaimana aku tak faham what statement of jealousy is being made through the mindless display of her body in a bikini, macam tu jugaklah aku tak faham ejaan psiko miskin huruf yang engkau guna.

Atas sebab itu maka aku pun tulis reply yang selayaknya saja -

Quote: Aku tak faham apa kau tulis. Bye.

Lepas tu aku logout.

Sebab ejaan SMS Puaka Sakit Jiwa Terlepas Dari Wad Gila Dalam Neraka semacam contoh yang aku bagi di atas is memang a major turn off for me.

Now.

Does it piss you off the way it does me?

School has just started.

2011-01-09T20:17:00.001+08:00

And I'm already crazy busy. Haha. The list of things to do started with the initial length of ten miles, and it's growing longer by the second. Journals, essays, oral test prepared dialogues are piling up my desk at school waiting to be marked. I haven't found myself a male lower secondary public speaker to be groomed into a champion. I have not yet dreamed of an inspiration for a drama to be staged during the Language Week (this year it'll be held at MRSM Merbok, Kedah). The 2011 English Unit action plan is not yet done. Do I sound like I'm whining? Cool. I think I am. Heh.

Basically it's a hundred Excaliburs at my throat for the time being and I'm committing theft at the moment (still!?) when I'm supposed to be working on my lesson plans! This is not something I'm proud of, I assure you. So I'll be leaving NaniScribbles! for now. I need to sort so many things out. But I promise to visit all of you when I'm back.

Man.

I'm talking like it's some sort of a goodbye. Pft.

Don't mind me. It's just the hundred Excaliburs at my throat. Hmh.

Take care everyone!

I'll miss you guys a lot!

p/s: Arthur and Gwen FTW! Woohoo!

BOOKAHOLICS ANONYMOUS, u/p: Kak Long.

2011-01-03T18:28:00.002+08:00

1) Buat poster iklankan EC kita ni dulu, Long. Bookaholics Anonymous; exploring magical pages with Teacher Nani/Teacher Aimi (contoh je ni, nak poyo lagi pun boleh). Buh number 1 - 20/25, ikut kemampuan Long nak handle lah. Then lekatkan kat noticeboard. Sape nak join sila tulis nama kat situ. Tak pun bukak kaunter pendaftaran masa hari pendaftaran EC (kalau Kota Putra ade hari pendaftaran EC la).

2) Aktiviti-aktiviti:
a. Membaca seminggu sekali kat Reading Room - (kalau ade) pada hari yang diperuntukkan khas untuk EC. Ingat, English materials only. Kalau bahan bacaan tak cukup, ajak unit kumpul duit pergi beli. Mintak donation bahan-bahan bacaan daripada semua cikgu dan staff. Buat je apa-apa yang patut!

b. Tulis reflective journal in ENGLISH. Satu entry untuk satu buku/article/cerita etc. yang dihabiskan. Galakkan student cantikkan journal. Cover lawa-lawa, entry lawa-lawa, kaler-kaler, lekat-lekat gambar. Sebagai motivation kepada student, kita sebagai penyelaras pun mesti ada satu untuk show off kat budak.

c. Kemas Reading Room every time habis session. Wajib.

d. Kalau Reading Room huduh, hiaskan cantik-cantik. Wajib.

e. OK, ni yang paling BEST ni. Plan a trip (or more) to bookstore yang best-best dan besar-besar macam Borders (dengar cerita Borders habis tutup kat US sebab recession, sedih gila), Popular, MPH dan Kinokuniya (kalau Pengetua bagi la). Kirenye students mestilah mengumpul wang untuk trip ni. Kalau ade kedai buku second-hand lagi bagus! Sesuailah dengan budak-budak yang baru nak mengumpul buku.

f. Kumpul duit untuk print sijil berwarna-warni. Maktab confirm taknak buang duit bagi sijil kaler-kaler ni. Kita lah yang kena buat. Tapi ni optional la. Long taknak takpe. Nani nak. Haha.

3. Untuk pesta EC, jom ajak budak-budak buat bookmarks untuk dijual. Ha, ape macam?

Cadangan lain? Masuk kotak komen.

Warna-warna 2011 Teacher Nani.

2011-01-01T22:02:00.008+08:00

1) Three form 5 classes to prepare for 1119 SPM (I'm the batch coordinator, nga!).

2) MEGA (the school magazine) 26th edition to work on.

3) Another 20 young innovators to facilitate.

4) 11 Homeroom kids induced with crazy hormones
(because they'll be sitting for PMR 2011).

5) 25 members of the BEST Performers and some new projects.

6) Three public speakers to coach. We MUST win Kebangsaan this year!

7) Pesta SEM. Ya. Itu dia.

8) Three form 5 classes to prepare for SPM (this is very important,
tu pasal I ulang).

9) One form 4 class.

10) Lots and lots and lots of FUN!!

Ha, itu baru yang atas kertas. Belum lagi masuk perkara-perkara sampingan (yang I sendiri tak sanggup nak bayangkan; kerja I memang unpredictable! Haha).

So, a Happy New Year to everyone reading this. Hehe.

Now, what about you?

What are the colors of your 2011?

Dan aku lagi pandai BM daripada cikgu BM kau.

2010-12-31T05:20:00.009+08:00

Kau kata kau Melayu hebat layak bangga sampai mati, sebab kau:
Makan belacan.
Anti tahyul.
Benci English.
Pandai mencarut.
Angau kat Tiz Z*kiah, or however you spell her name.

Kau jugak kata aku Melayu tak sedar diri baik takde kat dunia ni, sebab aku:
Tak makan belacan.
Blog in English and thus hina bangsa aku (kau nak mati sangat dah?).
Baca Harry Potter.
Sarcasm tajam kau tak faham (kau yang bodoh, salah aku pulak).
Suka tengok cerita tahyul bertajuk Merlin.

Aku kata:
Atok engkaulah, pondan. Aku makan je sambal belacan. Aku reti jugak mencarut. Tapi aku sarcastic, aku suka English, aku akan kahwin dengan Bradley James sambil terus meluat kat Tiz Z*akiah. Dan aku lagi pandai BM daripada cikgu BM kau.

Pandai BM tak ada dalam spec yang kau bagi. Padahal itu bahasa rasmi bangsa aku, bangsa kau.

So where the hell EXACTLY do I fit in your black and white definition of either Melayu?

* * *

Ni aku nak tanya, kamu semua sedar tak yang sebenarnya ada lagi manusia judgmental sakit jiwa macam ni dalam masyarakat kita? Aku ingat habis pupus dah!

I'm thankful. Really.

2010-12-29T19:03:00.011+08:00

Last night I had a conversation with Eric and Mr. Faisal, regarding a bunch of people (or maybe just a few), who were saying terrible things about me on a blog. Most of them were, well, baseless accusations. They simply picked up some other nameless people's comments and told each other I wrote them, and then be happy about it. Like what the hell? Public display of imbecility. That's what it is. I didn't say anything in defense of myself, though. Because I did nothing wrong.

The stupidity of the whole thing did baffle me for a while (it was almost unbelievable). But that was all. I have not much to say about the situation. Just that, people say what they want, people believe what they want. So, I'll do the same. I believe all the retarded hate comments towards me and blogger Breakeven were written by just one person, who thinks he's a little above everyone else because he's an Anonymous. Which was pitiful. And I'll say, may you live long enough for us to meet just so can apologize to me; personally, for the downright lies you told. Oh, just to keep your mind (if you have one) at rest, I have already forgiven you. I waste no space in my heart for negative feelings, unlike some people. But that's my part. Yours is not yet done. Now live with it. Happily, I hope.

Mr. Faisal was wonderfully supportive. I was a little worried having my name being used that way. But he was around to widen the perspective, revealing to me what kind of person I am and what kind of people they are. That I don't have to be shocked at how stupid people can be. That some people need to get their kicks by lying about others. Then I remembered that stupidity is contagious, so I need not care about the whole matter. Besides, none of them mad claimers have anything to do with my personal life. Insignificant, and having nothing to be proud of as a person. Thus the name Anonymous. Not a wonder at all. So thanks, Mr. Faisal. You're a great friend.

Now, Eric Constantine is a superhero I couldn't thank God enough for. One of the coolest Christian friends I have. He reminded me of patience, perseverance and honesty. Things I had almost forgotten in the midst of surprise (I mean come on, seriously, wouldn't you be surprised when you're as good in English as I am, and someone who has not a single clue on what English is tells you that your English is terrible?) But that was a good one. I had to laugh. Honestly, some people tried really hard to be funny. So I laughed. Poor guy.

And Eric reminded me of forgiveness, too. That it's OK to just forgive people and get on with your life.

'I guess I appeared at the right hour,' he said. At that, I was humbled.

You know what, Eric, you really did. Because when I saw your name last night I recalled that some years ago you once told me, 'Nani-chan, abunai desu yo!' Nani-chan, be careful! Haha. I think I'll remember that for the rest of my life. You're cool Eric. Thanks. I'm proud to be your friend.

Alright.

Speaking of being proud, I made a new friend last night. I guess something good did come out of the bad thing that happened; the blogger Breakeven. She reminds me of my Kak Imm. The way she thinks and answers my questions. And the way she reacts to some statements, too, sometimes. Hehe. I'm happy.

What happened is just a part of my past. There's a reason why some people will never make it into my future; they're sore losers. There's also a reason why some people should just stay where they are and remain Anonymous for the rest of their miserable lives: they're meaningless.

Oh. School's starting in 3 days. I can't wait to see my kids. I miss verbal vocab-juggling with them. I miss their smiling faces. I miss how youthful being around them makes me feel (not that I'm ancient, mind you). I miss the intensity of teaching. I miss my job. Hehe.

So I have a crazy wonderful life.

And I understand fully, if you are envious of it.

I am starting

2010-12-26T19:53:00.004+08:00

on THIS and some more~!!

So I'll be off the internet for a while.

School's starting in a few days. I need to finish at least 5 more books.

See you around!

* * *

UPDATE: On second thought, maybe I'm not gonna start reading this, yet. I don't have the first three books on Tiffany Aching; The Wee Free Men, A Hat Full of Sky an Wintersmith. Pft.

I might marry

2010-12-25T04:45:00.005+08:00

the single, mature, pleasant-looking, proficient in English man who would buy me these. I might. Like, really might. OMG please I'm gonna die!! I want these SO badly! OK, fine I admit - Merlin (TV) did re-trigger that Round Table/Sword in the Stone madness I used to have when I was younger. But it doesn't matter.

At all.

I simply need these. Or I'll start killing people soon.

OMG someone please help me!

EVERYTHING.

2010-12-25T00:59:00.001+08:00

When I was 5, I kinda thought money buys everything.

Now at 25, I know it does.

But then again, so what if it does?

What will I buy when almost everything worth having in the world

is being destroyed?

OK, fine. I did watch Glee.

2010-12-22T15:00:00.008+08:00

And it's overrated. Could even be one of the most overrated shows in the history of TV, IMO. I don't know. I don't TV much lately. I can't say much. But it seems overrated. Very.

OK so I watched Glee. I did. The first 13 episodes. I can say only this: It's corny as hell. Corny. As. Hell. Rachel Berry must be the most annoying character (who gets all the solos) ever appeared on TV. The lip-syncing of literally EVERYONE in it just sucks. Finn could be the biggest loser ever, but two girls want him. Will is too mild - boring, but more girls want him. Terri - OK, you know what, let's not even go longer than that about 'Why Glee is not really all that'. I'm not in the mood.

But hey, if there's a reason for anyone at all to watch Glee, she's here. Jane Lynch. She plays Sue Sylvester in Glee. She's evil, and she isn't hiding it. She has this series of crazy-hilarious quotes you could just LOL over, she's crazy-fiercely competitive, and she's Jane Lynch. Haha. Sue's got to be one of the smartest characters on TV these days, you gotta give it to her. She's the best reason to watch Glee. She's my only reason for putting up with Glee. Hehe.

What about you guys? Anyone here a Glee fan?

"You'll be adding revenge to the long list of things you're no good at, right next to being married, running a high school Glee Club and finding a hairstyle that doesn't look like a lesbian." -Sue to Will (S1, ep13)

Man. LOL!

So I'm posting. So I'm posting.

2010-12-21T16:11:00.007+08:00

OK I admit I haven't been writing much. Not that I think I'm missed or anything. I just thought this insane Bradley James sickness should take a pause. It really, really should. I've been sleeping late watching and listening to his interviews, scavenging for his pictures in DA and all over Google and Tumblr, re-watching Merlin just to look at and listen to him, re-playing both seasons soundtracks non-stop (if Pan could have sore throat, he'd die of excessive MerlinOST-ing), so yeah I think these should come to a stop (for a while). And of course (OF COURSE!) it had been several days of unproductiveness; I still have a few more books to finish, so really. THESE. SHOULD. STOP. Alright. So I'm posting. So I'm posting.

Right, although some might think this Bradley James fever could be bad, the previous post did make something good happen. I got myself a new friend! Hehe. He's called Jacob Gargus, and his blog can be accessed HERE. He's a sixteen-year-old student from Kansas. And personally I think he's cool, a good conversationalist – he really could get the conversation going, what with his being 16 and my being 25. But then again, I'm still very young at heart, so I guess I was quite good as well, hehe.

Oh, he thought I was born in the States and moved to Malaysia to teach – huhu, compliment accepted, Jacob. Compliment accepted. And since he's also interested in learning about other religions, there was a small talk about Islam last night, which was refreshing. Good to know that some people aren't ignorant. Great to know that some people do know how to respect others' beliefs. Wonderful to know that some people can be mature beyond their age.

Speaking of which, I felt silly for publishing the previous post (not that I'm taking it down or anything) – it was rather immature, what I wrote. But I needed to let things out, so the post is there to stay. It is there to stay. And since this fever isn't going away so easily (I can tell), I've finally started posting on my Tumblelog, venting my childish infatuation in spasms of Arthur+Gwen reblogs there; so you don't have to worry about having to read any more of my Bradley James craziness here. Hehe.

Oh, it's been there since last year. I had just started to post in it 2 days ago.

You can call that an escapism blog, a place where I escape to from writing long ramblings, where I could just write a few lines and photospam all I want.

You wanna see it? HERE.

Sorry for the Arthur+Gwen post marathon – it's my current madness. I'll try to get it fixed. OK I lied. I won't. Heh. Everyone is entitled to a little kick once in a while, no?

Now.

Anyone here on Tumblr? Do invite me to yours!

Hot. And he knows it.
(Picture courtesy of Tumblr)

Heart status: STOLEN.

2010-12-17T03:50:00.006+08:00

And I don't think I'd want it returned.

It's yours, Bradley James. Keep it.

Arthur: Is what I want really that insane?

Gwen: Yes, Arthur.

Arthur: Then I'm happy being insane.

HERE

* * *

OMG MY HEART. *breathes* Wait. What's breathing again?

Alright. Enough spasm. I just want everyone to know that I am destined to marry Bradley James. I am destined to marry Bradley James. I am destined to marry Bradley James. I know this sounds insanely childish, what with the crazy (but true, nevertheless) statement being written three times (I could have written it a hundred times but it would sound the same, so), but I'm in that mood now so you'd do best not saying anything nasty about it. I don't need you to. I am, after all, destined to marry Bradley James. (Yes. I. Am. Besotted. Happy?)

Anyone here a Merlin addict?

Chapter 5 (perhaps): 'Happy Twenty-five, Nina.'

2010-12-12T16:39:00.001+08:00

Ig could have been a huge part of my world, given all the wonderful things about him and how he made me feel really important every time we were together. It was the small things that he did. Like asking for my personal, mean comments on a book he wanted to buy and seriously considering them before paying, or telling me how terrible his day at work had been as he laughed all the distress away, or calling me as he was about to leave the office to let me know that he was only ten minutes away to our once-a-fortnight dinner. And there were also the big things. Like how he never called for years because he knew I would cry if he did, or how he could make me cry in so many other ways – one of them by being honest about his feelings.

For another girl.

Man.

There were many things, and matters in the world that I wished I could understand. For the moment, I was trying to comprehend the reason of my not breaking his nose right after he said, 'I love you' followed by, 'I told her last night', after a few pointless, shooting-my-hope-to-the-stars seconds. Maybe I did not want to look like a jealous idiot.

God, it was utterly heartbreaking, seeing him there smiling and being happy when the storm in me was threatening to destroy the world (starting with the girl, of course) and everything in it, except him. I know that was annoying. But bear with me, please.

It wasn't anger. It wasn't jealousy. It was the famous plain, unpainted heartbreak. Like the whole world was yanked away from right under my feet. Like something that used to be sharp but now rusty and jagged being drove through the heart and instead of dying of it, you had to live with it. Disappointment. And it was way beyond crazy.

The only sane respond I could come up with was, 'That's great!' with the best I'm-not-gonna-cry smile on my face. I know, that you know how awful that sounded. I was lying, and it happened to be something I had always been very good at. Not that I'm proud of it. But unlike the countless ones I had told, this one was one of the hardest, the most painful. Because I was being stupid. And I hate being stupid.

'I know. You should have heard how she reacted to that. She was, I don't know, cute?' He smiled and leaned a little into the nearest shelf, and sighed. Boy, he was crazy in love.

I wasn't really listening, though. I looked around at the world of books around us, shelved neatly according to their genres. I tried to find tranquil in the sight, book spines adorned with gold and silver letterings ran in a straight line on every levels of the shelves, people reading King, Gaiman and Archer on the carpet as they leaned against the wall, small kids taking their first steps into the world of the pages with Rapunzel, Thumbelina and the Little Mermaid and the queue at the counter, where people stood in a line with books in their arms waiting to own the titles. On normal days, those would have brought peace to me. But not today. The storm was not going to stop raging anytime soon. My mind confirmed it.

I was thinking of dozens of ways to make him leave the girl. Dozens of deceitful ways no one would be proud of ever coming up with. I wasn't proud of them. But I couldn't stop planning them, and that was hideous. I was hideous. I didn't know who she was, and it wasn't like I was interested – I didn't even want to know her name. I just –

'She said I can call her Dewi,' he had to add. Oh God.

It would have been a great comfort if my fist connected with his jaw right then. He wasn't going to expect it. But I wasn't going to be a coveted idiot. Although I didn’t know how much there was left of the idiocy in me that wasn't filled with jealousy. If it was olfactible, I was monstrously reeking with it. That much I knew.

'Oh,' was all I could say. The wells in my eyes were almost spilling and that made me really angry at myself. I took a copy of Priestley's Tales of Terror from the Tunnel's Mouth and turned to look at him. 'Hey, I got something I like. You're getting this for my birthday,' I said, forcing a smile. I was beginning to dislike the dishonest me. She was ugly.

'Only one?' he asked, completely switching from the Crazy In Love Ig to My Best Friend Ig. That was one of the things. One of the big things he did. He knew when to stop hurting me. He just didn't know, or never noticed that he was.

'Yeah. I have a whole mansion to read back at the Clayr,' I replied.

He raised a brow and looked at the shelf. Well actually he was searching the shelf. He had the sweetest look on his face when he did that. So I forgave him for Dewi. I forgave him completely. But the pain lingered, and I knew there would be problems, soon.

'Here,' he said as he handed me a book. 'Priestley is something you want . This is something I want you to have,' he added. 'Looks promising.'

I couldn't wait much longer. I might burst. So I said 'OK', took the book and walked hastily towards the queue. I didn't think it would be so hard, to actually look normal when he talked about someone else. I didn't know that it was almost impossible. And what was with that bullshit about loving someone and letting him go because love was supposed to be a stupid butterfly that flies to you when you least expect it? I was losing it. I really was.

The person in front of me was done paying. He took away two large paper bags filled with books and whistled as he walked out. He was happy that he had books. I wished I could be happy that I was going to get books. But it was not so simple anymore. Because there was Ig, and he loved a Dewi. And there was me, and I liked him too much for my own good.

Ig took the two titles from me and paid. Looking happy and expecting me to be too, he handed me the paper bag. 'Happy Twenty-five, Nina,' he said.

I smiled in return of the gifts, wishing that the moment would at least last for a few more minutes. But his mobile phone had to ring and he had to leave because the people at his office had to call. The main server of the building just had to crash today, on my birthday.

'It's OK,' I said, before he could apologize. I didn't want him to. 'Call me tomorrow.'

He smiled. 'And you'll shed some light on Priestley's Tales of Terror?'

'I might even shed some shadow if you want,' I replied.

'OK,' he said, grinning. 'Be safe.'

'I will. Assalamualaikum.'

'Waalaikumussalam.'

I watched as he vanished into the sea of walking people in the mall. I sighed.

I suddenly thought of the book he picked for me. I didn't even bother to look at it when he took it from the shelf. But now I was curious. My hand went into the bag I was holding, and I took out the thicker of the two books.

As I look at the cover, I let out another sigh.

The Fairy Godmother, by Mercedes Lackey.

Maybe I really needed one.

Currently,

2010-12-01T02:00:00.003+08:00

I'm reading this.

*keyboard basah*

Sorry. Can't help drooling.

The gorgeousness!

*faints*

Hardcover. From London. Sudah berbalut plastik.

Would you just look at the gold letterings on the spine!? The pointy tail of the letter S at the end of Bartimaeus' name? Man. That's awesomeness. Seriously.

Menurut maak, she went looking for this and my Silmarillion in six bookstores. Six! They were either sold out, or were simply not there. I was almost frustrated. Almost.

Di kedai buku kelima sebelum this book berjaya dibeli;

Maak: Excuse me, do you have The Ring of Solomon, by Jonathan Stroud and The Silmarillion by Tolkien?
Madam di kaunter: Oh, sorry madam. These books can only be obtained in London. From *I forgot the name of the place*, it's a seven-minute walk to the *I forgot the name of the bookstore*.

And so that was where my mother went. This copy of mine was reserved for someone else who didn't come for it. Some luck. Maak got them, paid, and rushed for the flight home.

Kamu semua patut dengar emak I ajuk ayat perempuan sopan di kaunter terbabit. Haha. Sungguh menawan hati sekali bunyinya.

And the first chapter was already so funny it slowed my reading speed because I couldn't stop laughing. You should get to know Bartimaeus. He's one in a million, and that's an understatement.

Here's a bit for my readers. One of my favourite parts, so far:

"What brought me to your attention tonight, great Master? The ease with which I slew the giant of Mount Lebanon? The zeal with which I put the Canaanite rebels to flight? Or just my general reputation?"

The old man scratched his nose. "None of that; rather it was your behaviour last night, when the watch-imps observed you in the form of a mandrill swaggering through the undergrowth below the Sheep Gate, singing lewd songs about King Solomon and loudly extolling your own magnificence."

The maiden gave a surly shrug. "Might not have been me."

"The words 'Bartimaeus is best', repeated at tedious length, suggest otherwise."

"Well, all right. So I'd had too many mites at supper. No harm done."

"No harm? The Watch reported it to their supervisor, who reported it to me. I reported it to High Magician Hiram, and I believe it has since come to the ears of the king himself." His face became all prim and starchy. "He is not pleased."

I blew out my cheeks. "Can't he tell me so in person?"

- BARTIMAEUS: The Ring of Solomon, page 5.

I couldn't help myself. I LOLed as I rolled in bed. Oh my God, come on. I thought I was offensive. Honestly? That level of comedic insolence? A+. Man. I missed my Bartimaeus times. Insanely. Those. Were the days.

*beams* Now this book is mine. I could go back to my not-yet-gone-youth to fall in love with him all over again. And none of you could ever know how happy I am. Hehe.

Hm.

What have you been reading lately?

I am in need

2010-11-28T02:56:00.002+08:00

of these.

*SCREAMS HYSTERICALLY*

OK, I know. I know. I haven't even started on Bartimaeus and now I'm screaming for new titles already. What a horrible person this Nani Othman is, isn't she? But please, would you just look at them covers!

I am literally drooling. Man.

Hey, do I have a secret admirer? Can you get these for me; if you exist?

* * *

Anyway, what's everyone else's latest craze?

I am now Formspringing.

2010-11-27T11:58:00.002+08:00

Click HERE.

And let's get connected!

Or you could just scroll to the bottom
of the page, left-hand column.

So teaching is your LAST choice, no?

2010-11-19T23:02:00.005+08:00

Been a while since I last scribbled here. I was occupied with things I wish to not share with my readers because they'd definitely bore you. Grammar stuff. Writing stuff. Not everyone's cup of tea. I know. We'll skip that. Don't worry.

I need to let of some steam now. Emo fags can leave. Awesome people, stay (if you want).

A few days ago I got pissed (You: Nice way to start a post). If you're a frequenter of my ramblings you'd realize this. It's not easy to piss me off, and I piss people off really easily. But there were exceptional moments in which there were exceptional issues, I get pissed. Really pissed.

'Aku kalau tak dapat kerja lain, aku apply lah jadi cikgu. Jadi cikgu ni last choice aku lah,' was the shitty statement that pissed me off some days ago. I mean really, last choice? The way some people think TOO highly of themselves amazes me sometimes. Note to self: I should stop thinking too highly of myself, too. I must have been pissing SO many people already. Ish.

So teaching is a noble profession. It accepts people with even the sick above mentality into its elite circle of educators who have always wanted to teach, to make a change. Really man, who in heaven are you to have the right to claim ANY job on earth to be your last choice? Where did that demeaning statement come from? Kepala engkau jadi besar gila tiba-tiba sebab engkau ada degree urban planning (walaupun engkau taktau pun apa benda engkau belajar selama 4 tahun tu)?

Now, I'm not apologizing for this: These people are a bunch of morons who actually believed that they're doing the education system a favor by filling in the posts as teachers – while at the same time proudly proclaiming that, 'Kalau aku dapat kerja lain, aku tak mintak jadi cikgu.' These kind of sick-minded people; idiots, DISGUST me. Big time. Gila annoying ah orang macam ini. Perasan tahap tinggi punya disgusting.

If you're one of these people, what in the burning hell actually made you think that there's even ONE of us who chose this profession as our first had EVER wanted YOU to be one of US (even if you're the last living thing on earth and the world will end if you don't become a teacher)? We teachers have witnessed enough garbage that came into schools (because their degrees aren't getting them the right jobs) bringing nothing but ruin with them. Semuanya sebab teaching was their last choice. We don't want you here. We never did.

Your degrading statement, keep it to yourself. It's ugly you know, being desperate and jobless and seeking pity from a system you so fucktardingly claimed to be your last resort when the truth is - as most of us know – it had always been your only choice ever, because it's the only forgiving one ever. It's the only profession on earth that accepts people like you – who had nothing but a degree that just won't get you any job (because well, you have your own reasons, don't you?). The only one that gives chances to people to change and become more than they thought they could. But some people just don't learn. While some just won't.

Since when did the education system become a dumpster of people who squeezed through engineering, architecture, programming, networking etc, with this huge-ass stupid way of thinking along the way; It's OK to be small as long as you have a job? Seriously, dude. If you think we're small, you shouldn't be here. You really shouldn't.

If you're not since the beginning, at all, teacher material – do something else. Don’t teach. It's frustrating seeing people who are not meant for the job struggling with it. Terrible sight. I feel the insane urge to break their noses everytime they whine about how this job isn't for them and they're doing it anyway so the kids better appreciate them. Like seriously man, you have to be freaking mentally disturbed to actually have the nerve to say something like that. And like seriously too, man, unless you haven't heard; teaching isn't really for everyone.

Pft.

I'm sorry if this came as a shock to some of you. I needed a place to vent my negative charges off, and I hate to get all emo-bapuk-ish on my FB wall. So here I am. Heh. Itu belum I mengamuk kes orang-orang yang perasan layak jadi cikgu English just because they blog in (crappy) English. I hope I won't ever have to. Haha. Gila jahat statement terbabit. Tiba-tiba pulak. XD

How's everyone by the way?

Making marks

2010-11-09T19:43:00.000+08:00

on the students' answer scripts is hard, treacherous work. I won't be able to write anything anytime soon. But I will be back.

Yes. It's hard, treacherous work.

And I love my job.

What makes you beautiful?

2010-11-07T15:03:00.005+08:00

A beautiful person isn't necessarily a woman. Men can be beautiful, too - 'My husband is a beautiful person. He makes me laugh at the worst of times,' said a friend. 'I'm beautiful because I love you,' was a text from a friend's boyfriend. And, 'My father is beautiful. He told me I'm the best kid anyone could ever have. I thank God for giving me the best Dad in the world,' was an ending from a student's essay about his father.

I believe that to be beautiful is a choice anyone can make. And since beauty is subjective to almost everyone – you should be able to define beauty easily. You should be able to answer anyone who asks, 'What makes you beautiful?' easily, too. Like I do. Hehe.

What makes you beautiful doesn't necessarily make others look better, nor does it go the other way round. Nobody decides whether you're beautiful or not or what being beautiful really means. It's a personal choice. And no one should make it for you.

I believe I'm beautiful because I'm always thankful that I'm a Muslim, I'm thankful that I'm given countless chances to do good, I don't try to become someone else, I'm fun (you bet I am), I love my family, I appreciate arts, I love easily, I have a terribly soft spot for animals especially cats, I don't tend to lie about how I feel about anything, I'm honest, I'm insanely dedicated to my job, I'm realistic, I'm creative, I'm able to laugh at myself and learn from my mistakes (even the painful ones), I don't fake my smiles (though I can effortlessly fake my tears), I don't fake empathy, I don't keep grudges, I apologize right away when I make mistakes, I forgive everyone and everything everyday, I don't regret the past, I love my students, I love my job, I read like I'm possessed, I write like I'm exorcizing, I draw like I've never heard of cameras, I can befriend almost anyone - and I could go on for another mile or two of what makes me beautifuls, but I don't think that'd be necessary. I think you get me already. *winks*

Now you decide. Like I said, it's a choice everyone should be able to make, easily.

* * *

So, what makes YOU beautiful?

Answers in the comment box. Come on.

A quarter-century-old me. Hehe.

2010-11-05T08:49:00.003+08:00

My sister made this. =) Hehe. I had smiled the widest. Well, I'm still smiling the widest.

Now I'm waiting for YOUR wishes.

Laporan Khas: Banjir di rumah Cik Nani II.

2010-11-03T21:29:00.001+08:00

Semasa Cik Nani sibuk prepare nak masak sebentar tadi, bekalan elektrik telah muncul secara tiba-tiba. Yeah, I'd been off the 'net for more than 24-hours, which amazed me. Haha. It was such a nuisance, being electricity-less. I couldn't read at night, (Aku dah kata guru bukan lilin. Ada lagi munyit-munyit yang tak percaya)! Anyway, here are the updates.

Sebenarnya dalam setengah jam selepas entry sebelum ini menjejak langkah ke internet, bekalan elektrik telah terputus ekoran sebuah backhoe somewhere yang telah membuat lintas langsung secara gelojoh sampai mencederakan salah satu kabel bekalan utama negeri ini (mengikut sumber yang mesti dipercayai).

Tidak berapa lama kemudian, paras air pula semakin naik secara menakutkan. Sumber misteri tersebut juga telah meng-confirm-kan bahawa banjir kali ini lebih besar daripada banjir legenda tahun 2005. Maka Cik Nani telah mengalami sengsara jiwa secara dahsyat kerana terpaksa berlilin keseorangan sepanjang malam dalam ketakutan (kot-kot air naik sampai ke dalam rumah). Oh, the horror! Tiba-tiba bateri mobile phone beliau turut kekeringan tenaga. Lalu bermulalah 30 jam pertama dalam hidup Cik Nani tanpa elektrik. You don't wanna hear about it. I swear.

Berita-berita dan update-update ngeri diterima dari seluruh negeri melalui mobile phone. Antara yang terawal:

1) 'Nani, you tau dak, kat Kangar dah separas pinggang! I takut lintah!'
2) 'Teacher, how? Rumah you masuk air tak? Rumah I dah sekaki. OMG.'
3) 'Babe, kat Arau dah takat dada ni. I dah gaya bebas. You?'
4) 'Nani, I rasa esok you tak boleh pegi sekolah lagi ni. Semua jalan ke Beseri dah tutup.'
5) 'Nani, hari ni saje dah sebelas sekolah tutup.'

Cik Nani pun mestilah takmau kalah. Takkanlah mereka ini saja boleh buat drama swasta dalam SMS, kan? So, I pun hantarlah reply-reply ngeri tak tercapai akal mereka semua sementara bateri mobile phone I masih bersisa nyawa. Semua reply di bawah mengikut turutan SMS yang diterima di atas ya tuan-tuan dan puan-puan.

1) 'Jalan Kaki Bukit dah paras peha ni. Backhoe lalu pun tersedak, you tau?'
2) 'Rumah Teacher tinggi. Air tak masuk la lagi. Tapi kalau keluar pagar je dah boleh swimming.'
3) 'I gaya sakit jiwa sebab tak boleh Facebook.'
4) 'OMG. Students I nak SPM!!'
5) 'Wow. Harap-harap air cepat surut. Ramai cacing dah tersadai mati kering kat porch kereta I ni.'

Baik. Floods are not fun. I repeat, not fun. Read on, PLEASE: My cats couldn't go out to play. They were spooked at the size of the pool around the house and spent the rest of the day inside being moody (you could have seen Bob! and Bubu being moody. I could have died [laughing]). Earthworms the size of Optimus Prime were trying to conquer my car porch. God I almost lost it! Rubbish from the other side of the world being swept into my lawn. Buah kelapa tua melintas jalan beramai-ramai, which was such a disturbing sight. Selipar buruk dan baru, baldi pecah, periuk hangit, kotak peti ais Panasonic bapak besar, papan tanda oren: AWAS Kawasan Banjir Di Hadapan (it was so ironic I had to laugh), dan Pampers terpakai pun turut hanyut melintas jalan. Gangguan jiwa you know, watching all that! Lagi, kambing-kambing dicampak naik ke atas bumbung rumah, by the people who live at the lower grounds. I don't like goats at the best of times. But seeing how them kids threw them up the roofs, I could almost feel sorry for them. Gila menangis semua kambing terbabit. Kesian. And then leeches the size of Megatron were swimming right outside my front gate like they f*cking OWN the pool. God, it was one of the most disgusting things I had ever seen. Worst, since I have this insane dislike towards them legless creatures. And more rubbish. Lots and lots of rubbish. Man. It was crazy.

Seriously. I don't like floods. Enough said.

As this is being typed, air sudah surut agak-agak setengah kaki. But for us stranded souls, that's more than good news already. I hope things will get better, soon! Now, pictures.

CLICK HERE.

* * *

This is my first flood experience. I don't fancy it. I pray for it to never happen again. Maak kata, 'Ini baru Allah bagi air, Nani. Belum lagi Allah bagi api.' Dalam hati Cik Nani, beliau thankful sangat-sangat.

Now, how are you people?

Laporan Khas: Banjir di rumah Cik Nani. Mari tengok gambar.

2010-11-02T10:37:00.002+08:00

Akhirnya banjir telah tiba. Perkara yang Nani takuti sejak semalam terjadi juga pada hari ini. Hujan tak berhenti turun sejak hari Sabtu. Maka Nani telah menjadi mewah secara tiba-tiba. Kini rumah I berada di tengah-tengah tasik. See for yourselves. J. K. Rowling punya kaya pun tak nampu beli rumah di tengah tasik macam I. Anyway, jemput tengok gambar yang baru diambil pagi tadi. Sila klik gambar tersebut untuk melihatnya secara besar.

Update: I baru dapat laporan dari kawan I. Di Kangar, air sudah separas pinggang.

Nota 1: Gambar tidak mengikut apa-apa format susunan. Merambang semata-mata. Haha. Oh, semua gambar diambil tanpa keluar dari kawasan rumah. Nani takut.

Nota 2: Semasa semua gambar ini sedang di-upload, pokok mata kucing Maak I dah tenggelam separas lutut. Kasihan beliau.

Syarikat Awanis seberang jalan dari rumah I. Kini di tepi sungai.

No comment.

I sedang berdiri di atas kerusi batu semasa gambar ini diambil.

Ni rumah jiran sebelah rumah I. Boleh bela ikan dah tepi kerusi dia.

Pokok jejawi rumah I. Dah paras lutut dia air naik.

Si cacing yang rumahnya sudah confirm ditenggelami air.

Ni depan rumah I. Air tak naik porch kereta I lagi. Alhamdulillah.

Anak-beranak melihat air bersama-sama.

Ni lah masanya nak berdiri di tengah jalan tanpa dilanggar lori.

Enjin engkau power, bolehlah engkau buat lintas langsung

tanpa sangkut sana-sini depan rumah aku kan?

Ha, muncul pun perkara yang selama ini cuma boleh dilihat di TV!

(Tapi bila sampai depan Syarikat Awanis, pasukan penyelamat ni

tersangkut pula. Jenuh orang kiri-kanan menolak.

Rupanya mereka pun perlu diselamatkan juga,

kadang-kadang, hehe.)

Depan rumah I. Sungai kot. Haha. Boleh kuak lentang dah.

Ni pulak rumah jiran depan I. Tayar pun dah nyawa-nyawa ikan.

Ha, ni jalan keluar dari rumah I. Nampak tembok parit yang dua tu?

Parit tu kalau adik I yang tinggi tu turun pun dah paras leher beliau.

Sekarang parit tersebut berada di BAWAH paras air.

Tembok yang dua tu pun tinggal sikit saja lagi.

You boleh bayanglah I takut macam mana, kan?

Jalan besar depan rumah I.
More like tasik bapak besar keliling rumah I.

Sekeliling rumah jiran depan I.

Longkang keliling rumah I sebelah luar pagar. Ngeri.

No comment.

Longkang rumah I yang dah mula semput.

* * *

Banyak lagi gambar I nak kongsi. Tapi, ini pun dah cukup banyak I rasa. Hehe. Let us all pray for the best out of this flood. Let us all become better people. Tabah menghadapi segala macam ujian.

Comments?

Riordan's Lost Hero MUST wait, for

2010-10-29T16:02:00.001+08:00

THIS HAS FINALLY HIT MALAYSIAN BOOKSTORES!!!

Thanks Mr. Kok Sen Wai for the info. I almost died. Of excitement!

OH. MY. GOD. Please. I need someone to buy this for me. I can't go to any bookstore anytime soon, and I really, really need this or I'll kill someone! I'll kill someone!!

Adinda!

TULONG!!

'Why couldn't he fix his eyesight?'

2010-10-28T22:00:00.002+08:00

There was once, when I was Potterphreaque (I still am, I just don't use the name so much anymore these days), I was asked, 'Nani, you gila Harry Potter kan? I'm just wondering; if Harry's so powerful of a wizard, why couldn't he fix his eyesight?' I blinked at her several times before giving her the answer.

The only one I could think of.

'He didn't learn how. That's why he couldn't,' I said.

I don't think there's a subject related to eyesight-fixing in Hogwarts. Remember when Malfoy blew up Hermoine's front teeth? She went to the hospital wing to get them fixed. And she was the genius of her batch, who happened to know so much.

Knowing more than Harry does, one would think that she could have gotten them fixed herself. But she couldn't. Because she wasn't taught how. If everyone who attends Hogwarts should be able to do everything - like what is expected of Harry - there shouldn't be a need for the hospital wing in the school, right?

Harry was interested in becoming an Auror. I bet they don't teach these Aurors-in-training how to fix their eyesight; like how the people who joined Police Force aren't taught how to diagnose and cure fever. It's not part of the course. Hehe.

And some days ago I googled the question. One of them Pottheads answered like I did. With less explanation, of course. But I get what she meant.

'Sama macam kitalah, ambik TESL takkanlah boleh reti buat brain transplant pulak tiba-tiba kan?' I added.

* * *

I thought the answer was obvious.

Well, what do you think?

'Nani, you mengajar di MRSM kan?'

2010-10-25T21:49:00.000+08:00

'A-ah, why?'

'I dengar budak-budak MRSM ni semua terpilih. Pandai-pandai.'

'What do you want?'

'Apesal yang duk dapat 20A, 22A tu bukan budak-budak you? I mean, bukan budak-budak MRSM? Semua budak-budak Kementerian. Heran jugak I. Apa yang terpilihnya?'

Dalam hati Teacher Nani, statement-statement hangit telah dilancarkan ke otak for quality control sebelum dihantar ke mulut untuk dijadikan bom. Tapi Teacher Nani sabar. Teacher Nani sabar.

'Awak, ambik pun sepuluh subjek je dibenarkan, macam mana nak score A sampai 22 ketul?'

Dia diam sekejap.

I mean seriously, kalau dah sejak MRSM pertama ditubuhkan sampai hari ini masih tidak ada walaupun seorang budak MRSM dapat 25 ketul A padahal yang lepas masuk sini semua yang baik-baik + pandai-pandai, mestilah it has something to do with the system, common sense kot. Possible je budak-budak ini nak dapat 40A pun kalau ada 40 subjek untuk SPM - sebab mereka memang mampu. Sistem kami membenarkan sepuluh subjek sahaja diambil. So, sepuluh sajalah yang budak-budak ini perlu score.

Dan Teacher Nani memang nak sangat lepaskan bom. Sebiji pun cukuplah.

'Dulu awak UPSR ambik 5 subjek, tapi result keluar 7A eh?'

Haha. Ambik kau. Tapi bom kecik je pulak.

Hm.

Tak apa. Janji bom. XD

* * *

Dude, janganlah tanya soalan-soalan macam ni. Pedih betul la nak jawab. Pedih lagi you yang dapat jawapan I tu kan?

I know I said I wouldn't write magic anymore, but

2010-10-23T18:10:00.001+08:00

I didn't promise. I really didn't.

*

"So he carved every single memory he had of her into the block of Silverinh ice because he knew that in the blood-red, everlasting winter of his painful longing, it would last. Now, look at it, if you will. See it, if you could. It was as if the autumn itself had lent his pain the colour. And you know, that even the least learned of people knows, that a colour the Autumn bestowed upon the breaking of any person of her choice, does not drain off just because his carving of the Silverinh ice melted into the waking of the Summer," she explained in between coughs. In her voice were years and years of her own painful longing and ice-cold anger.

In her eyes were ripples of a broken heart and a lost soul, and as she stole a look through mine, she showed me the Silverinh lady whom her great-grandfather carved from the memories of his lost beloved. "A hundred Summers came, Nani. The Autumn did not leave his body, his pain, his longing. And right now as it should, his heart beats in her. Listen to it."

*

But I had also given up the state of being captivated by the world of magic I tried to create because I don't want to lose sight of the one I already have; my family.

*

One of my students said jokingly to her friends, 'Sepet sey mata aku. I should get a plastic surgery.'

But one of them totally missed it and said, 'Beb, we're going green. Nobody does plastic anymore.'

*

I happen to be Asian, so I listen to Asian music. That shouldn't be a problem. Shouldn't be your problem.

Questions answered.

2010-10-14T15:30:00.001+08:00

Here are the answers to the questions asked by my readers in the last post (Some of the questions were corrected where necessary). The comment section for the post is now closed.

From ButirStar: What will you do when you are happily taking a shower while shampooing, suddenly you smell fogging smoke???
Hola Kak Long. Haha. I will leave the bathroom and take another bath after the fogging team left. No use proceeding with the shower since your hair is going to smell terrible anyway.

From Mimi: Salam..Kak Nani, how to improve my English? Especially grammar. Do share your experience. You're my idol. TQ.
Salam, Mimi. I'm flattered - well I'd never thought I could be an idol. Not yet at least. Thanks. I don’t know how to answer this without scaring people away, most people who asked the very same question you did would slightly cringe at my answer. I hope you won't, haha. OK, my parents are book people. They go to bookstores when they could spare some time. They brought their kids along, too. So I was exposed to books, to the habit of reading since I was two years old. When I was three, I was already reading in English.

My experiences include an amount of 95% of reading story books, and 5% of English lessons at school. In that 5% you'll find insanely dedicated teachers, hundreds of grammar exercises a year since 1992 to 2002, shameless attempts at speaking in English with teachers and friends and lots, I mean LOTS of encounters with error-making and the ability to laugh at myself as I made them.

The 95% is your effort. Your teacher couldn't be with you 24/7, so you're gonna have to work on your own 95% of the time. Start small. Your language skills will grow before you even realize it.

From Saffa:
1) How do you see yourself 5 years from now?
I could be the Head of the Language Department. InsyaAllah.

Financially; oh I have always been financially strong, alhamdulillah. Hehe. 5 years from now I should be able to buy a house, cash. InsyaAllah.

Family; I could already be married with one kid. Or a pair of twins.

2) Have you ever thought of publishing your own book?
Yeah, I have. All the time since I was 14.

3) Do you correct people's grammar mistakes when you read their blogs?
In my head, yes. I'll do it in their comment boxes if they ask me to.

From Ayaq Masak: WHY MUST ALL QUESTIONS BE IN ENGLISH?
Because I'd love to respond to them in English. I need to respond to them in English. I don't wish for my already-minute linguistic skills to deteriorate. They might if I stopped using them for a while.

From Chameleon: Someone really hates you, get the chance to stab you and you die. With God's willing, you're still alive!! What would you do/say to that particular person when you meet them?
First you said I died. Then I was suddenly alive. I can't really understand your question, Chameleon. But say if someone really stabbed me and I survived the attack, I'd ask the person what his/her problem was – after he/she is put behind bars.

From Sanzo: Any interesting questions from your own students? Example; 'Teacher, can I become a God?' If so, how do you answer them?
I don't do extra miles in my explanation unless I was talking about something that I really, really like. So for questions like, 'Teacher, can I become a God?', I'd simply give them the truth: No, you can't.

From Faisal Admar: I wanna see your face! LOL
That's not a question! Hehe. Well, I'm mysterious. For now, I choose to stay that way.

From Jiyuu: I feel you, sista. And here I thought blockage only happened to the lame writers. (Not implying you're lame in any way. I meant it happens to the best of us.)

Situation: You're stranded in a thick forest with a river running through it with the person you love and you have only a single apple to eat. You have no idea how long you are going to be stuck there and there is nothing else edible or else lack the required skills to scavenge anything. Question: What would you do when the both of you get hungry?
We'd eat the apple for energy and he'll catch fish at the river and make fire and prepare dinner and make beds out of anything that could give me comfort, well practically everything. I'll climb the tallest tree I could find to make a call out for help and we'll wait for Jiyuu's private jet to come pick us up. We'll be out in less than 24 hours. No problem at all. Hehe.

From Farah Hanani: What is your weirdest dream?
Most of my dreams are weird. I like them weird. I even have favourites (yeah I'm strange like that). So far, the weirdest would be the one in which I was on a holiday at my one of my aunts', with my mother. On the day of the arrival, she took my mother to shop. So, I was left alone in the double-storey house. Now here's the weird part; she told me to make myself at home and be careful if I were to go up to the third floor – but there couldn't be a third floor in a double-storey house, kan? That's what I said. And she told me this, in the dream, 'Tangga ke tingkat tiga tu kadang-kadang ada, kadang-kadang tak jumpa. So be careful. You might never come down once you go up.' She looked sad although she was smiling when she said that. That was when I realized that there was no single trace of her kids and her husband around the house. It was as if she had always been living there all by herself.

Is that weird enough for you?

From Avid Gunner: As a writer, do you struggle with Mary Sue?
Hehe. As far as I am concerned, I do not struggle in my writing of the character Nina. I find her to be a person I could easily relate to, but not someone I wish to be. She's someone I wish to know; to be friends with. I try to make her a believable character, with flaws and strengths of her own, nothing inhuman. So far things are going great, I haven't yet felt as if I'm struggling to not lead Nina into becoming a Mary Sue.

Done!

* * *

Feels great. I guess the blockage's gone now. I might be able to come up with something independent after this. Thanks to everyone who helped! See you soon!

Ask me a question.

2010-10-11T11:15:00.001+08:00

I'm lacking the motivation to write right now. There's a blockage in the system. The only thing I feel like writing about is school and I don't think that would mean much to many of my readers who happen to be non-teachers. I don't think it would reach far. There could only be so many posts about school in one blog.

So maybe I need some inspiration. Maybe I'm direly in need of inspiration or I would be stuck for another I don't know how many days. I need to keep writing, to keep my brain working the language or my teaching might go down the drain.

So, how am I going to do this? I'll let my readers ask me questions.

1) Now, you may ask as many questions as you want, ANYTHING about me that you wanna know. I'll be at my best level of honesty in my answers. The answers will come out in the next post, so stay tuned (if you wish to). I'll put your name with your question and link it to your blogger profile (if you have one), don't worry.

2) The questions may be long or short. Up to you. It can even be something like this: You woke up one morning and found a baby at your front door. The note attached to it was of your handwriting and it said, 'Feed her.' Then you realized that your nightgown and both your legs were bloodstained. What would you do?

3) But don't put too many questions in one comment – I might miss some.

4) ALL YOUR QUESTIONS MUST BE IN ENGLISH.

All clear?

OK. Now come at me, people.

Under 20? Don't read this. UPDATED

2010-10-04T19:38:00.000+08:00

This happened yesterday. I won't call this person a friend. More like one of those unfortunate encounters in life. A little light; he's interested, I'm not. He talked of marriage, I evaded. Then it went into 'ketaatan seorang isteri' all of a sickening sudden, then I was pissed. So I cut off the conversation, and he began texting:

Nani, I have tried everything and I really love oral. Jadi kalau I kawen dengan orang yang memang takmau buat, maksudnya I takkan rasa lagi dah for the rest of my life. Rugilah I macam tu. Sebab tu I nak kawen dengan orang yang betul-betul boleh dengar cakap I dan akan buat apa saja yang I suruh.

My reply: Ajaklah the person who gave you oral tu kawen. Dah jumpa pun orang yang sanggup, you cari apa lagi?

My intended reply: Engkau gila ke bodoh ke s*al? Nak mampus punya offensive statement jahanam engkau; engkau hendak cari isteri yang taat sebab engkau won't take No for your oral sex request? Lahanat mana yang bagi engkau lulus kursus kawen hari tu memang patut ditarik balik lesen pengiktiraf dia. Engkau sakit jiwa yang amat sangat dah ke, sampai kena bincang benda private macam itu dengan orang yang bukan family engkau? Some people memang tak hadir kot pada hari Tuhan mengurniakan otak kepada manusia, kan?

Haha, tu cerita lama la. Dia pun dah kawen. Dah nak ada anak dah pun.

My reply: None.

My intended reply: Grossgusting gila perempuan terbabit!

Kalau I nak jugak macam mana?

My reply: Sebelum kawen letaklah syarat bertulis siap-siap. Cari orang yang memang suka buat kerja tu, then kawen je lah.

My intended reply: Jawapan di atas, plus this - Tapi kalau engkau rasa jawapan aku itu considerable, engkau memang bodoh tahap kuasa tiada tandingan. Kalau bodoh engkau tu sebuah karangan, bukan tahap setakat terkeluar tajuk je, terkeluar dari kertas jawapan terus ke lubang tandas, layak gagal sama sekali.

Kalau I pilih you jugak?

My reply: I takmau menzalimi diri. For you mungkin benda ni kecik, tapi I takmau. I don't take risks.

My intended reply: Ya. Tanpa was-was dan tidak syak lagi, bodoh engkau memang tak tertanding. Gila engkau dah tak boleh dirawat – in the first place, apa jampi serapah mak nenek engkau yang buat engkau sanggup terfikir aku akan peduli apa-apa pun kehendak engkau?

Alaa, tapi I nak you jugak. Tak boleh ke?

My reply: I takmau suami yang suka suruh I buat benda yang I takmau.

My intended reply: Pergi matilah!!!

Tapi I tak fahamlah kenapa you taknak. Bukan bahaya pun. Ramai je orang buat. Sihat je. Doktor-doktor pun takde kate jangan buat.

My reply, fully intended: God made d*cks to fit in v*ginas, sperms should go into wombs, why the h*ll would I wanna let something that should go down below into my mouth? I don't wanna say this but since you somehow jadi bodoh tiba-tiba, I'll explainlah –

Ustazah I kata dulu, zalim itu meletakkan sesuatu bukan pada tempat yang sepatutnya, benda basic macam tu, graduate macam you mesti tau kan? Apa benda dalam neraka yang actually made you think that I would consider a d*ck that had gone into some b*tch's mouth to be placed *ew* in mine? Sakit gila jiwa engkau!

No reply, sampai hari ini.

Then, an equally sick acquaintance of mine who happens to be 3 years older and should have been so many times smarter came up with this, 'Tapi kalau suka sama suka pulak lain cerita, itu kira meletakkan sesuatu pada tempat yang setepatnyalah kan?'

Apa pasal engkau semua suka sangat miss the point ni!? Gila annoying lah existence engkau semua!

So kalau Ali kata, 'Abu, engkau tikamlah aku, aku halalkan,' dan Abu pun melakukan aktiviti menikam, maka pisau itu dikira terletak pada tempat selayaknya kah - menembusi jantung Ali?

Apa pasal aku kena bagi contoh psiko jiwa hati rawan gering segala sel-sel otak macam ini dekat graduate-graduate macam engkau semua? Apa otak engkau semua sudah penuh sangat dengan ilmu degree empat tahun sampai tak boleh berfikir benda kecik serupa ini? Tolonglah!

Number engkau dan engkau aku dah delete. Antibodi aku tak larat lawan virus jiwa tenat engkau semua. Aku report polis kalau engkau dan engkau buat hal lagi.

Engkau semua pun tahu kan, aku ini memang suka buat laporan?

* * *

UPDATE: I had a talk with two ustazahs at school, confirmed that my hukum zalim based response wasn't exactly applicable to the matter of the discussion, but what I did could be accepted in that situation where such a person is involved (explanation panjang, I tak larat nak karang). Might have triggered one or two thinking neurons in his brain to work.

My kind of guy.

2010-09-28T18:13:00.001+08:00

A tag from Nani. I guess I did learn a few things about myself with this. Everyone who reads this is tagged! But it's OK if you don't wanna do it. Just let me know if you did it. Hehe.

1. Do you need him/her to be good looking?
In my eyes, yes.

2. Smart?
Yes.

3. Preferred age?
He could be of my age. He could be two or three years younger or older. He should be mature, more importantly.

4. Preferred height?
He should be taller than yours truly. *coff* I'm, well, 154 cm short.

5. How about sense of humor?
I'm funny. I need someone with Fang's sense of humour at least.

6. How about piercings?
No. Way.

7. Accepts you for who you are?
Nope. I think he should at least have the decency to tell me what I could do to become a better person. I doubt that I'd find a guy I would completely be OK with at our first meeting, and I'd definitely tell him to his face (nicely) if he's not right at the second or third, so I'd expect the same from him. Nobody's perfect, and I don't think anyone on earth is named Nobody.

8. Pink hair?
Oh please.

9. Mushy or no?
Look, I'm all Max to the last inch of my being – so yeah, why not? Hehe.

10. Thin or fat?
I can't really decide. As long as he looks heaven-sent in my eyes, I'd be OK.

11. Black, Brown, Yellow or White (skin color)?
Not a shade fairer than me, please. He should be slightly darker. I don't know why. Haha.

12. Long hair or short hair?
Short. And sane.

13. Plastic or metal?
Flesh.

14. Smells good?
DEFINITELY.

15. Smoker?
NO. WAY.

16. Drinker?
NO. WAY.

17. Girl/Boy-next-door type?
Maybe not.

18. Muscular?
In brains and bank accounts, yes. I'm not the lending kind, so he should have his own vault to squeeze. Built, too. Just not excessively, tho.

19. Plays piano?
Not important. But I'm OK if he does.

20. Plays bass and/or acoustic guitar?
See 19.

21. Plays violin?
See 19.

22. Sings very well?
See 19.

23. Vain?
Aha, someone like Suou Tamaki won't hurt. LOL. I could be worst.

24. With glasses?
I don't really mind.

25. With braces?
I'm a teeth person. You should ask my sister. Or Jasmine. So, NO.

26. Shy type?
OK. Not extremely shy, though.

27. Rebel or good boy/girl?
My only concern is the number of storm-bringers in a relationship. Most people could take only one. I too, could take only one. So, good boy.

28. Active or passive?
Active.

29. Tight or bomb?
I don't understand.

30. Singer or dancer?
Both. But I won't mind if he's neither.

31. Stunner?
In my eyes, yes.

32. Hiphop?
Not really.

33. Earrings?
NO.

34. Mr/Ms. count-my-exes-until-you-drop?
I'm OK, as long as they stay away.

35. Dimples?
Great. I don't really mind, tho.

36. Bookworm?
YES. But I'd be cool too, if he isn't. Just as long as he reads at least the newspaper each day.

37. Mr/Ms. love letter?
I won't say no to this. Just nothing like Ayat-ayat Cinta, please. It could dry up my red pen.

38. Playful?
Yes.

39. Flirt?
No. Never once in my life had I ever seen a flirt who looks like he's functioning on an existing brain everytime he flirts. Yeah. No airheads.

40. Poem writer?
Man, I could never get poetry even if I'm given a thousand years. But OK anyway. As long as he explains them to me. I know. Pathetic.

41. Serious?
Just don’t make it 24/7.

42. Campus crush?
Never had one. Can't really say.

43. Painter?
YES.

44. Religious?
YES.

45. Someone who likes to tease people?
As long as no one gets hurt.

46. Computer games geek? Or internet freak?
BOTH. Haha.

47. Speaks 20 languages?
DEFINITELY. I'd still be grateful if he speaks only two languages - just excellently, please.

48. Loyal or faithful?
BOTH.

49. Good kisser?
*whistles, looks at the sky*

50. Loves children?
Yes. Because I love kids, too.

Weak students do NOT exist.

2010-09-27T12:55:00.000+08:00

One of the best reminders from my mother sounded like this, 'Ajar anak-anak orang sebagaimana kita mahu orang ajar anak kita' – loosely translated to 'You should educate your students the way you want your own kids to be educated.'

So really, I find it very offensive for some teachers to establish the misconception of 'My students are freaking weak, (I'd thank God for the rest of my lives if they'd just pass)' as a FACT. Some smartass you are. Fact, my *ss.

I mean really – I don't know what you've been taught in the years of your degree, but seriously you should be aware that such a thing – weak students – do NOT exist, if you're actually in a school and holding the fate of a bunch of seventeen-year-olds in your hands.

There is no such thing as weak students. They are just an army of teenagers whose focus in life and university entrance exam is scattered all over Justin Bieber (I hate his front teeth), anime and sleep. They are not weak. They're just a little clueless. Your job: Give them the clue and send them straight to the answer. Not scream to the world how pathetic they are (which of course shows how retarded you are) and whine!

Besides, who do you think you are to pass such judgment and at the same time run amok when people judge how you think? (Thanks for the slip, Rayyan.) Seriously, grow up.

Ish, I just don't get some people.

***

Thanks to Rayyan, too, aku tahu engkau masih datang mencari bahan untuk menghisteriakan diri di NaniScribbles! – some people are SO predictable. Benci tapi rindu. Grossgusting.

Habis engkau lelaki ke, because you used to want her dulu kan?

2010-09-21T21:07:00.000+08:00

School had just started. It's a new battle all over again. I'm all armed to the last strand of the hair on my head. We'll make it through. Jom pukul semua soalan sampai tak dapat bangun. Jom dapat A+ ramai-ramai. Teacher Nani takkan give up selagi result sebenar tak keluar. Teacher Nani tak pernah ada mindset keji semacam ini: Kamu lulus pun cukuplah (no matter how weak you are).

Teacher Nani tak pernah pandang mana-mana student pun sebagai hopeless. Kamu semua sangat-sangat boleh dapat A+. The marks can be changed. You just have to change a part of yourself – start prioritizing. Stop Twilighting. A crush on a vapid, moody, sparkling, gay, 107-year-old virgin vampire does not help in your writing. His eyes are too far apart for you to even daydream about. Grow out of the box already.

***

I don't get some teachers who actually have the heart to say something as mindless as this: Student-student kami di sini memang lemah sangat-sangat. Harapan kami cukuplah setakat boleh lulus.

Look at it this way, kalau teachers yang tanggungjawab hakikinya mengubah sebijik F menjadi A (akademik atau sahsiah) pun tidak tahu cara berharap yang betul, how the hell will anything even change? Kalau harapan pun tak sebanyak mana, you people expect teachers semacam ini berusaha banyak mana? True. Pandai my readers. Banyak mana mereka berharap, banyak itulah mereka berusaha. This is one of the bullshits yang I memang tak boleh tolerate. Khianat profesyen, khianat anak didik. Why are you even in the school?

Engkau imagine sendirilah apa nak rasa kalau engkau salah seorang daripada budak-budak yang engkau letakkan harapan lulus sahaja itu. Harap nak menagih tunjuk ajar cikgu, cikgu pulak awal-awal dah give up, siap label engkau loser pulak sebab layak lulus saja. Please-lah wei. Otak ada, guna. Jangan simpan dalam mangkuk tandas.

I'm nowhere near perfection, but if I could give my 1000% for the kids and change a few Es into Bs and the same particular Bs into As, I'd know I'm on the right track. And for starters, I don't bloody hope that any of my kids would simply pass. Because they wish that I would help make their Cs and Ds As, and if I don't do everything in my power so that I could, what does that make me? How would I look in front of God bila dah balik nanti?

I terlalu ambitious? So f*ck off then.

***

A friend on FB tagged me a line which sounded like this, 'I don't do jealousy, not even when my ex is all over the new guy, because my mum said I should let the less fortunate have the toys I don't want.'

Looks like some retard's mum had just had a terrible lesbianic heartbreak, to come up with something like that. I mean seriously, if you're not jealous, don't mention her at all-lah. Itu pun susah? Ke engkau tengah sawan denial sebenarnya ni?

And yeah so you felt like I have insulted your mother. Hey, why did you bring her into the matter in the first place? She couldn't have referred to a girl when she said you should share your toys. No sane mother would, that much I know. So really, matanglah sikit. Ingat bagus ke putar-belit nasihat emak engkau macam itu?

Kalau tak boleh nak matang pun, show some respect-lah. She doesn't want you, then let her go sudah.Tak payah nak buat rujukan kat toys ke apa, bukan engkau pandai sangat Literature pun. Nak insult perempuan guna perkataan toys itu pun engkau tak layak. Emak engkau bukan perempuan? Nenek engkau bukan perempuan? Ex engkau bukan perempuan? Habis engkau lelaki ke - because you used to want her dulu kan?

***

Dan I sangat panas hati dengan a bunch of people yang tak reti nak faham frasa 'Tak mau'. Gilalah dunia ni, benda senang macam itu pun ada lagi yang tak boleh hadam. Kamu sembang guna bahasa planet apa di rumah?

***

Anything pissing anyone lately?

This is for Syareen.

2010-09-20T16:00:00.003+08:00

Just another drawing (click to full-view). Not much of a post this time. Sorry to those who expected a lengthy rambling (yeah, right - dream on, Nani).

All right this is Sailor StarMercury, as I'd like to call her due to the excessive alterations on the outfit, so I thought it'd be great to call her differently, too. Hehe. Made for Syareen (a friend of my sister who happens to be the first Sailormoon worshipper she finally found after years of leaving high school), took around two days to finish (negative comments off my blog, please), should be in her hands by now.

So what triggered Sailor StarMercury?

Well Syareen actually possessed all 200 episodes of the anime and she happened to let my sister have them for free and I sort of thought money wouldn't be the thing she'd want in return so why not give her something no one can buy - my very own fanart of her favourite senshi? Thus this came out.

So thanks, Syareen. I really, really hope you'd like it. I put all of my heart and half of my not-so-much skills into this (since I haven't been drawing much) and all the best thoughts about you. *winks* Yeah I really hope you'll like it.

Oh, and I'd like to think I did a wonderful job on this one. I'm planning to do the other senshis, too. =)

Anyway, how are you people doing?

Hari ini = Ramadhan Finale.

2010-09-09T22:30:00.000+08:00

1) Sesi clear sepah-sepah bilik yang sudahnya sampai malam pun tidak settle-settle. Tak apa. Sekejap lagi I settle-kan. Kamu semua sudah siap kemas rumahkah, esok nak raya?

2) Penjelajahan ke setiap ceruk di bumi Perlis mencari ayam best untuk dibuat kenduri esok. Bersama Emaak best kesayangan semua. Sudahlah nak jumpa ayam punyalah susah, jumpa pulak yang besarnya macam gajah versi ayam seekor 3.5 kilo macam apa entah berat dia, sangat tak boleh belah pulak Emaak telah membeli 3 ekor setengah dengan bertawar-tawar macam masinlah pulak harga dia, bukan? RM 7.80 sekilo habis kering darah I dengar harga dia, tak ada apa yang tinggal dah untuk dicekik.

3) Berkejaran dengan BiBa silver ke pasaraya yang agak dekat dengan rumah, tolong belikan untuk Emaak kulit kayu manis (yang bergulung-gulung dalam pek plastik paling kecil pun sudah sekerat lengan I panjang dia), bunga lawang yang semua suri rumah pun buat reference sesama sendiri macam ini 'Bunga lawang yang lapan kupang tu ka?' dan satu bungkus kecik buah pelaga tak tau brand apa pulak dia pergi warna hijau tiba-tiba, serta kicap yang botol dia boleh squeeze-squeeze plus Colgate Mouth Wash warna biru untuk adik lelaki I yang makin lama makin suka tengok cermin. Dah macam I pulak perangai dia sekarang, haha.

4) Beli sepasang kerongsang ayu-ayu cute warna biru untuk adik perempuan I yang esok nak beraya pakai baju kurung mahal warna biru laut-laut gorjes. Tahun ini beliau first time nak pakai tudung sulam tangan manik pusing-pusing, simpul-simpul corak dia punya mahal Emaak I beli, I pun tumpang seronok sekali siap gatal tangan sibuk pilih kerongsang pulak, padahal ke situ sebenarnya mencari ayam. Ceh.

5) Duduk depan laptop I yang bernama Pan, tulis reply panjang empat puluh kaki kepada seorang blogger yang baru malam tadi jadi penganjur kenduri tuduh-kutuk I kat FB wall dia. Dahlah I tak kenal dia. Rakan-rakan sekenduri dia pun I tak kenal, boleh pulak berpanjang-panjang di situ macam I ni apalah bukan? Ni mesti nanti ada tukang-tukang kenduri blogstalker yang akan speculate macam mana I boleh tau pulak mereka ramai-ramai duduk bersila atas dinding buku bermuka sambil mencaci-maki saya – kamu semua pun mesti curious bukan? Ha, penganjur kendurilah yang confirmkan lauk utama malam tadi itu memang saya. Jadi segala tuk nenek blogstalker yang dimaksudkan, silalah balik blog masing-masing sekarang pergi histeria di sana, ya? Blog ini tidak melayan bapuk-bapuk emosional serupa kamu; saya sudah state bawah tajuk blog saya tu. Duduk sini banyak makan gula NaniScribbles! nanti kamu diabetes di jiwa jenuh sawan nak saman saya pulak lah kan? Dah pergi balik. Sini tempat orang tabah akal dan jiwa saja datang melepak.

6) Mengadap laptop sambil fikir nak tulis wish Raya yang macam mana sebab lima point teratas dah serupa post mencari gaduh dengan semua pembaca pulak tiba-tiba. Lepas tu I decide macam ini saja:

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri buat semua pembaca NaniScribbles!, tak kisahlah kamu tersorok atau selalu buat rambling terbuka di blog I, I tak pernah kisah asalkan kamu semua tak histeria buat blog I macam blog you people pulak, haha. Segala apa yang kamu pernah terkata atau sengaja kata atau tulis atau fikir sekalipun, Nani dah ampun semua. Tidak ada langsung yang tersimpan, jaminan seratus peratus. Dan Nani mohon ampun untuk semua sengaja dan ketidaksengajaan Nani jugak, ikhlas dari hati sebab Nani sayang kamu semua. *senyum* Moga dimaafkan. Thank you. Keep writing, friends. And keep inspiring the world. *winks* Have a blessed Eid, everyone! *hugs*

Later, yeah?

Bi Rain atau Rain Bi

2010-09-09T00:47:00.000+08:00

suka meraban masa perform live.

He cannot sing. Gila nasal ah suara dia.

He definitely cannot dance. Senaman ulang-ulang perbuatan penyanyi-penyanyi veteran boleh ah dia.

And he only thinks he can do LIVE performances.

I sedar diri, OK?

2010-09-01T21:28:00.000+08:00

I know I had been so freaking lazy in writing my Ig and Nina chapters, because I honestly didn't think anyone would anticipate them so much since I am a nobody in the Creative Writing universe, I sedar diri, OK?

But suddenly there was a comment from Jiyuu – a friend I haven't heard from for a while – on the third chapter, and she happened to even remember Hadi's name (which flattered me to an edge that someone actually mentioned one of my characters like he was from a published book or something) so I decided to speed up my fourth chapter, and thank you Allah for the inspiration, it is now up!

So ah, friends and fans (if there are any), what are you waiting for?

Sila go HERE!

Chapter 4 (perhaps): 'I'm back, Nina.'

2010-09-01T20:41:00.001+08:00

It had been three weeks since I began working at the Clayr – Mr Zahran's home for books. Here's a little enlightenment for those who are wondering; the Clayr was named after the Great Library of The Clayr; a gargantuan, mountain-sized library in Garth Nix's Abhorsen trilogy. I guess I wasn't the only one who was inspired by how the library was carved into the pages of the last book. Secretly, I wished to have my own Clayr one day. And secretly too, I wished for mine to have the same interior design as this one. I sort of thought I was in love with the villa. I bet anyone would be.

My daily routine here would include book-wrapping and grouping them by genres and authors. I hadn't started shelving even one title from any of the stacks I've placed on the desk. I was thinking of completing all the wrapping before sending them books up their homes, and Mr Zahran was fine with it. In fact, he was fine with whatever suggestions I had came up with so far. So my days were filled with the sounds of plastic films being folded, cellophane tape being cut, pages being gently flipped, the smell of ink and papers from various publishers (yeah I could tell the publisher from the smell of the paper – that's how obsessed I was) and of course, the polished, wooden shelves.

This was one of those days. But this was also not one of those usual days. Because suddenly there was a knock on the door as I was flipping through an Atlas and realizing that the last two pages were empty – perhaps to be filled with new lands once unknown to man – and somehow it made me jump in my seat. Sighing thankfully (that no one saw how spooked I was), I placed the Atlas on the desk and went to get the door. My guess was Mr Zahran, on one of his morning walks.

'Yes?' I said, as I opened the door. Then the world simply started to freeze.

What I saw, or who I saw right after the door swung open didn't just make my heart stop beating, he even made my brain stop working. Memories of fifteen years ago came flooding in raging waves into my mind, up to every wall. And with them were years of painful longing, and warmth and the ever-so-popular feeling of the color crimson so heavy and free and rambunctious I thought I could stop breathing for a while just to let the emotions sink in. It was the kind of hurt that you'd wish to last, the kind you'd only feel for one person at a time, the kind that drowns you to save you. You call it many names. One of them begins with the famous letter 'L'.

I was ten. He was thirteen. Together, we made the greatest friends on earth. Life was the best back then. Only ten years ago he had to go away, and so I was left a brokenhearted fifteen-year-old. It took me weeks to get over the fact that I could no longer see him, but technology saved me, and it saved us – for we got to bridge the geographical distance with e-mails and a series of postcards. Sure it wasn't the same as having him around, but I survived. It had been ten years. The postcards he sent would have completely tiled two walls of my room at home up to the ceiling. Mine to him would have drowned his wardrobe anytime. I was starting to believe it. It really had already been ten years. Man.

'Ig –' I began, but was silenced by a loss of words to say anything, which was, believe me, a once-in-a-million-year moment. Yes, I was so pathetic I could kick myself.

There he was, towering at least 5' 10", in the doorway, a complete 180 degree from the 19-year-old hunk I once had a major crush on, but with exactly the same smile that stole my heart so many years ago on his face, and the classic, insane storms in his eyes. His gaze was locked onto mine, mercilessly and I thought I was elevating a few inches off the floor already when –

'You can breathe now.' It was the first sentence he uttered, after ten years, followed by the mischievous chuckle I had so terribly missed. A star had just burst into a majestic birth somewhere within the universe in me the moment his soft laughter subsided. So I smiled, and started breathing again.

If you were wondering whether we had made phone calls to each other over the years - no, we never had. Because I knew I would cry if I did, and somewhere inside me, I knew that he knew that I would, so he didn't make even a single call to me, too. Because some-magical-how, the postcards were more than enough to make me not cry.

'I didn't stop,' was my reply. Desperately, I tried to stop beaming so wide, but I couldn’t. I guess I should just let him know how happy I was that he was back. That he was home, where I could see him and hear him everyday like I used to, like on those beautiful days back then.

He shrugged, smiling still. 'I'm back, Nina,' he said. 'I'm back for good,' he added. I couldn't even begin to tell you how heaven-like those words made me feel. Just imagine your own feeling of heaven, and multiply it by ten or a hundred or even a thousand, I don't care. That was exactly how it felt like right then.

'Felt like it was only yesterday that you boarded the plane,' I replied, grudgingly, arms folded with the best look of nonchalance I could put up. Part of me still had the trouble forgiving him for leaving me ten years ago. The wound of the departure was still there. Only now it wasn't hurting so much anymore. I guess it was finally starting to heal.

He laughed playfully, driving me crazier by each second; and suddenly, like the most pleasant of surprises, he ended it with the warmest, 'I've been missing you, too, Nina,' just like the Ig I remembered.

'Uh-huh,' I teased, brows raised. Not a chance, smart guy.

'Like crazy.'

And that, people, had just reformatted my 25 years' worth of vocabulary - completely.

Aku: Mak you tak marah?

2010-08-29T17:59:00.000+08:00

Dia: Malam tadi I kuar pukul 10, pukul 4 baru balik.

Aku: Dengan A-an? (Ye I tau nama bopren dia memang tak glamer, so shut it and read)

Dia: Ye arr. (Ye I tau spelling dia sungguh annoying, but shut up and read anyway)

Aku: Mak you tak marah?

Dia: Taklah. Mak I pesan I kena dengar cakap dia. Belajar taat kat dia. Practise, nanti lepas kawen senang nak dengar cakap.

* * *

Bullshit gila.

Some of the biggest bullshits I've ever encountered

2010-08-25T21:24:00.000+08:00

'Ada aq kisah English aq cam sampah? Aku orang Melayu la doe. Tak perlunye pandai bahasa penjajah tue~~'

I won't say much about this because it's Ramadhan – or I wouldn't have stopped myself. Tapi please-lah, I grow up living the life of a Malay who believes that Melayu perkasa boleh maju jika mahu berusaha dan berhenti berbudaya 'Tak Apa' (Contoh: Tak apa tak pandai English, kita kan Melayu. Pandai bahasa sendiri sudey~). I can't believe there are still modern Malays who think that it's OK to be left behind, to not be competitive, to not improve their competency in the second language. Worst, these people are younger than I am but they're living in the way past where Bahasa Melayu is still the lingua franca. What on earth are we teaching in schools these days?

And there's the 'Aq multi-linguals, aq interest in Korean and Japan, oso bley ckap Korean and Japan,' bullshit that just pisses me off at any given encounter. Tahu sepatah dua saranghae sukidesu saja, lajunya lebih daripada pelesit nak mengaku multilingual. Siap letak 's' lepas perkataan lingual, I pun taktau apa these people are trying to prove. Dahlah berjemaah pulak Melayu-melayu belaka yang buat pengakuan perasan jujur serupa itu. I can't even describe the image these teenagers are projecting of their brains with such irresponsible statements. Like seriously!

Also there's the K-Pop male idols obsessed, counterpart wannabes like SyidaHae, AmiRAIN (and some other combos I dare not list for I might puke and bastardize the poor keyboard) who text-squeal over the tiniest of news and rage with spits and curses and incomprehensible English all over anti-sites on an hourly basis – and they happen to be school kids whose baju sekolah and setokin are still being scrubbed by their mums. 'Omo2 kowrunk, Chong Tae Guk oppah msok spital sbb xcderrnt weyhh!! Komawo, omo2!' or 'Ko pehal anti-anti GLITTERee? Mcm arr bagos!! Cib**!' I mean seriously, come on, I thought drooling over romance novels in which heroin kampung tak pass sekolah pandai masak asam pedas kawin anak Datuk kaki botol last sekali jadi baik is already too much – but this? This is new.

*urut-urut dahi sikit*

Back then when I was 13 to 17, I never really had time to menyamar bini or girlfriend or tunang or janda of whichever idol from whichever country – I was too busy with manga and anime. But I was never so obsessed that I would spend hours to just rage and text-squeal, even with the speedy internet. Probably because I had books and also TV, and there's always the newspaper which keeps everything in balance, LOL.

Now I wonder if them self-professed kekasih gelap SUJU are aware that UPSR and PMR might be abolished? Or should I just wonder if these kids are aware that there is such a thing called PMR?

Mungkin jauh di sudut hati...

2010-08-23T16:52:00.000+08:00

Nani baca kebanyakan update tentang keadaan arwah saudara Faiz Taufik, semasa dia masih melawan cancer di hospital. Setiap satu update memang sakit sangat untuk dibaca. Tapi Nani nak ambik tahu. Nani ada simpan satu harapan dalam hati, walaupun sinarnya Nani tak ingat seterang mana, Nani memang nak sangat Faiz sembuh. Kesian? Empati? Sayang? Atau simply kemanusiaan? Nani tak pasti sangat yang mana satu.

Bila ada seorang kawan kata Faiz akan dikomakan, Nani memang tak larat nak tahan air mata lagi dah. Tumpah jugak. Ya Allah, memang betul orang-orang baik budi, baik hati, baik iman ini semua Engkau sayang, Engkau uji, kan? Nani tenang sikit sebab Faiz balik jumpa Allah SWT pada bulan Ramadhan. Macam itu punya Allah sayang dia, jemput dia balik bebas dari seksaan kubur, Nani memang respect sangat.

'Kita pun nak pergi situ jugak, Nani,' kata Kak Linda. 'Cuma dia Allah panggil dulu. Nak buat macam mana, temujanji depa awal daripada kita. Sabar na?'

Ada sedikit terkilan sebab Nani tak sempat pun pergi tengok dan bagi semangat masa dia sakit dulu. Nani cuma sempat doa dari jauh saja. Semoga roh Faiz tenang sampai Hari Perhitungan nanti. Itu saja yang Nani mampu buat. Doa.

Minggu lepas, Kak Chik Jamilah, cikgu Sejarah MRSM Beseri meninggal dunia kerana Meningitis. Kami sebaya. Macam Nani dengan arwah Faiz. Berturut-turut 2 minggu kawan-kawan Nani Allah ajak balik di bulan puasa. Dalam hati cemburu juga, mereka buat apa selama hidup 25 tahun ini sampai Allah sayang macam itu sekali? Ya. Cemburu jadinya Nani.

Tapi dalam kabur-kabur mata Nani dengan air mata, Nani nampak juga yang baik-baik. Hikmah terbesar yang Nani perasan di sebalik kepulangan insan-insan mulia itu, Nani terus nampak segala apa jahat-jahat Nani selama ini. Nani nak ubah semua yang tak elok dalam diri Nani. Nani takmau lagi berfikir nak jahat pada orang. Nani takmau lagi lambat-lambat solat. Nani takmau sengaja buat apa-apa yang akan buat Allah marah pada Nani. Nani nak balik bersih, macam Kak Chik, macam Faiz, macam Rasulullah SAW insyaAllah.

Doa Nani banyak-banyak untuk mereka dan semua umat Islam yang Allah sudah bawa pulang. Semoga sejahtera mereka semua di sana.

Lepas tulis setakat ini, Nani diam berfikir. Lama Nani diam. Lama Nani fikir. Tentang Kak Chik, tentang Faiz, tentang mati, tentang kasih Allah SWT.

Mungkin jauh di sudut hati, sebenarnya, Nani sendiri pun berharap dapat balik awal.

This was my story.

2010-08-21T15:45:00.000+08:00

I was the happiest girl in the world. My mother was the most beautiful woman whose heart was pure platinum and my dad was the most powerful man in the industry. None of my dreams went by without being made to come true by their love and money. Some even came true before I could dream them.

Then it came in tongues of flames and fury, claiming everything I had ever loved. In my 16-year-old eyes the fire could have easily beaten the size of Everest at any given time. It took both my angels away, never to return. And I was left alone to weep floods and floods of liquid agony, longing and desperation down my cheeks for ten long years. There were times when I thought I should just cut my meaningless life short and go with them, wherever they are.

But God, He had other plans for me. It all began with the growl on the roof, which sounded hungry.

This was my story.

p/s: It could be yours, too.

* * *

You are invited to continue this story in the comment section.

Three sentences per-person, proceeding from where the previous commenter left off. You have unlimited turns to write.

Let's see where the story will go. Hehe. I'll do the first three sentences.

Cute

2010-08-17T21:23:00.000+08:00

is not tilting your head 45 degrees to the side, with a rusty thicker-than-hell fringe splattered all over your forehead, bulging your heavily lined eyes out of their sockets staring up like some retard, or winking as you lost control of your tongue that it has to stick out all slimy, or puffing one of your concealer-painted, acne-covered cheeks (the one closest to the camera lens), or putting up your icky pout like some blowfish kicked in the butt, and expressing 'Peace' with your kuku bela iblis fingers (like you know the meaning of the expression when the fact is you're just doing it because some J-Pop artists do it), or placing a finger over your lips senseless, before snapping yourself with your own phone.

Cute is painless. Effortless. And definitely NOT disgusting.

Get THAT through your rusty thicker-than-hell fringe.

Aqua, coloured.

2010-08-14T17:43:00.002+08:00

Click for full view.

Stabilo and Faber-castell coloured pencils used. 2 hours. Lineart done with Mitsubishi UniPin 0.2. Forgive the uneven lighting. It made some parts appear unevenly colored. Would definitely look better if scanned.

Anyway, what do I want for my birthday this year? A set of PRISMACOLOR coloured pencils. I'm bored with Stabilo and Faber-castell already. And don't even start on Luna. I want PRISMACOLOR. I really do.

Inspired by Aisya Shurfa's Four Elements.

Inspired

2010-08-14T12:32:00.001+08:00

Click for full view.

by Aisya Shurfa's Four Elements, I decided to try to do Aqua. This is the final lineart. Will colour it soon. Yes, she has a wand, with which she uses to command the raging oceans in her mission to save Mother Earth. I sort of think she should have something in her hair, but it was already too late when I realized that it's so empty, the lineart was done by then. I guess I have to work on the colours of the hair to tone down the emptiness, hehe.

I don't have a scanner, so I used my camera to take a picture of this. Thus the gradient.

Comments?

Pegang-pegang, raba-raba itu semua berizin kan?

2010-08-12T22:40:00.000+08:00

'I benci laki yang kapel dengan orang lain, lepas tu kawen dengan orang lain. Sial,' said a friend, one day. I was only starting on my ice-cream when she began. So I turned to look at her. She had this frown on her face that made me raise a brow. She looked like she had seen Cookie Monster doing a zapin.

'Izhar kawen dengan sape lepas break up dengan you?' I asked – which was totally something she would never forgive. She shot me a killer stare and suddenly the ice-cream tasted like sand. More like melted sand, I'd say. But I wasn't in trouble. I was the only friend she had. The only one she ever would have.

***

Teacher Nani biasanya test-test baca dulu mana-mana buku yang dia berkenan sebelum dia beli. Lepas test-test, kalau tak berkenan dia simpan balik. Kalau berkenan, dia akan ambil a new copy of the chosen title yang masih berbalut plastik serta tak ada sebarang cacat pada spine dan cover, yang paling sempurna, bawak pergi kaunter untuk bayar.

Jadi Teacher Nani memang faham bila kawan-kawan lelaki dia tak kahwin pun dengan girlfriend-girlfriend mereka. Her mind works the way theirs do. Masa bercinta tu test-test saja. Yang nak dibuat menantu mak bapak mestilah yang masih berbalut – firsthand.

Pegang-pegang, raba-raba itu semua berizin kan? Percuma saja kamu bagi kan? Jadi kenapa bila boyfriend kamu mintak putus sebab dia tersangkut hati pada anak jiran yang bertudung cute-cute kamu nak marah? It's not like he stole anything from you yang kamu nak suruh dia be responsible tu. Kamu pun carilah juga anak jiran yang bersongkok macho-macho.

Manalah tahu, kot-kot mereka berminat dengan perempuan yang belum berkahwin tapi sudah berbekas pegang-raba, kan?

Why not use all the Mat Rempits we have instead, right?

2010-07-22T18:19:00.000+08:00

I was sitting on a bench, reading. There was a book in my hands, 'The Girl Who Could Fly', and many, many thoughts on my continuously occupied mind. It was quite windy, tiny yellow flowers from the nearby tree were running along the breeze straight onto my head and the open book, so I was suddenly reminded of Piper McCloud. Now that's one girl who could just steal your heart. On the bench next to mine were two boys. Two boys I know. Now I'll keep the names secret. I have my reasons.

And so one of them said, 'I think this stupid thing called animal testing is animal cruelty.' Way to go, kid. Nice way to start a conversation. There should be more anger there, though. More.

The other was mild. More rational in his choice of vocab. So he said in response, 'I'm against it. I think it's very unfair to treat animals as such.' Hm. It's not like there was anyone watching. I thought he has cats at home? What's with the lame reply?

'Yeah, they should be doing all the horrid testing on themselves. They should be sticking all those needles into their own veins, cut off their own arms and bloat their own stomachs with drugs and lock themselves in dog crates at bedtime.' Good one. Rather childish, though. 'What's with treating animals like you f*cking own them? Just because they can't say 'No' to your bullshit doesn't mean they are agreeing to your f*cking needles.' Aha. Even better. Rather vulgar, though.

'Uh, how could they stick 'em into their own veins?' Man. Some people are just not fun. 'They're the researchers. Some things just need sacrifice, and sometimes they can't sacrifice themselves, even if they would.' God. It was elaborated.

'You got a point. Why not use all the Mat Rempits we have instead, right? Malaysia has an endless supply of those. Them d*ckheads are gonna be roadkills anyway. Why waste them, right? Rather than being killed on the road, shouldn't they be offering their bodies to the scientists? It's not like they care much about losing their lives anyway, right? Then we can stop animal testing or whatever shitty cruelty there is, right? After they're done with the needles and stuff, they'll just kill them off. Better than dying in a traffic collision. Their body parts would still be intact, unlike them dead rempit f*cktards whose heads were crushed under a truck or snapped off from the abdomens, right? At least they'd die contributing something to mankind, right? Less problems for the country, don't you think? And less humiliation for the race, no?'

Silence.

The words were stolen right from my mouth.

But not the vulgar ones, no. No, seriously.

More silence.

Well, I guess I wasn't the only one with such selfish way of –

And then it came. The retort that could have murdered me right there if it was a bullet. It went straight through my heart.

'Alright. You've been talking to Teacher Nani, haven't you?'

'What?'

Yeah. WHAT. WAS. THAT?

'Did you hear yourself just now?' Man. Bullet number two through the heart. *cough-cough*

Sheesh. So I come up with such selfish ways to solve things sometimes. OK, that's a lie. All the times. Happy? But there were supposed to be harmless (because no one could have missed it; I wasn't serious!). Argh.

Or maybe, I really should tone down my selfish way of saying things. *sigh*

"Watch The Arrivals for better understanding." Yeah, right.

2010-07-18T22:27:00.000+08:00

After much persuasion from some friends and non-friends, I decided that I should try to watch some episodes of the steaming hot documentary called The Arrivals. Some of my friends are downright obsessed about the whole series, and some non-friends have been telling me how blinded I am as a Muslim based of the proof (yeah, right) they found in the episodes.

I think I went through three or four episodes and realized that rather than getting all excited like most people out there, I felt disgusted. To myself I asked aloud, 'This (with a frown) was ALL the freaking fuss about?' There weren't proofs or facts, just baseless accusations and coincidences. Speculations and unproved claims. And I don't think I'd want to proceed with all 40+ episodes with the contents being just that.

I sometimes enjoy reading speculations and controversies, but one so bland as The Arrivals just don't work for me. Everywhere in the three or four episodes that I have watched, fingers are pointed to some specific groups of people for no solid reasons but coincidences. One of the major questions was, 'Are all of these signs coincidences?' I was thinking, 'Why can't they be coincidences?'

I mean come on, where's the proof that the Disney's animated movies are made to draw us Muslims away from our paths? What's the proof that the tower you claimed to be drawn in the shape of a penis in The Little Mermaid's poster was put there to slowly nurture the brains of the young ones so that they'd embrace sex easily as they grow up? How many of you have already seen the penis before The Arrivals came out? Is Mickey Mouse really designed from the shape of a dick (I had to really focus on the picture when my guy friend was showing how dicky Mickey looks – and it wasn't even dick-like enough)? You really have to picture penises a lot in your brains to be able to see almost everything as sex-related objects. What does that say about them finders of the signs? And I can't hear Aladdin telling girls to undress no matter how many times I tried to listen. Seriously.

Really, they're claiming this and that, and pointing fingers here and there – but I don't see many people from the so-called team lead by the Hidden Hand coming into the defense of their community. I don't think they'd give a shit. Why waste time word-jousting on Youtube when they can spend the hours wiping out Palestinians? Modern Muslims believe whatever they want – Youtube is the new kiblah, it seems. Say, if Freemason is a secret organization, how could you have found out all those things you claimed to be facts about them? How would you even know it exists (if everyone knows about it already, it's not a secret anymore, is it)? What if Freemason isn't a secret organization, but an organization of secrets? How many of you have actually thought about things before claiming stuff?

One of the major claims was, 'The End of the World is speeding towards us faster than we think it is'. My obsessive friends and non-friends have been posting Youtube links of the episodes that 'prove' the claims, flooding my news feed like I don't know what – so I've blocked all of them crazy claimers. If you have so much time pointing fingers and believing some pathetically made slide shows of an unclear purpose, why don't you spend more time finding out what the kitab says about the signs? I'd say it's a bloody waste of time going through all the episodes – I'd rather spend my hours with the usrah team at school, learning from the truly learned – not some Youtube videos.

And I'd like to know if any one of you have ever thought of this; sticking your noses into Allah's business is not a noble thing to do – and The End of the World IS His business, right? So instead of cluelessly (don’t freaking tell me you DO have a clue when the world would end!) digging for the date of the Apocalypse, which equals to whatever time-wasting activity you could think of, shouldn't we use the time to improve our faith and ibadah? What's this behavior of suka menyibuk hendak tahu rahsia Allah? Buruk sungguh perangai.

I bet many of you haven't even tried to look at The Arrivals from this angle; what if the whole series was made by the Hidden Hand's team itself to cloud our views from the real signs as stated in the kitab? How many of us have found anything in the series that is in line with what we're taught? (Thanks to Kak Darling for the trigger.) How many of us really know the real religions of the producers? Some of my friends and non-friends ada yang sudah lupa tanda-tanda kiamat kecil dan besar sebab mabuk tengok The Arrivals. Meroyan tengok tanda-tanda yang manusia produce, habis lupa apa yang ustaz dan ustazah ajar di sekolah.

So I don't watch The Arrivals except for the three or four episodes that I've mentioned. I don't even remember which episodes they were. I don't think it's so much of a big deal that I have to tolerate the insane floods of Youtube links on my FB news feed.

I have better things to do.

I ni important, tau.

2010-07-17T19:04:00.001+08:00

I ni important tau. Besar kedudukan I dalam society you-you semua yang jahat-jahat mulut ni. You-you kata you-you tak suka I ada dalam society you. You-you benci existence I. Konon.

Again, I ni important tau. Dalam segala mak nenek channel ASTRO kat rumah you ada segala mak nenek artis dan public figure campur segala cerita mereka luar dan dalam neraka. Tapi you-you pilih untuk cakap pasal I. Mengaku sajalah wei. You-you semua memang stalker setia hidup I. Itu I belum jadi celebrity lagi macam Maak I.

You-you semua dalam denial. You-you semua peminat I. Peminat yang confused. Benci tapi rindu, tapi mahu, tapi kagum, tapi hormat, tapi tak boleh berhenti mengeji. Buruk la rupa you-you semua.

What I learn about this shitty situation I'm in right now is that, it doesn't take a mental strength to walk through waves of shitheads, face high. It takes a good sense of humour. And so far, theirs have been nothing but a really bad joke. Senario ah, you-you ni. Pathetic sangat.

I ni important sangat, tau. Tak ada I, you-you semua mampus berkaparan sebab dahaga kehilangan bahan utama nak gossip. Hina siot. Umpat aku sana-sini, tak ada aku, berduyun-duyun mati. B*d*h.

Engkau itu kecil amat.

2010-07-14T22:39:00.000+08:00

Engkau tahu apa kerja seorang pengarah stage play? Engkau pernah jadi seorang pengarah stage play? Yang pernah, engkau boleh baca dengan senang hati. Yang belum, pun boleh baca juga. Tapi kalau engkau dilanda tekanan jiwa, aku tidak mahu bertanggungjawab. Aku bukan doktor. Sakit yang engkau cari, sila fix it yourself. Aku bukan pakar sawan hendak tolong engkau itu ini kalau yang ada masalah self-esteem itu engkau sendiri.

Kalau engkau pernah jumpa sejenis manusia yang berbangkai di hati nurani semacam yang aku sedang depani ini, engkau boleh faham sampai akar banir cerita selepas baca sekerat entry. Kalau engkau itu yang tidak pernah-pernah, baca sehabis muka pun belum tentu terhadam segala. Mahu gamble ke line akhir, atau mahu pergi sebelum mula, aku kisah pun tidak. Lain kali datang lagi. Pesan aku itu saja.

Kepada yang sakit-sakit di hati, yang punya masa banyak-banyak mahu bincang segala apa tentang aku, engkau-engkau patut sedar yang engkau itu kecil amat. Engkau itu kecil bakat, kecil komitmen, kecil jiwa, kecil humility, kecil usaha, kecil kesabaran (buat ribut engkau pandailah), kecil daya tahan dugaan, kecil keberanian (cakap belakang engkau memang Profesor kan?), kecil kebolehan teamwork, kecil upaya mahu terima yang ada orang memang born gifted pandai banyak benda macam aku, kecil segala-galanya. Yang besar itu ego engkau, megah tidak berpunca engkau, bodoh engkau, semangat mengumpat engkau, hasad dengki engkau dan kepala kosong engkau. Ya, kepala engkau yang besar itu kosong saja. Aku ketuk sedikit, gemanya sepanjang tahun. Lucu.

Aku Director of the play "Because I Can Still Hear Them Coming". Aku berhabisan masa dan tenaga secara bangga dan suka untuk stage play yang ini. Aku design costume dengan mengambilkira pandangan co-director secara penuh, secara hormat. Aku riang gembira beli foundation dan compact powder mahal macam neraka (bagi orang sempit duit macam engkaulah, bukan macam aku yang kaya jiwa dan kaya harta, haha) untuk play yang ini. Aku suggest Firebending steps, co-director aku made it happen. Aku teman visual dan score coordinators sampai sempurna segala. Aku paint dan touch up setiap seorang performer aku dengan rasa megah sebab mereka semua hero kelas pertama. Cerita itu aku tulis sendiri dengan ultimate senang hati, bukan mengemis dari internet macam yang engkau sangka-sangka. Engkau pandai internet sampai mampu stalk blog aku kan? Jadi cepatlah cari di muka mana celahan Google puaka cerita yang aku konon cilok itu. Tunjuk pada aku bila jumpa nanti ya? (Come on lah wei, melainkan engkau memang lahir bongok, engkau tahu memang takkan ketemuan cerita itu sampai kiamat pun selagi aku sendiri tidak upload, kan? Sebab it was not plagiarized, smartass.)

Aku beri segala yang setiap crew perlu, dan mereka beri yang aku minta. Jadi masalah engkau ini di mana ya, yang engkau cuma akan happy kalau tahu yang aku ini ada mengambil credit untuk benda yang aku tidak buat? Muka aku ada iras engkaukah yang engkau boleh terfikir yang aku akan berperangai serupa engkau?

Engkau ingat dalam dunia ini, semua orang punyai hati sama warna macam hati engkau? Engkau ingat dalam dunia ini, semua orang wajib ada kekurangan yang semacam engkau – hitam raga jiwa dan sempit ruang minda? Makanya kalau engkau itu tidak pandai segala benda, jadi aku pun sama? Wei. Nama aku punyai makna yang jadi doa ibu dan bapa. Bukan macam nama engkau. Itu saja pun sudah patut jadi ukur banding paling jelas; engkau siapa dan aku siapa. Soalan aku, tentang stage play, engkau ada ilmu apa? Sembang engkau kencanglah dari hujung sini ke sana yang aku ini tidak mungkin terbuat segala yang mata pathetic engkau sudah saksi semua. Ilmu pentas apa engkau ada? Bising gila ah.

Engkau itu miskin kebesaran jiwa, maka engkau buat hobi pula perbuatan mempertikai, mempersenda, mempersoal, memperkecil kemampuan orang lain (termasuk aku) sebab engkau itu tidak ada kapasiti mampu untuk menghadam ketidakpandaian engkau dan kegeniusan aku. Orang yang kecil-kecil ini memang punya masa banyak-banyak mengata itu ini tentang orang besar-besar. Orang besar akal, jiwa, iman dan hati semacam aku pun banyak masa-masa juga – tapi spending masa aku bukan untuk agas seperti engkau. Aku ini orang important dan aku buat perkara important. Bukan macam engkau yang desperate hendak jadi important, tapi gagal langsung ke sana ke mari. Lawak ah.

Oh, aku juga rasa sikap bangsat suka menemuramah pelajar sebagai satu teknik jijik mahu digging cerita aku itu sangatlah meloyakan. Esok bila aku sudah frame surat lantikan sebagai Penasihat Kelab Teater Maktab (yang tersulung dalam sesuku abad ini), selalu-selalu engkau mesti datang menjenguk, ya? Buat kudis jahanam di hati engkau. Haha.

NaniScribbles!

You need to get slapped.

Rueing.

Random Fiction 1 - Blue Inferno

After ten years.

Aku ada alahan kat lagu Nicki Minaj. Kau nak buat apa?

Bitch; Me.

'I lied, Ig.'

Or anything else less impressive.

Forgiving is divine,

It's weekend, Ig.

Better liar than you will ever be.

...sebenarnya pedofail.

We could have been. For life.

When it happens (II)

THIS

When it happens.

'ling, you speak lah Malay. Ke shy nak use BM?

Stalemate, for the moment.

Why only lesbians would love Seth Tan.

I wish

Chapter: Random Dua

In every sense.

I promised myself last night,

I was unstoppable.

...being ordinary?

Take good care of your heart.

Sejak 18 Jun lepas.

A hundred years from now.

Am I still being read?

I wrote. Click it!

I'm on my way back. You. Wait.

I can't believe

Aku tak sebut nama siapa-siapa.

23032011

'I mean I hate you.'

But I don't believe in constructive criticism.

Nani Othman, do you tweet? (LINK UPDATED)

Regret.

Apa salah babi?

Pukul 2 pagi tadi

I pinky promise

Someone actually made it public that I inspire him. OMG.

Britney, outgrown.

To ALL readers.

Majlis kawin Teacher Nani. Kot.

It will end,

The Perfect Fit. Not.

Aku tak pandai berbahasa puaka.

School has just started.

BOOKAHOLICS ANONYMOUS, u/p: Kak Long.

Warna-warna 2011 Teacher Nani.

Dan aku lagi pandai BM daripada cikgu BM kau.

I'm thankful. Really.

I am starting

I might marry

EVERYTHING.

OK, fine. I did watch Glee.

So I'm posting. So I'm posting.

Heart status: STOLEN.

Chapter 5 (perhaps): 'Happy Twenty-five, Nina.'

Currently,

I am in need

I am now Formspringing.

So teaching is your LAST choice, no?

Making marks

What makes you beautiful?

A quarter-century-old me. Hehe.

Laporan Khas: Banjir di rumah Cik Nani II.

Laporan Khas: Banjir di rumah Cik Nani. Mari tengok gambar.

Riordan's Lost Hero MUST wait, for

'Why couldn't he fix his eyesight?'

'Nani, you mengajar di MRSM kan?'

I know I said I wouldn't write magic anymore, but

Questions answered.

Ask me a question.

Under 20? Don't read this. *UPDATED*

My kind of guy.

Weak students do NOT exist.

Habis engkau lelaki ke, because you used to want her dulu kan?

Under 20? Don't read this. UPDATED